Christmas sadness

You tried to be a good Mum, it’s what we all mostly do. None of us were perfect and a good proportion of us just muddled through it all. I would suggest trying to make the most of your invite to your sister in laws and try to remind yourself that for lots of people the tv advert, whole family round the table just doesn’t exist

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt Sallywally1 and that you are estrangedfrom one of your children. It always hits harder at Christmas doesn't it.
I have to agree with JaneJudge you did your best which is all any of us could do. The Christmas hype about happy families all sitting around the table is largely just that - hype. Enjoy your time with your sister in law without fretting about what might have been.

Why not invent your own Christmas, including lunch with your SiL.

Plan little treats during the day, tv to watch, sweets to nibble, book/magazine to read.

of course it will not be the same as having the family round, but if you can find a way to make it better you should.

It is a question I always ask, why when family life doesn't go as planned, do people always feel that they are at fault or a failure. Sh*t happens in the most well regulated of families. Children, AC children in particular, are independent human beings with much in their lives that has absolutely nothing to do with us. So why blame yourself?

I’m sorry you’re so sad. Will you be able to see your eldest and your son between Christmas and New Year? I hate the ads showing the big happy family around the table. I have one child and now he’s married we and mother in law enjoy alternate Christmases. We live too far apart to all be together. It’s not my turn this year but I am looking forward to some time together before New Year. I do my best but confess that I did cry the Christmas before last. Too many unrealistic expectations are heaped on us at this time of year.

We all want to be good parents and try our best but things happen in families. Sometimes without any reason or explanation these things happen.
You are not alone people from every walk of life are lonely all year around.
You have an invite so go and enjoy it feeling sorry for yourself won't help. Look forward to seeing your family that you do have a relationship with when it's possible.

Oh how I feel for you and agree with all these comments. Christmas can be absolutely awful, lonely and sad! We must all just take no notice of all the Christmas Ads and Cheesy Films, it’s not real and few people have an amazing Christmas, too much stress and emotional and financial pressure. If you like your SiL go there and try and make the best of it, if you don’t want to go there then stay at home, get your favourite foods and drinks in, watch your favourite films and listen to your favourite music. Treat yourself and do absolutely whatever will bring some joy to you. Good luck and best wishes x

I remember your story Sallywally - I too have 3 AC, all living in the same town. Although I am not estranged, I have been on the precipice many a time with my daughter and middle son, so I know how it hurts. I feel sad that you are deprived the joy of seeing your grandchildren. Never mind - you have your husband (I’m on my own, divorced) and you have an invite. Just go to your s.i.l’s house and enjoy yourself. Christmas is a difficult time for a lot of people. I’m not a great fan of Xmas 🎄

Christmas can cause a lot of heartache for many. It isn't the happy family around a laden table it's portrayed to be.
Can you make arrangements to see them all later? As long as you get together at some time it will still be good. I think Christmas get blown up out of all proportion and leaves people feeling sad and lonely.

It’s not helped by the tv ads being all about holidays and sales from Boxing Day onwards, makes you feel as though if you didn’t have the great family feast on Christmas Day you’ve missed out. There are all the days between Christmas and New Year to enjoy if you have company, or to just please yourself and do and eat what you want if you don’t.

Why bother to watch television when you can watch DVD's or the BBC, in the absolute confidence that there will be no adverts.

We have 4 daughters, they have husbands, children with husbands and children, more children - great great great grand children .

Too many for one meal in the winter inside, I'm old as is my husband. We have each of our daughters and her family round for an Advent Sunday Christmas - perhaps 16 to 22 people at a time. Four meals.

They all have their own families to consider as well. Our daughters are grandparents and great grandparents-- they have lots of others to plan with, some grandchildren have in-laws to plan around.

All that to say --- I agree with all the others who have said that there are lots of people who can't all be together, they have to switch days with in-laws.

I'm sure you were a good mum. Your children are having this Christmas meal with their in-laws, that's nice, maybe next year it will be your turn. Do have a lovely time at your sister-in-law.

We, of all bizarre turn of events, are having my brother and his new wife, as well as her family and GC round for Christmas. She is lovely -- but he was single forever it seems and this is all new to us.

We all just decided on this plan. We're vegan, my brother loves meat, his new wife is vegan, her family include gf, sugar free, and have allergens.

I'll wish you happiness and you wish me luck!

Im going to put another point of view. Some people dread christmas not because they will be alone, but because of the pressure their parents put on them to join in a large get together. To people with demanding public facing jobs the holiday is an essential space for them to wind down and get some "me" time.

Since I left home and became an independent adult I always dreaded the big family christmas with the squabbling kids and the TV blaring out. I tried my best to avoid them and dreaded the advent of November when my mother would begin the "what are you doing for christmas" interrogation.

