Son and DIL are slobs

When I first looked after one of my GC I was very careful not to make it look like I was tidying as I didn't want to offend. Then I just thought blow this and washed up, cleaned worktops and dusted ornaments etc while the baby was asleep. No one ever said anything, in fact I doubt that they noticed.

Again, I am curious as to why the MIL is there when DIL is on maternity leave and the other child is in daycare. All those speculating about the DIL’s mental health are a bit out of line. We know absolutely nothing about this young woman’s state of mind. The idea that someone who just had a baby has to be mentally ill just because her MIL disapproves of her housekeeping is exactly the kind of thing that puts the younger people off. And those of you suggesting that cleanliness is exclusive to us older generations are way off. It is no more generational than our generation being judgmental and insufferable know-it-alls. Personal anecdotes aren’t data smh.

Is this frequent visiting actually wanted or needed by DIL? I’m trying to guess the purpose of the OP’s presence in the scenario here. I can imagine a DIL secretly seething that her MIL visits for hours on end to “help” with... well not sure what exactly. Presumably she can feed and change her own baby. Maybe all the DIL needs is some space. Sure having her MIL sitting around her house all day would surely push her to the brink of PPD.

Unless the children are in an unsafe situation, it’s not really anyone’s business how they keep their home. It’s not the MIL’s issue to sort. She can simply spend less time there. To be so consumed that you turn to the internet to name-call your son and DIL says there may be some over-involvement on the OP’s part.bSurely there are other ways the OP can occupy her time than sitting around her son’s house judging his wife as she tries to have bonding time with her newborn.

As your DIL is at home when you go round OP, I’d call this a visit not babysitting. Can you involve your DIL more? Chat to her as well as your DGC? Maybe offer to take them all out to the park/lunch/farm etc if you can afford it. Can’t be nice for her if she thinks you are just there for her children. You sound like a lovely caring granny who just wants to help, and maybe emotional support is needed more than physical. Forget the pots etc. that may come later. Good luck.

Prentice

Socksandsocks01

I'd get stuck in. Help out but keep quiet. She may feel exhausted and cut off ftom her friends and life outside. As long as kids are fed and loved that's fine. The oldest child needs stuff out of the way so it doesn't hurt itself like sharp knives. But yeah help out where you can. Get the washing done as well. Any woman worth her salt will soon start to buck up when her MIL is doing the housework. And you are a star for baby sitting. Keeping contact up with your grandchildren is imperative. Well done

No, that would only mean the Granny would be viewed as a useful servant from then on. Definitely do not do her housework.
if the baby was new, then that would be different, but he is a year old now.

I think it would be seen as criticism.

My goodness, you should see my youngest daughters place, it's the stuff of nightmares
5 children under 7yrs, 4 dogs, 5 horses, 2 goats, 2 pigs, 2 cats and assorted chickens and ducks. It's absolute chaos and with a SIL who has got to be the untidiest man on the planet, the GC's taking after him, my DD has given up I think.
But the children are all happy and thriving, doing well at school and spend their days climbing trees, caring for the animals, splashing about in the river and are always polite and caring.
I just have to take a deep breath, bite my tongue and accept that they choose to live this way. For a neat freak like myself it takes some doing though!

Socksandsocks01

I'd get stuck in. Help out but keep quiet. She may feel exhausted and cut off ftom her friends and life outside. As long as kids are fed and loved that's fine. The oldest child needs stuff out of the way so it doesn't hurt itself like sharp knives. But yeah help out where you can. Get the washing done as well. Any woman worth her salt will soon start to buck up when her MIL is doing the housework. And you are a star for baby sitting. Keeping contact up with your grandchildren is imperative. Well done

No, that would only mean the Granny would be viewed as a useful servant from then on. Definitely do not do her housework.
if the baby was new, then that would be different, but he is a year old now.

This is how some people live unfortunately.
if she spends lots of her time watching Tik Tok instead of cleaning and interacting with her children then in my own view, she is not a good Mother at all.
I would not wash any of her dirty dishes or do any cleaning for her but would continue being with the little one and bonding with him.Take him out to the park? then to a cafe?
I do understand how the mess affects you, as it sure would upset me too.You seem to be a good caring Granny.

No response from OP?

I watch GC at home. I can accomplish my own cooking and work with GC underfoot in our house.

Can't GC be brought to you, or you GC bring home?

Does your son help washup? Hoover? Laundry? He should, you know, be as involved in their home as dil.

I also think it could be a generational thing, my son and dil are both untidy. My son gets it from his dad. But you know what, l don't think it's important at all. They are fantastic parents to my dgd. Both work hard and are kind, generous, empathetic people. To me that's more important than a tidy house.
As previous posters have said, don't criticise but you could offer to help out if you wish to, in a kindly, non threatening way.

Try to ignore the mess.

