Struggle to feel accepted

Sadly, I find this happens to many a group. In one such I go to there'll be a conversation at one end of the table which only a select few can hear. I don't think it's necessarily done on purpose, but I think it's a bit inconsiderate. It's especially difficult for those of us with hearing difficulties. I can only hear one conversation at a time.

Groups change over time as well. Ours has changed into a teaching session which really isn't for me, and I feel less inclined to go each week. I don't know what the answer is OP, but I feel for you. It's unpleasant to feel left out. Could you perhaps start up a smaller group at your home instead?

Katerina, I went to an art group, and I found the tea break hard going and always tried to avoid going into the kitchen where the tea break happened. I liked the activity but the other people at tea break were not much fun.

It's sheer bad manners to make any person feel excluded in any public situation. That group is badly run.

If people want to keep to their cliques they should get a private room or go to each others' homes by invitation only.

As for Tai Chi, it is hard work to learn the forms and it's not for people who simply want to be sociable. I did Tai Chi for many years and began as a complete beginner. People really should not think of a Tai Chi class as a social gathering.

kircubbin2000

I joined a u3a art group and as soon as the teacher introduced me the 2 ladies beside me got very interested. You were married to J(My ex) and you go to x activity with T don't you? I found this nosiness very intrusive and embarrassing and didn't go back.

I am sorry but that just seemed friendly to me

I’m recently retired and looking to join a group or activity . Sadly This post and thread doesn’t fill me with confidence. It has however given me some tools to work with . I love the humour one , Blackpool over Thailand ? Hilarious 😆

Katerina - I have sent a PM to your Inbox. Hope it helps you.

It's like it everywhere almost, people seem to resent a newcomer. The local WI used to sc and handbags on whole rows of seats, any newcomer didn't stay long. I complained yo the committee that they shouldn't.I went with a couple of friends and got together in the break but sat on arrival where there was a seat. I left, after 15 years, even the committee never changed just shuffled positions. Try other groups, church halls, local library and I'm sure you will find friendlier people, but it must be disheartening, but it really is not you, it's them and their insecurities.

Years ago, as a young mum, I started taking my child to a local toddler group. It was for his benefit mainly but I'd also hoped to find some friendly faces too. Most of my old friends were from my school days or through work and didn't live local to me so, naturally, I didn't have much of a social life.

I was young and quite shy so I found the sessions really hard going. Most of the mums there lived near each other on a new housing estate. I was fortunate enough to have married the son of a builder and together we built a nice home on the outskirts of town and my near neighbours were lovely but well into their 50s and 70s.
I persevered with the toddler club for several months though it was awful, especially when the leader of the group came up to me and asked me why I wasn't mixing with the other mums!
I had tried honestly!

A fund raising jumble sale was organised and I said I had some stuff to donate but as I didn't have a car, somebody needed to collect from my house.
When she came to pick up the boxes, the group leader stood on the step and said,
"I never realised you lived in this posh house."
This was funny as we were completely broke at the time.
Word must have got out as when I next attended toddler club, several other mums made a bee line for me.
I found it very interesting.
I stopped going in the end.

It's kind of like racism without the race in a way. "We're all here and we know each other so you can just clear off" attitude

Sounds wonderful Katerina1, I’m glad

Keep persevering - it takes a while to find your tribe.
Hope you find yours soon.

Thanks very much for all your kind words and for sharing your own experiences. I feel so much better. I'll probably keep going for a while as I love the activity. The long coffee break is the hardest bit. I'm trying a different new activity next week as all my activities closed since Covid. Various reasons, volunteers ageing, moving away and friends who died. Working on starting again.

well, that's the other side of the coin isnt it kircubbin2000
I wouldnt like that either.
I guess theres no pleasing me?

I joined a u3a art group and as soon as the teacher introduced me the 2 ladies beside me got very interested. You were married to J(My ex) and you go to x activity with T don't you? I found this nosiness very intrusive and embarrassing and didn't go back.

Yes Elizabeth27 I agree, it does happen even in the virtual world.

I assume it is human nature to go along with the crowd, they were all new members at some time and probably remember what it was like in the beginning, members want to protect their position in the group.

Being welcoming to an outsider could mean that the group prefers the outsider over the welcoming member thus it threatens their position in the group.