It became worse when I moved to another city. Being a non driver I was then stuck at my parents house for days with the no trains situation. Eventually I started going away to spend the holiday in a non christian country like Morocco, India or Egypt.

The fact is that some people may want to be alone or strictly en famille at holiday time. You have to accept their boundaries even if you dont agree with them. Would you really want anyone there simply out of duty if they were hating every minute of it?

Norah - by all accounts, you have done very well 😍

I think it is normal that you won't spend every Christmas day together

Make plans another day, invite them over... Christmas is not a measure of how close and supportive a family is... It is just one holiday and there are so many other days in a year

I agree with VioletSky, as above.

I can’t remember a big family Christmas with everybody. It has just never been realistic, not because of estrangement, but practicalities, distance, jobs etc.
DH and I had our own quiet Christmas, then went to other family on Boxing Day and subsequent days. This year it will be the first Christmas I have ever spent with my son since he married, about 24 years ago.
So adjust your expectations, OP. It is nothing to weep about. Other people have much more cause to weep. Try to enjoy the days, even if they are not what you are used to.

There are a lot of us,too and we almost never get them all together. It is just one day, not something to stress over. With various husbands, wives, other grandparents etc it is a bit of a lottery who goes where. We are going to our eldest’s this year but only 2 of our 4 daughters will be there. Boxing Day some of the others are coming here for a BBQ - hope it doesn’t rain! It is what it is. I have a vivid memory of my grandma once getting all her 10 children plus their children together. She was practically purring with delight but it was a rare occasion.

We have one child, our daughter. She is married with one grown up daughter. She has never, in 21 years of marriage, asked us to spend Christmas with them or wanted to come here. We are not estranged. It's upsetting but what can we do? She doesn't spend it with her in-laws. They just like to do their own thing. You are not alone.

I think there can be a great sense of loss & melancholy around Christmas, whether it's the loss of estrangement or remembering very jolly Christmas pasts and missing dreadfully the loved ones who made it so but who are no longer here.

Here there are a lot of Italian and Greek families who really get together a lot with their extended family. I think they have the right idea, it was quite noticeable when we first came that it didn't happen so much with British families. Aussies do,though and I suppose now we are more Aussie than not having spent over 3/4 of our lives here.

I truly understand the grief of those who lose someone close to Christmas, but on a broader basis, every life ends with a death and if after a death every potentially happy occasion is to be clouded in the sadness of death, what miserable lives we would live.

In my 80s, most of my childhood family has gone, but at Christmas i can look around and see those around now that were not around then - my children, and grandchildren. the family that my DDiL has brought into our lives.

The reason that almost every culture and religion has a mid-winter festival devoted to light is to remind us that death and darkness surround us at times, but it always holds the promise of spring and the returning of the light.

So i do hope that all those who let the love of dear ones cloud their lives, years and decades on caan see that it is part of the immutability of time and that 'If winter comes, can spring be far behind?

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I am estranged from my daughter for 9 years and it hurts. I also tried to be a good parent. Losing out on so much of their lives and their two daughters lives also hurts. Thankfully her ex husband got in touch after 2 years estrangement and I do see her daughters and they text me. Don’t beat yourself up because your are not alone even though you feel lonely. Why not spend the day on your own. Laugh, cry and eat what you want. Go for a long walk or a drive. But I wouldn’t want to spend the day with another happy family. It will pass and it is only for one day. Sending love and hugs.

Hi, I'm feeling sad and anxious in the run up to Christmas as my Mum may get her (long awaited) diagnosis of dementia this Thursday. The whole Christmas thing is making the anticipation worse. But I'm saying to myself she needs that treatment. One day at a time.

I’m sorry to hear that PoppyFlower. I can imagine how worried you feel whilst the rest of the world seems to be in a jolly mood, but there will, sadly, be so many people awaiting a serious diagnosis at this very minute so you are not alone, and many here with experience of dementia will always be glad to give you a virtual hug. If your Mum is diagnosed with dementia she can, as you say, get treatment and once a diagnosis is made you know for certain what you’re dealing with and can access support and advice. I wish you both well and hope you have an enjoyable Christmas together. 💐

I’m sad too, we are never invited to spend Christmas with my only son, he spends every Christmas with his wife and her family, I’m never invited. He complains and tells me not to buy gifts he doesn’t want then complains I haven’t bought as much as previous years. He then asks for expensive gifts which I get him but never says thank you, neither does his wife, they both have good jobs I’m retired on a small private pension! He sent me a book via Amazon unwrapped, he also ignores my birthday, Mother’s Day etc and rarely gets in touch, I feel I have to be grateful for any ‘crumb’ of contact we have and always feel like I’m tiptoeing round him so I don’t upset him. Growing up I gave him everything he wanted, I paid for his wedding/honeymoon, paid off his mortgage…never says thank you…I’m broken hearted and don’t know what to do..