I am 65 and have two adorable grandsons, one almost 4 years old the other just turned 1 year old. I am 120 pounds overweight and I get very winded easily plus have mild arthritis in the knees but otherwise pretty healthy. I baby sit about a couple of days a week while my son is at work and DIL is on maternity leave. The older one goes to daycare. I don’t get paid which I don’t mind at all. I work a few evenings a week from home. The problem is the state of there home. It’s very messy. The kitchen is tiny. Both kitchen sinks are unusable because they are are filled to the brim with dirty dishes. The tiny counter is crammed with dirty cutting board, dirty cutlery dishes leftover takeout food containers sharp kitchen knives opened boxes of cereal etc. The stove top is also cluttered. There are two or three bags of garbage hanging from the kitchen cupboard knobs. There is stuff stacked up in front of the microwave. No dish towel in sight. The living room is cluttered with last nights dirty dinner dishes, half full cups of coffee, half full cans of fizzy water, the occasional dirty diaper, ( they eat off the coffee table) no room for a proper table. The tiny living room floor is scattered with toys, the living room also has two laundry baskets full of clean unsorted clothes that have been there for weeks. The bathroom is actually not too bad. The boys bedrooms are not too bad. The parents bedroom is a pigsty. Sorry for the long list but this is what I face when I babysit. Everything is made more difficult and unpleasant because of the utter chaos and clutter. I have to keep my mouth shut because DIL gets upset if I say a word. She goes into a sulk and texts my son at work which stresses him out. My son is the type to walk on egg shells so won’t say anything. That disgusting term ‘happy wife, happy life’ is his motto. He works a hard physical job. She is on maternity leave and is addicted to her phone. Sits and watches TikTok videos for a good part of the day. I play with the baby. She loves her boys and is a good mum she cuddles and feeds them well and is firm but fair. But she is a pretty hands off mum when it comes too interacting with them. That’s why I baby sit so I can play with them and chat with them. I love that part. How she manages to cook is a mystery but she will whip up some tasty dinners a few nights a week but they also order delivery food very often. They are always broke too. But the mess really gets me down. I will be baby sitting a lot more soon because she returns to work next month. I can only imagine things will be more messy.
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Son and DIL are slobs
(42 Posts)Son and DIL are slobs
May I call you Ena?
All I can suggest is when you are babysitting you make a start on the dirty dishes in the sink, then just carry on with the rest of the mess.
You could take it steady, with your knee problems, but the exercise might help with your weight issue also.
Hopefully a win win situation!
Why not have them in your own home...then you don't need to look at the mess?
I dont think you can turn into their cleaner, that's how you will stay.. Why are you needed to be there if she's on maternity leave? Do you have to sit in their flat? Can't you have them at yours, maybe take one out while other at play group. It's really up to them how they manage their family.
Could you take the baby out for a walk? Just say to Mum "I am taking xxxx for a walk to give you some space and time to do some housework whilst we aren't under your feet".
Alternatively, have the baby at your house, you don't have to sit in their detritus to be close to the children do you?
Not wanting to sound rude or cruel but it does sound as though some physical activity would do both you and DIL the power of good. Carrying too much weight will definitely impact on the state of your arthritic knees.
Is DiL depressed? Does your son not do any housework?
It sounds dangerous in many ways both to the health of the DC and to you.
I have just heard about someone who is in hospital after a fall at home. It can only get worse as the kids get older.
Could you suggest employing a cleaner?
I don’t understand your post you babysit twice a week at their home because your son is at work and your daughter in law on maternity leave ?? Why are you ‘babysitting’ if she’s at home??? Perhaps she’s on her phone because you’re there
You then go on to describe all the ‘dreadful’ things in their house even calling their bedroom a pigsty why are you looking in their bedroom? Don’t look
The older child goes to day care? So there is only the year old baby to have why can’t you have him /her at your house and leave them to live how they want in their mucky clutter
You say they are well fed she makes tasty dishes and they are loved and cuddled and she is firm but fair she sounds like a good if messy mum …so they live in an untidy chaotic house but that’s their choice not yours to worry about
You say you don’t get paid why would you even mention that you’re a granny having the privilege of being with your grandchildren
Enjoy your time with the baby when she’s back at work and older child is at nursery/school take the baby to your house then you won’t have to see their mess I m sure your son could sort things out if he was unhappy with the housekeeping
My thoughts too Grammaretto Post natal depression?
When I go to my daughter's I can usually turn my hand to some odd job - folding washing, putting toys back in their boxes, sorting GD sock drawer. I never say anything just do it.
My DM used to wipe down my kitchen window when she visited - this was the little job in my house that got over looked.
Good morning Mrs Sharples.
I am a bit curious as to why you mentioned your weight.
