Funeral or unattended cremation?

I don’t think it’s selfish at all if your daughter is upset could you have a family memorial service/get together so she would feel the death is marked but in a simpler way?

I always think that funerals are for those left behind, and they are the ones you need to think about.
You can organise your funeral in advance - I have - so the survivor doesn't have to think about it.
And rather like a wedding, it can be as plain or fancy as you like.
I think you need to decide what each of you wants - then talk over with your children. You could suggest that the only attendees are your children, or your children + close family.

Personally, I don't care about the format, but I do like to say a proper 'goodbye'.

I think it’s only fair for family left behind to mark your death with a ‘celebration of life’ rather than it being a funeral. The ‘celebration’ can be as you want it - talk it over with your children. I could never broach the subject of a funeral with my mother unfortunately, but nowadays I have no problem discussing MY ‘celebration’ with my family.

We both intend to have an untended funeral as we did for my daughter. I just hate the bit where the coffin slowly goes out of sight and you know what is going to happen. We will have a big do when the ashes are returned and laid to rest.

Funerals are for loved ones left behind. Weeping and laughter with music and eulogies are important rituals for many of us

Disagree about funerals being for those who are left behind. Totally for the deceased. I'm having limited attendance cremation and then everyone who needs to be told will be immediately afterwards. When this was aired recently (and NOT by me) one friend suggested it was selfish as people would want to come and say goodbye. My response was I'd really prefer if they said more hellos now. The ensuing silence was remarkable.

I agree Iam. I think unattended cremations are very sad - done first thing in the morning before ‘the day’s business’,, as are those paid for by the local authority which we used to call paupers’ funerals. Each to their own of course, but the OP has a child who would be upset by this and to ignore her feelings would imo be selfish. It’s perfectly easy to arrange your own funeral so as to ease the burden on those left behind.

you are not being selfish but some people have said this to me because that is what i want and my only son is happy with it. the reason they say it is selfish is because some people need the funeral for closure. we had to have my husbands funeral when my son was 16 and i know that i do not want to put him through that again even though he is a grown man now, do what you think is best, your daughter can have the ashes and have a small private goodbye if she wanted.

We discussed their wishes with our parents. They wanted cremation after a CofE service. Dad asked for his favourite hymn but happy for us to chose the other two. Mum followed that plan. Their funerals were important to their children, grandchildren and friends
We’ve had some easy chats with our adult children about what they and we may prefer

If not pre-arranged and paid for, IMO it should be up to those left behind.
I’m not at all religious but I still rather like a simple trad service with some favourite (weepy-making!) hymns.

A childless aunt had very considerately pre-arranged and prepaid a simple C of E funeral with cremation - it certainly saved us worrying about what she’d have wanted.

I personally don’t want any funeral. Husband has stage 4 cancer so he will probably go before me. More direct cremations seem to be taking place. I know a few elderly locals who died during early Covid days and were cremated with no one in attendance direct from hospital. I’m not religious. Hate any fuss or celebration - always have.

It will probably be cremations for us both but I do not want anyone sitting as it disappears through the curtain.I have done that too many times. We are a small family, live miles apart and I have retired to a different part of the country to most of my friends. A service of the families choice as a celebration of our lives afterwards if they want to.
A relation requested a sea burial of their ashes the boat left the pier the wind and waves got up and they all got a mouthful of the ashes as they were tipped. Mine will be straightforward.

When my husband died, it was right in the middle of Covid in 2020 and people weren't allowed to travel or meet indoors, so we ended up having an unattended cremation. A year later, we interred his ashes and had an extended family get together to remember him. I preferred this in the end, as, by the time we all met up, we had got over the initial shock and mourning and there was more laughter than tears. I think that's what he would have wanted.

I've told my family I most definitely don't want a funeral at all. Can't stand funerals

My children are all fine with the decision

This is the last thing you'll ever be in control of so if you want an unattended cremation, so be it!

Wrong, not all unattended funerals are done early in the morning only those by funeral directors who offer the full range. My daughters was done by Pure Cremations who have their own facility in Andover, we knew which day and around the time it was going to happen so our family were able to be somewhere quiet and peaceful and let our thoughts wander and our grief out. Nothing sad about it believe me

It's your funeral- you do as you want to, as you want to...

No cremation as it is bad for the environment. The simplest of coffins, no fancy wood, material or handles, and quite family burial in our local burial ground.

Big, full-on requiem service in church.

Burial in a "green" burial ground, bought plots for my dogs and me years ago, with only the priest in attendance, strict instructions for everyone else to stay behind and get on with The Tea.

One of my sons is in charge of his father's ashes. We were divorced many years before he died. We never speak about his ashes, but I like to fancy my sons will mix my ashes and their father's ashes together before disposing them all in one scatter.

I have said to my other son "Just do what is most convenient for you" but he was not paying much attention.

I intend to leave my body for medical research, in the event of that not being possible I want a direct cremation. No fuss, no bother and I will leave a sum for a lovely meal for my family somewhere nice.
I hate funerals and cremations, I am totally non-religious and my family are happy with my wishes.

I guess it depends very much on your own beliefs, and as I am traditional like your youngest daughter, I would like some spiritual input with mourners attending. I think my family would be happy with that.
We have recently had a death in the close family where the partner chose a direct cremation, I had never heard of it before. The body was collected and taken 300 miles away to be cremated at 8 am before opening hours. I found that hard and am still upset I didn't get to say that final goodbye, but wishes should be respected.
There needs to be some kind of celebration and I guess a later memorial gathering is the compromise.

I had an unattended cremation for my H and my AC know I want the same.
It was properly carried out by a local firm who came to see me at the house and it was a hearse with bearers at the local crematorium.
It was carried out with dignity, ( I was assured)
When I heard of a few mutters I was quick to point out that everyone who loved my H were with him in his last days and we all were able to say our goodbyes.
Friends who had never been to see him in weeks were not welcome.

Only I knew the date and time and I told the family that evening.

A direct cremation, which is what we had for my husband, doesn't mean you can't have some sort of ceremony. You can choose a date and a venue for this that suits everyone, and you don't have to drive to the crem and then back in the cars for the follow-up.

We hired the village hall and had my husband's ashes displayed (in a mini beer keg!) along with a nice photo of him and a display of some of his possessions and things he used in his hobbies etc. We held a ceremony very similar to a funeral, then we put on some lighter music, moved the furniture around and served drinks and food. I think he would have loved what we did and thoroughly approved.

But to return to the original question: you are talking about two different situations. One of you, to put it bluntly, will die first, and the bereaved spouse may have preferences as to what form the funeral should take. By the time the second one of a couple dies, there is no spouse to consider (unless of course there's a remarriage, in which case all bets are off!) and it's really about agreeing something with your children as to what they and you would find appropriate.

I don't think the dying/dead person should have the final say on this. It's easy to say, "Oh I don't want a funeral!", because you won't be there anyway. If it means a lot to your family to hold a ceremony to remember and celebrate you and say their last farewells, then that should be up to them - they are the ones who will have to work through their grief and come to terms with their loss. Don't try to deny them that just because you won't need it yourself.

My children and friends all know I want a quick cremation with the ashes returned to my family. From there onwards they can do what they want. They could have a very public service (which thankfully none of them have expressed a wish for), a great party to say goodbye or a quiet scattering of my ashes. I don’t care as I won’t be around. I am betting my remains will be scattered in the Caribbean Sea so they can make a holiday of it.