Is it ok not to attend the funeral of a brother?

Absolutely fine and I'm sorry for loss

I see nothing wrong with this tanith. I'm sure your s.i.l. will appreciate you both having put together some of your memories, and I doubt she was unaware of the lack of closeness in your relationship.

I'm sorry for your loss, even if not close losing a family member isn't easy .

I’m sorry you’ve lost your brother. Even if you weren’t close, it’s still a loss.

How upset do you think your brother’s family would be if your sister doesn’t attend? Will they be understanding? Though at 81yo I think she can be excused. Will the funeral be streamed online so she can watch?

nanaK54

Absolutely fine and I'm sorry for loss

Agreed on both counts. You could take a small gift for his widow from your sister, but I'm sure she will understand whatever you do.

I think that is perfectly fine. We've had a similar situation in our family and the person who couldn't attend, sent a note to be read out and quietly remembered her sibling as in "being with you in spirit" on the day of the funeral, with her own family - a small gathering of remembrance.

Also, many funeral services now are "live streamed" for people who cannot attend.

Condolences on the loss of your brother. 💐

I think that is fine too, tanith.

I also think it’s fine, tanith.

That seems fine to me too.

Condolences, tanith

I think it's understandable that your sister is reluctant to go, it's a long drive and she is 81. Driving really is not a pleasure now, particularly on motorways.
It would be perfectly all right, imo, for her to telephone or write to your sister-in-law and explain, which I am sure she will do.
You will be there to represent that side of the family too.

I'd be fine with that too

Depends entirely on what your sister thinks and wants ‘deep down’. If she really wants to go to the funeral and would regret it afterwards if she didn’t it would it be good if this could be made possible for her. ‘Be there at the end’ is a powerful message and IMO a mistake to deflect people from doing what they think is right.
If she isn’t bothered about it of course no problem.

I’m sure all concerned will understand Tanith as it such a long journey for your sister to make. It will be fine.
My condolences.

If she feels she might regret not going then could she take the train and stay with you for a couple of nights?

If not, I'm sure that will be fine.

I think the idea of including her by zoom is very thoughtful if she wishes to do that.. otherwise it is fine to miss the funeral IMO

Perfectly fine to miss the funeral.

Thanks everyone I don’t think she will regret it she asked what I thought about her not coming and that’s when I said I thought it would be fine.
I did the trip on the train last October it entails 3 changes of train ( she lives quite rural) and a bus ride it was not an easy journey for me.
I think my SIL will understand. Thankyou.

Other than my dh and children I have no one other than a brother who I am not close. I was thinking the other day would I want to go to his funeral should he pre decease me, weird I know but I was. I decided I probably wouldn’t.
He has been rather unpleasant over some serious issues the last 15 or more years so think it woukd be hypocritical if I did go and certainly don’t think my sil would miss me.
It’s a pity things aren’t different.
So no I am sure there won’t be a problem if your sister doesn’t go. A card to his wife, flowers maybe, should be fine.

Condolences Tanith

Of course it is ok, your sister is 81 and it is a long way for her to travel regardless of how she gets there.

I think it's her choice. It's an awfully long way.

Condolences Tanith

It is entirely up to her whether she chooses to or not. It is a long way but she has to make that decision for herself.

My husband’s older relatives who live at a distance did not attend his funeral. Only one had health problems. They watched the live stream though.

My sister may well be similar to your brother silverlining. She has been difficult and unpleasant for a number of years, but I hosted her when mum died and for mum’s funeral because she lives over 200 miles away. She was then extremely unpleasant over the will and inheritance. I don’t feel I want to go to her funeral but if it would support her adult children, particularly her daughter who I am very close to, then I would go.

My daughter lives in New Zealand and sent a lovely little resume of her memories of Nana which my niece read out at the funeral, and both my sons spoke too. My daughter cried because she couldn’t make the funeral, and I offered to pay her fare, but it wasn’t money that stopped her coming, it was the difficulty of the flights from such a long distance.

tanith I think it’s fine for your sister not to go to the funeral. She is 81 and the journey is difficult. The suggestions on here are useful. You can go to represent the family and support your lovely sister in law, who I’m sure will appreciate you being there.