I am sixty something and not overweight but feel very uncomfortable sitting in other peoples detritus.
I frequently go to put the kettle on as soon as I arrive at my sons house ( I’m expected obviously ) and fifteen minutes later the kitchen bins (all three types) are sorted, all surfaces are wiped ( hunt the well hidden clean dish cloths ) and fit for purpose. He has an actual dishwasher now though but I still go into auto mode. It is for my own benefit entirely.
It comes across from your descriptions that they are very busy but functioning. Your DIL maybe feeling some depression or be just absolutely knackered and doesn’t know what’s hit her.
In my experience they sound ok. If they as a couple are happy then the children will be and give it a couple of years and things might be different again.
Take your Marigolds, a dishcloth and a tea towel and wash up for them, it wouldn’t take long then you can enjoy your babysitting duties. The children are happy and well cared for, a bit of washing up left in the sink won’t kill anyone.
And don’t go into their bedroom.
My father always wiped my kitchen window ledges when he visited Ro60 and I hated it. I knew it needed doing but it always felt like pointed criticism. I know now in my heart that he was just "helping".
I would never do it without asking now...
"Would it help if I just cleared the sink or shall I just leave it?" is just a question.
Don't expect change MrsSharples -
she is obviously a good mum and I wonder if she's calling your son because actually she doesn't need you there?
Like others, I don't really know why you are there so often when she's off work.
Also, would she really be on the phone if you weren't there?
Just wondering.
Ro60 I do exactly the same and it's always appreciated.
Two young children in a small house = a lot of clutter!
MrsSharples have you tried just quietly taking the bags of rubbish out and doing the washing up, or have you commented negatively about the clutter to your daughter-in-law which upsets her?
Maybe she's overwhelmed by it all, tired if the boys don't sleep well, and doesn't know where to start.
One of my daughter and her hubbie, have always lived in this sort of way, ever since they have been together (some 27 years) Brought up their four children, all well and happy. Everywhere always a mess. That is how they live and obviously it is their home and up to them.
If you do not like it, either clean up or else shut up - or do not go there. Their home, their choice, nothing to do with you
I understand your feet about this and it is no joy babysitting in that mess. However it is their mess and your DIL is a loving mum. If you are inclined to wash and tidy up I would ask them first . I too wonder why you are there if DIL is on maternity leave?
If it causes you stress to be in all that clutter could you have the chiy in your home ?
Children!
Why are you babysitting if dil is home with baby?
Maybe your dil is on the phone to let you have time with your gc?
Your son seems to be in the attitude of being "in the middle" - the wrong amd passive one
Dont go there if you feel the environment is so unpleasant or talk to your son
OP
Have you discuss full time babysitting rules with your son and dil?
Maybe she is keeping it a mess so that you do not get comfortable being in her home while she is trying to spend time with her new babe? I would have been livid if my MIL, or anyone took up so much of my maternity leave. Have you discussed with her if you are actually needed there or is this something you assume she is okay with?
In any event, it is extremely rude to look around someone’s home judging them. I wouldn’t know what my son and DIL’s bedroom looks like because I would never venture there. Maybe it is time for you to let them get on with it? Speak to your DIL and son and see if your presence is actually needed/wanted so often.
I like others wonder if it’s postnatal depression too, but I also wonder why you are there if she’s at home all day, yes I couldn’t live with dirty dishes and used nappy left out, I don’t understand why you are going into their bedroom, how they live their life is there business, could your son help with the housework, mine used to come home and help with our children and do some chores if I was attending to the children, she doesn’t sound like a bad mum to me looks after the children feeds tasty dinners cuddles them etc, could be that she’s depressed
I am uncomfortable in a messy house but accept we all live differently, sounds like they are happy in their mess. maybe better to babysit at your house.
If your son wanted a clean and tidy house he could clean and tidy, you seem to blame just your daughter in law. Do not criticise her to your son, if he has to take sides it will not be yours.
Another thread of a mil who is judging the state of the home and blaming dil while she contradicts herself and calls her a good mom at same time
The son seems to be excused from doing any household chores for working an active job
This is going to get so much worse when dil goes back to work
Ageed Hithere. It’s incredibly poor manners and I have to wonder if DIL has not always picked up on this judgement.
I would cut the babysitting to once a week. Are you there to help your DiL? If so ask if while you are there you can wash the dishes for them. It can be a struggle with two small children and some practical help may be welcome.
This is only a problem of uour making really. It's their house! Your solutions are:
Ignore it
Don't bahysit
Over to wash up but as a general kindness not judggementally
Baby sit at your house
Consider whether your DIL I'd OK!
Consider why she night get upset if you " say anything"!!
Up to you really
( and best not to put all the blame on your DIL. It's a choice they are both making!)
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