It even happens on here, which has thousands of anonymous members.

Isnt it sad that we all are having the same experience, no matter what our age?
I made the mistake of assuming we would learn from our experiences and become kinder (for want of a more precise word) to each other as we got older.
People are people I suppose.

I know exactly how you feel.
We moved on retirement and decided to pursue hobbies. Someone suggested the U3A. DH found a kind and friendly group or so he thought. Until the teaching sessions stopped and they had to go to larger meetings in a nearby larger town. Competitions were held and all were expected to enter. He realised he was out of his depth and made to feel so and left it must have been very uncomfortable because he does not give up easily.
I was told that my hobby was no longer held at the main centre and there were separate groups. I was given the number of one and they said they were full and passed me on. This happened a number of times until I was grudgingly offered a place. They gave very unclear instructions as to how to find it, I bottled out and tried to phone with my apology only to find answer phones. I have never been contacted.
I was asked to join a small local group only to find the leader was wanting to retire and expected me to take over when I said no things were very cool. There are "clicks "wherever you go and you have to have a certain nature to persist and eventually be accepted, I'm afraid I haven't got it and as I get older can't be bothered to try.
Good luck I hope you do find somewhere welcoming.

I went to a U3A group and there was only one lady I found empathic. The rest in the group were one very rude and pernickety old gent and one control freak. I had better things to do with my morning so joined a church knitting group and have not looked back. The lady who runs it is all inclusive and makes a point of celebrating anything any of a us do, and she goes around chatting to all of us about what's going on. I think a lot depends on the leader. Hope you find a group you are comfortable with.

Well done Urmstongran !! A bit of humour is often the way to break the ice isn’t it.

I feel for you. It must be horrid to feel you stick out like a sore thumb. Hopefully you’ll fit in better as time passes, or you’ll opt out and try another group.

I often turn ‘awkwardness’ into humour if I can.

For example, yesterday I was sat having coffee with 3 ladies who I don’t know particularly well. I had walked past (a garden bar, we were all in swimsuits and sarongs!) and had been invited by one to sit with them. They are nice people. They all knew one another really well. I listened as they chatted about past and upcoming holidays. Cruises planned for the next few months, a two week Thailand holiday, ‘have you been to ‘Raffles’ there?’, the beautiful such and such building etc. Obviously I couldn’t join in. No matter. I smiled, listened and was genuinely interested. The conversation continued between them. “Oh yest I’ve been to Thailand 11 times now, once for 3 months. We stayed in a friends house. We had to leave Thailand and go to Cambodia for a few days to get our passports stamped.” “I’ve been 5 times now. I adore the place. Did you stop off in Singapore like we did for 3 days?” There was a slight pause in the chat and I said ‘I’m feeling a bit left out of this conversation. Have any of you been to the Blackpool illuminations?’ Cue hilarious laughter from the 3 ladies, a slight shift in the topic and a very enjoyable half hour - which included me!
??

Absolutely Mayal. I agree, it's wonderful exercise and no skill required.
Unfortunately I can no longer go due to eye surgery, but I really miss it.

I am not a 'mixer', but joined a group last year because I had long wanted to do the activity. I really had to push myself as I am quite shy in groups and usually cope better one to one. I am still attending... LOVE the activity... the teacher is funny, enthusiastic and all inclusive.... competition is not allowed!
The group all know each other but gradually one or two started to speak to me individually... think they realised I was not going away!
I attend for the activity, not the company... which I think helps...
If you enjoy the activity...stick with it...for you....

I think it's rude and thoughtless of those people to make you feel so unwelcome. You are doing nothing wrong Katerina.
I cannot believe how some of you have been treated at these so called groups that are supposed to be so welcoming.
Hopefully there are other groups you can join that will be more friendly towards you.l agree with Jemimasmum, you cannot go wrong with Aquafit or Aquacise. I go with my dil, I'm useless at it but everyone is so kind and friendly.
Kindness seems to be missing these days from so many walks of life.

When I retired I joined a Tai Chi class. I thought I would get to know people in local area after spending years at work.
The instructor made me feel that teaching a new person was a nuisance. There was a long break in the middle where everyone stood in a group and drank water, ignoring my efforts to join the conversation.
I left and joined an aquacise class. Great fun and friendly people who immediately invited me for coffee and other social events which were organised.