My Value

This is not about your value, please don't think that. I hear it so frequently from ffiends as well as on here, but the generation of our children seems to think only about themselves, and of course we offer our help willingly, and very few it seems realise how fortunate they are. I also understand your feeling that you can't speak up or you will lose out. That too is really common, although shouldn't be. If only I had the answer, but please don't feel you are in any way to blame. Try to make sure in between childcare, you do and have things for yourself

Motherduck -
Believe me .
You are not alone .
This is a common complaint amongst my friends .
One of them gave up a lucrative career to care for her granddaughter and her reward is being completely disrespected by the child's mother , who has actually tried to have her sectioned in order to get her house .
Another friend couldn't provide child care on ONE occasion and her daughter went berserk at her .
She suffers from severe agoraphobia and anxiety .
I just saw another friend , who was actually shaking from fear from another onslaught from her 22 years old daughter , who is ruling the roost .
I don't know what the answer is :
my mother would have slapped me silly .I was scared of her -that's the difference .

It never occurred to me to be rude , argumentative and disrespectful towards my parents .

Seems to me some of these 20+ something or other young mums are entitled brats. Selfish in the extreme in the “what can you do for me” mentality.

Maybe share your hurt? If you have a smartphone you could family WhatsApp (I believe! 🤣 I choose not to have one). Communication is key I always say.

Mention you enjoy looking after your grandchildren when asked and when it fits in with your working hours - but put a positive spin on it. Say you miss seeing them (your daughters). Ask for their suggestions as to how best some sort of catch ups could be arranged. Suggest coffee at theirs/yours/a cafe. Say ‘c’mon girls we are all busy but an occasional get together for a chat and a laugh would do us all good’.

Good luck. I think you’re feeling undervalued. So put a premium on yourself. You know what? You’re worth it!

Treat them to afternoon tea to get the ball rolling if you have to. And don’t leave the cafe without arranging the next convenient meet up for you all. As the date comes around you can always tweak it to suit but at least you’ll have one to aim for. Make a fuss of THEM. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results!

Sorry you feel like this Motherduck it's not nice to be undervalued or unappreciated. The answer lies with you though, make a life for yourself outside of family commitments and enjoy it. Put boundaries in place with your family and stick to them. You deserve better than this, don't be Motherduck to the exclusion of everything else. Good luck.

I am shocked at how little respect some children have for parents who do their best to support adults who behave like spoilt children. Don’t think my self respect would ever have let me put up with this behaviour. The OP needs to put a higher value on herself and the help she is prepared to give.

How ungrateful adult children are today.

I would have loved even an occasional babysit when my kids were young but one set of parents lived over 100 miles away and the other about 200.

My neighbour has been put upon since her granddaughter was born and she is now 13. She looked after her almost full time till she went to school, then had to pick her up and drop her off. She had to cancel so many outings and events due to her childcare responsibilities. I couldn’t believe it yesterday when we went out together and she said “I must leave soon as I have to take their dog out.” Now the daughter is older they bought a dog and expect grandma to take that out every lunchtime!
They don’t ask, they just expect.

I told her as much and she said she didn’t want to say anything or refuse as her son had fallen out with her 10 years ago because he claimed she would never help him out with childminding as she favoured her 2 daughters!! She has not seen his children or him in all that time.

Sorry to say this but they take you at your own valuation, and at the moment it seems to be as a doormat.
If you are not enjoying looking after your grandchildren and you are exhausted by it, stop it.
They would not dare to speak to childminders or nursery in the way they speak to you.
Why are so many grandparents afraid to say no?
Draw up a schedule of what you have to do, want to do and need to do. Then fit in a limited number of childcare commitments and refuse to do more.
They won't change unless you do.

Harsh. I do enjoy looking after my grandchildren. A little appreciation would go a long way though!

Lots of good advice from others - so I am just sending kindest thoughts

I hope getting it off your chest has helped. They sound very selfish and unthinking daughters and I feel sorry for you. As for sulking and sending you to Coventry that's not acceptable at all.

I don't know what the answer is as they are unlikely to change. Perhaps you could gradually be less available from time to time.

We do seem to have a generation of entitled youngsters who have very little regard for those around them. I never had a free babysitter when I was a young mum and I was a working single mum and had to do it all. They don't know or seem to care how lucky they are to have a loving parent willing to help them out.

I don't even know them but they make me cross.