Take your own dish cloth next time you go there but don’t let her see it. Have a plastic bag in your bag and take it home with you as it will be wet.

Take the baby out for a walk.
Don’t say anything to DiL about the messy kitchen, her kitchen her mess. You’re not there to clean her house. You could of course always ask her if she’d like you to wash the dishes or do a bit of vacuuming. Whatever you do don’t criticise her.

Has she always been messy/untidy or is it only since she had the babies as it’s quite possible that she is depressed. Does she talk to you, could you possibly ask her how she’s feeling as it doesn’t sound as if you do much talking.

It’s great that she’s a good mum as that’s far more important than having a clean house. Children grow up very quickly so do try to enjoy just being with them.

I'd get stuck in. Help out but keep quiet. She may feel exhausted and cut off ftom her friends and life outside. As long as kids are fed and loved that's fine. The oldest child needs stuff out of the way so it doesn't hurt itself like sharp knives. But yeah help out where you can. Get the washing done as well. Any woman worth her salt will soon start to buck up when her MIL is doing the housework. And you are a star for baby sitting. Keeping contact up with your grandchildren is imperative. Well done

Your son must be responsible for making some of the mess - could you suggest he cleans up after himself a bit more?

Otherwise, ask if you can take the baby out when you visit - and also ask if visiting once a week suits them, or if they'd prefer something else.

I think it's partly a generational thing, perhaps?

Parents now place more value on getting out and about with their children, rather than shooing them outside while mother polishes the doorstep or irons piles of clothes (unnecessarily)

My neighbour worked herself into a frenzy because her grandchildren don't have a 'proper' sunday dinner (because they're in the woods, camping and jumping and climbing trees and other great things)

I would offer to babysit at your own house. I have a similar situation with my son and DIL. Their kids are a bit older now, but yes, I don't know where to start if I go to their house!

I don't have to do actual child-care, but just do casual sitting if they are going out or if shifts overlap. But going to their house gives me anxiety, so I just avoid it, even if it means transporting the kids myself. You don't want to spend all your time doing housework and not enjoy the little one.

You cannot control someone else's way of living, any problems with this situation surely your son would say something.
We are all different, I like a very tidy home, everything as a place but that's me.
Others are happy to live in a messy house and that's ok also.
I could understand your worry if the children were in a dirty condition and not fed or happy.
Take the little one out on good days out of the mess and stop concerning yourself about something you cannot do anything about.

I think there is some good advice here MrsS - albeit with some criticism of your son. Perhaps not the comments you were expecting, putting the ball back in your court?
I’m wondering if you’re the same lady who joined GN a while ago, but then left almost immediately, saying GN wasn’t supportive?
If so, please stay with us and you’ll see how diverse a lot we are and how opinions differ.

This is only a problem of uour making really. It's their house! Your solutions are:

Ignore it

Don't bahysit

Over to wash up but as a general kindness not judggementally

Baby sit at your house

Consider whether your DIL I'd OK!

Consider why she night get upset if you " say anything"!!

Up to you really

( and best not to put all the blame on your DIL. It's a choice they are both making!)

I would cut the babysitting to once a week. Are you there to help your DiL? If so ask if while you are there you can wash the dishes for them. It can be a struggle with two small children and some practical help may be welcome.

Ageed Hithere. It’s incredibly poor manners and I have to wonder if DIL has not always picked up on this judgement.

Another thread of a mil who is judging the state of the home and blaming dil while she contradicts herself and calls her a good mom at same time

The son seems to be excused from doing any household chores for working an active job

This is going to get so much worse when dil goes back to work

I am uncomfortable in a messy house but accept we all live differently, sounds like they are happy in their mess. maybe better to babysit at your house.

If your son wanted a clean and tidy house he could clean and tidy, you seem to blame just your daughter in law. Do not criticise her to your son, if he has to take sides it will not be yours.

I like others wonder if it’s postnatal depression too, but I also wonder why you are there if she’s at home all day, yes I couldn’t live with dirty dishes and used nappy left out, I don’t understand why you are going into their bedroom, how they live their life is there business, could your son help with the housework, mine used to come home and help with our children and do some chores if I was attending to the children, she doesn’t sound like a bad mum to me looks after the children feeds tasty dinners cuddles them etc, could be that she’s depressed

Maybe she is keeping it a mess so that you do not get comfortable being in her home while she is trying to spend time with her new babe? I would have been livid if my MIL, or anyone took up so much of my maternity leave. Have you discussed with her if you are actually needed there or is this something you assume she is okay with?

In any event, it is extremely rude to look around someone’s home judging them. I wouldn’t know what my son and DIL’s bedroom looks like because I would never venture there. Maybe it is time for you to let them get on with it? Speak to your DIL and son and see if your presence is actually needed/wanted so often.

OP

Have you discuss full time babysitting rules with your son and dil?