What would you do?

If your husband has always relied on you to make the drinks etc when he was well and you have run around after him, it's unreasonable to stop now. Just have a heart to heart and say he needs to do more because he is able to do more. Devolve a few jobs in a way that is reasonable and unprovocative.

I’m sure in your heart you know you have allowed this lack of responsibility for his own health to continue throughout your life together so I suspect he hasn’t changed but your feelings about it have. How is he supposed to know this, i think you need to have a chat & tell him it’s upsetting you or decide it’s not worth the hassle. I’m sure he is totally unaware as men have a tendancy to only deal with what’s right in front of them.

If his not able is one thing, if his able well he should try and help himself and you a little more ..
Or does he need a mother? Not a wife!

My husband started with mobility problems …..then refusal to put eye drops in ( glaucoma)…then cancelling eye apps at hospital then cancel anything to do with his health! Didn’t want to know. After dealing with this belligerence for 16 ….YEARS….I called in doctors ( demanded they come to him as he wouldn’t go to them!!) .turns out he’s got vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease. I’ve been dealing with it all these years ….3 months ago he went into full time residential care. I Couldn’t deal with the nonsense anymore! So you need to be aware that according to his doctors This refusal to take responsibility for one’s own health issues is a significant pointer to mental illness. If you think this cound become your husband …. act now rather than later.

I am in a situation much the same. My husband is unable to walk and I do everything for him. He gets around on a wheelchair inside and has no problem going to the pub most days on a mobility scooter. If I didn't sort his med's out or go to appointments with him he would hardly bother himself. He wont even get himself a drink of water. I don't mind doing all this but sometimes a simple thank you would go a long way for me.

Depression can make you so unmotivated that you literally do not care if you get ill, stay ill or even basic self care like baths or hair become an uphill battle! This sounds like he might be depressed!

Remind him that he is an adult, not a child and you are his wife, not his mother.

Most men when they are ill behave as your husband is doing.

Most wives have long since accepted that a ill or poorly husband doesn't really want a wife, he wants Mummy or Nanny!

So supply him with drinks and put the eye drops in at the stated intervals and once he is better then is the time to point out gently that having to "mummy" him annoys you.

Or alternatively, accept that you married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. The writers of the Book of Common Prayer obviously knew what they were talking about.

I can only sympathise, and send my best wishes.
My dad never did anything towards looking after himself that was my mum's job. He went out to work and earned the money.
Dad is a collector of electronic equipment (his profession was in this field) and mum fought the effects of this hobby all their marriage.
She was always tidying up and forever taking equipment back in to his hobby rooms because he just leaves everything where it is.
Unfortunately mum died back in March and he finds himself now having to do everything for himself .
I work full time, have my own family and don't live with him. I do help when I can shopping, organising hospital appointments and transport etc. Taking him to appointments when I can but sadly their beautiful home is in a dreadful state and because of his equipment now being in every room along with him never putting anything away. I'm finding it's impossible to clean properly, in the time I have. I'm forever fearful that he will have more falls or give himself food poisoning because of the mess he lives in. I can't even get anyone in to clean because of the mess ironically.

I have lived on my own for 45 years and have to do things for myself. After my cataract op I had to use eye drops for three weeks and just got on with it. People can act helpless when there is someone else to rely on.

It's not in anyway love or care to do everything, it's absolutely disastrous for everyone involved.

I know that this isn’t why you’re asking exactly, but I have just had a very bad eye infection. This necessitated four different kinds of hourly eye drops (including through the night) for five weeks and daily hospital visits. My eyesight is badly damaged but I was lucky to retain it at all. In the midst of this I was frightened and extremely low. Losing my eyesight was a very real prospect and I could have quite easily stayed in bed all the time. He might really be struggling with the prospect of losing his eyesight. If he is going to the hospital daily it must be bad. It is also fairly painful in the early stages. I know it’s frustrating, but maybe just take a really deep breath and cut him even more slack than you usually do. Take care and look after yourself too ?

I'd barter. "I'll do your eye-drops/get you a drink (whatever!)" and you can unload the dishwasher (or whatever job he is capable of and you'd like him to do!)
I think sometimes OH's get too set in their nice comfortable and looked after ways and you need to (gently) order them about a bit.