Yes I think this is the key, that one is resentful of the other in terms of which grandchild ‘has me’ the most. For example, I have always done the school run and I enjoy my grandson he’s a delight. I probably collect him from school 3 times a week. However since my younger daughter had her 2 (now both toddlers) she has told me that I should give equal time to her 2. That I can’t do unless I restrict the time I do the school runs. She is overtired and struggling. As we all are with toddlers and no support…. I never had help from my parents when I was a full time working Mum and I wanted to try and help my Daughters, I’m glad that I’m able to.
At one point in the spirit of fairness I suggested that I would allocate each daughter one day per week for helping out ..would look after the 2 little ones one day weekly or probably a morning/afternoon weekly, and in turn I would collect the older grandson once a week. My elder daughter said that this was unfair to my eldest grandson because he was used to me collecting him from school and it was him that would miss out. If I took the 2 toddlers to school to collect him it was a trial and he would get bored having to ‘hang out’ with 2 toddlers. My eldest daughter is a single mum working full time. My youngest Daughter gets tired and stressed but she really doesn’t understand how much harder it was when mine were little.
Yes I agree I’ve made a rod for my own back but I wanted to explain a little how it has evolved. I wanted to support them as I never had the support. And do you know even now if I’d just get a ‘thsnks Mum’ now and again it would make the world of difference.

Ahh motherduck sometimes we can’t do right for doing wrong eh
The elder daughter is wrong in pulling you away from taking the cousins to meet him out of school that sounds a perfect solution and I m sure he’d enjoy playing with them and would even help you with them ….maybe in a very kind way you can suggest you have to do what ll work for you as well as for her and the children

The neighbour I spoke of earlier ….. her daughter is a partner in a firm of solicitors and she doesn’t give her Mum anything for childminding or dog walking. They never take her on holiday or anything like that.

I can see how their resentment of each other impacts on this situation. Poor you Motherduck. Seems you can’t do right for doing wrong. And for how many years are you ‘expected’ to do the school run. Ye gods.

That sounds about right Primrose! They have far more disposable money than I do.

I do think this particular generation is generally selfish. Compared to us (most of us being parents back in the 70s/80s I guess) the next generation expects to have their cake and eat it. They expect their social lives and their spending power to be the same as before they had children. Then, if short of time or money, they often expect the grandparents to sort this out. And yes, I am speaking from experience.

Don’t strive to make your presence noticed.
Just make your absence felt.

Motherduck

Harsh. I do enjoy looking after my grandchildren. A little appreciation would go a long way though!

I don't think Easybee was being harsh at all, just realistic. Of course you enjoy your GC but that doesn't mean you should accept the way your DD's are using you and feeling entitled to do so.. I think a bit of straight talking would help.. Tell them that you feel unappreciated and expect them to give you more respect and affection. There is no way they will allow your invaluable help to be discontinued but it might just increase their appreciation of you.. You actually have more power in this relationship...

Where are the men in all this?
Are there no dads or grandpas who can help look after the kids?

DD was looking at a house. Did she get to see it? Could the viewing be rearranged?

There seems to be a lot sibling rivalry with your DDs. They should be helping eachother not expecting you to carry the load at every opportunity.

You do far too much for them.
I like Urmstons suggestion that you find time maybe once a month to get together and all of you enjoy the DGC together.

There's nothing we like better as parents than seeing our parents and our DC together.

Thank you for your messages and support, I needed to get it off my chest.

Grammaretto

Where are the men in all this?
Are there no dads or grandpas who can help look after the kids?

DD was looking at a house. Did she get to see it? Could the viewing be rearranged?

There seems to be a lot sibling rivalry with your DDs. They should be helping eachother not expecting you to carry the load at every opportunity.

You do far too much for them.
I like Urmstons suggestion that you find time maybe once a month to get together and all of you enjoy the DGC together.

There's nothing we like better as parents than seeing our parents and our DC together.

My husband is still working, and my son in laws both work away.
My eldest Daughter is in a demanding and professional career and my younger daughter is at home.
She didn’t view the house although I did try to ring her and I then messaged her to say that I’d change my plans so she could keep the viewing. She didn’t want to speak to me.
The sibling rivalry comes 100% from my younger daughter. I’ve always looked after my little grandson and as she now has 2 demanding toddlers she assumed I’d be more hands on. That said I’ve always tried to help whenever she’s asked me but I haven’t taken the role of ‘one day a week’ for example because she is a stay at home Mum.

You are not alone Motherduck - we grandmothers are taken for granted. I know I am.

Me too. You're not a person with a life, you're just mum/nan/grandma.

Part of the problem of this ubiquitous thing called "family life" is that you live through and for other people and not for you. You give away pieces of yourself day by day. Eventually you may reach a stage when there are no more pieces to give. And you often feel guilty even thinking about me and me time.

Time to sit down and seriouly ask yourself how does this kind of life serve me?