After reading all the responses, I do feel very sorry for you Carenza123, as part of my job as a reablement worker, I have come across hundreds of elderly men who cannot cope with their medication and lives after they are widowed. It makes more sense to persuade him to do it, and if he refuses, tell your GP or the Eye clinic.
He can claim Attendance allowance after retirement. CAB or Age uk can help with claims.Then he can pay you to act as his nurse..
Has he ever been supportive to you and made you drinks?

My OH had a course of eye drops a while ago and asked me to administer them, which I did willingly for a while, even though he used to screw his eyes up tightly! In the end I showed him how to do it himself which he learned to do very quickly and found it much easier.

If you have to put medication in his eye every hour what do you get out of life? If this is for a week or two then I would probably accommodate it but I wouldn’t do it indefinitely.

Totally see where you are coming from. My suggestion is a slightly crafty one. If you are not asking him to do things , you are exhausted and frustrated and getting angry. If he is depressed it is very hard to be able to do anything and I speak as someone who has lived through various bouts . So I have sat in total tips and just been unable to make the simpleist decision. Then I know when I am getting better , when I go into the same mess and think what a tip and I need to get things sorted. So back to your situation now. I suggest that you at first organise to be out for a morning, to do something that officially cannot be left, checking with the bank , food shopping or whatever. So he either has to do things himself , go without, or arrange for someone else to visit and do the things. If he is depressed you may have to do all the organisation . So for you, while you are out give yourself a small treat, perhaps have a nice coffee in a cafe, meet a friend there or if itis dry and nice now is the time to g o in the park and kick some autumn leaves about. That little break , not only from the physical but the mental stress of being totally responsible gives you the strength to carry on. If you can do this even once a week in the beginning, you will feel calmer , less resentful and the situation will become clearer, so that you can look at which is the most important part of your husbands state, which needs addressing. I was an ambulance car volunteer and did 3 days a week for 10 years and eye problems were of course a major reason for people needing my help. I took all sorts of patients for many reasons,. While you may think things like heart problems and cancer are the worse to cope with, on a day to day basis eye problems were some of the most depressing. Reason being, often the patient cannot be sure that things will definitely improve or remain static but may get worse. Poor eyesight affects so much every day, cant drive, maybe cannot read anymore or watch favourite programmes. dont feel able to garden, worry about walking as you fear you may fall over things. Cant do favourtie hobbies, pop out for ten minutes, etc etc. So whilst the eye problem may not be long term or even need more than a change of glasses etc , it can have far reaching effect. A couple of years ago I was told that I have macular eye problems and as driving reading gardening etc etc are my hobbies first reaction was a bit panicky. However the option explained that whilst their very sophisticated machines could inform him that the condition was there , it is a very long term problem and not likely to cause me difficulties for some years , just needs checking in my regular eye tests, so far I comply with all tests etc and it has not worsened in any way, Hope this is of some help. Oh also if you get one of those cant sleep because you feel so rattled about it all, put pen to paper, write it all down ,then put paper away in a drawer and after a couple of days read what you have written. Then you will either agree that is exactly how things are or see the changes. then enjoy ripping it up to pieces or burning it. If you go to scuff through the leaves see if you can go out to some country lane, bit of moor with no one else about and then take a deep breath and SCREAM!! I find it wonderfully worthwhile and feel rather like a 9 year old shouting ITS NOT FAIR ITS NOT FAIR1 Well my dear at least you have us to read your words and know we sympathise with you and your husband. Wonder whereabouts you live? If I am out and hear a scream or two it might be you having a go!

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As others have said, feeling low makes small tasks difficult. Finding small tasks difficult does make you feel low.
If his eyes are bad he will not want to do anything much I suppose as everything will just feel impossibly difficult - including making drinks.

I'm assuming the eye problems have been going on for a long time - if so he may fear that he will eventually become blind and it is that fear that is immobilising him. Maybe call his consultant's secretary and ask to speak to a specialist (or specialist nurse) at his hospital clinic and get advice/reassurance.

It's hard being the supportive/caring person full time. 💐

Good thoughts here madeleine45.
I hope they help.