Claire's Law

Having recently moved to the area does not explain why there's nothing about him on FB. He may not use FB which isn't necessarily a red flag. I don't use it either.

Claire's Law is there for a reason and the secrecy of this new relationship would concern me too.

You ask what would I do? I would see if I could use this Law to put mine and more importantly, my GD's mind at rest .

Yes, use the law, however at this point don’t tell anyone.

This relationship may be being kept “secret” because your DD feels it’s very early days, she may feel that people might “judge” her for dating so soon after a bereavement and she may just not her daughter or anyone else to know yet.

Bereavement and grief all affect us differently and we all grieve in different ways and for different time periods.

I hope you find nothing awry, but if you do do please tell DD first before DGD.

Good luck to you all

I agree with Cossy. There may be no sinister reason for the secrecy. Yes, use this new law and if nothing untoward is revealed never tell anyone what you have done. If, God forbid, something worrying is revealed be prepared for your daughter to be very angry with you when you tell her, but it’s what I would do in your situation and she will eventually thank you for it.

I hope there is nothing to worry about and that your daughter feels able to talk about this new relationship soon.

how old is GD

I’d definitely advise using Clare’s Law in these circumstances, WorkingGran. Your DD sounds vulnerable right now and sadly there is no shortage of people out there just looking to take advantage. I had a colleague who would have been saved a lot of heartbreak if this option had been available when she met “her perfect man” shorty after a traumatic divorce.

Of course I hope all is well.

You can’t use the The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme as a general background check. Just because your daughter is being secretive doesn’t meet the person she is meeting is bad.

She’s perhaps feeling awkward about needing to be with someone. Others can very judgmental about widows and widowers expecting us to stay in weeds for years or forever. Children can be feel insecure, even resentful about their parent seeing someone new.

Before releasing information, police must be sure that the request is genuine and not malicious; that there is a pressing need for the disclosure; that it is necessary to protect the person from being the victim of a crime; and that the impact on the perpetrators’ rights is necessary and proportionate.

Details that can be shared include information on convictions or allegations of assault, murder, manslaughter and false imprisonment, which may not already be in the public domain.

www.theguardian.com/society/2024/jan/06/revealed-police-refusing-requests-for-background-checks-on-violent-partners

It took 5 years of hard work and determination to bring in Claire's Law. It is there for a reason, so use it. Often our gut instincts are spot on. In your shoes I would be using this Law. Good luck.

Whatever you decide to do I would not involve your grand daughter nor would I ask her for information, she may tell her mum now or in the future about your investigations and it will cause at best unpleasantness at worse estrangement.

I can understand your concern, when grieving you are not thinking rationally.

Claire's Law should be pubkicised much more.

I know someone who only got to know about it after she escaped an abusive relationship.

This could implode if this is all aboveboard.
Could you speak to your daughter and explain your granddaughter’s concerns?

It would be a good idea to talk to your DD and find out why she is being so secretive. She may feel she is protecting your GD by keeping quiet. On the other hand the secrecy may come from him, in which case she needs help.
You could suggest you meet him once she realises you know, that might help you decide.

Germanshepherdsmum

I agree with Cossy. There may be no sinister reason for the secrecy. Yes, use this new law and if nothing untoward is revealed never tell anyone what you have done. If, God forbid, something worrying is revealed be prepared for your daughter to be very angry with you when you tell her, but it’s what I would do in your situation and she will eventually thank you for it.

I hope there is nothing to worry about and that your daughter feels able to talk about this new relationship soon.

I wouldn`t tell GD. When I read up on it, and even on the police website, it says a relative can submit it but if there is a record of concern they would then disclose to the partner, which is completely fair. I would be prepared for the flack at interfering, which I never do by the way, but if the concern was justified then I can stand by it.

Glorianny

It would be a good idea to talk to your DD and find out why she is being so secretive. She may feel she is protecting your GD by keeping quiet. On the other hand the secrecy may come from him, in which case she needs help.
You could suggest you meet him once she realises you know, that might help you decide.

Not at the moment because GD isn`t supposed to know either. Teens have ways though and are very tech savvy.

WorkingGran1964

Glorianny

It would be a good idea to talk to your DD and find out why she is being so secretive. She may feel she is protecting your GD by keeping quiet. On the other hand the secrecy may come from him, in which case she needs help.
You could suggest you meet him once she realises you know, that might help you decide.

Not at the moment because GD isn`t supposed to know either. Teens have ways though and are very tech savvy.

Sorry I didn't make it clear I would do it without reference to your GD. Use something like "You are looking very happy these days" or "have you had your hair done"or even "have you thought about meeting someone new?" or "Would you ever use that Tinder thing?"

No mention about how long the OP's son had been ill and what the illness was. If it's been fairly long term a lot of grieving would have been done throughout the illness and so DD cold have been feeling relief once her husband had died.

Please do use Claire's Law, I wondered how you know the man's name?
Have to say you wouldn't find me on FB as I don't use it.
Good luck

Long before Clare’s Law came into being my daughter was befriended by a middle aged man. He had this idea for summer hols activities. My daughter wasn’t the only young mum approached.
She asked me to come to her house when he was there. I knew straight away what his game was.
As soon as he’d left I told my daughter that we were going to the police ( obviously we knew his name and we knew he lived in the next road)
The police woman told us that they were aware of him but as ( so far) he hadn’t committed a crime there was nothing they could do.

I am assuming your granddaughter is a teenager. Has she met this man?
It sounds as though mother has not brought him to the house and is possibly keeping the relationship (if there is one) secret because she does not want to upset her daughter. Early days.

Uneasy about granddaughter eavesdropping and using 'find my phone,' whatever that is, to check up on her mother. Can she simply not ask 'are you seeing someone?' Trust works both ways.

When I was in your daughters position and recently widowed I was very careful about not exposing my son to a new pertner but nevertheless feeling in need of some comfort. Not an on-line person but an old friend.. I think that even though she is greiving it is not unusual.. I certainly didn't talk to my mother about it but had she asked I would have been honest. I think your daughter is probably shielding her daughter and if you are concerned you should ask your daughter..

Hi OP ...as long as you prepared for the fall out if something comes back....because although you have the right to request...you will not have the right to the response...that will be given to your DD ..... and it will be unlikely you can keep your GD out of it as your DD would likely suspect her

A relative / member of the public can ask about the partner of a close friend or family member. If the police decide to share the information it will usually be with the person at risk. It focussed on convictions or information that leads police/other safeguarding agencies to ‘reasonably’ believe someone poses a risk of harm to another person.
It’s sad but true, that infatuated/bowled over women often dismiss this kind of advice

Dinahmo

No mention about how long the OP's son had been ill and what the illness was. If it's been fairly long term a lot of grieving would have been done throughout the illness and so DD cold have been feeling relief once her husband had died.

It was the OPs son in law who died.

First off, her mother was doing the right thing by keeping a new relationship far away from her grieving daughter. This isn't even a question imo. Second, OP are you speaking to the adult in the situation or are you snooping with your granddaughter? Now that she has a clue, the first thing you should have done was pull her mum to the side and let her know. Playing detective here is harmful. Your granddaughter's vulnerability at this time needs to be carefully navigated by her mum. It's the exact opposite of helpful for you to involve yourself in her mum's personal business behind her mum's back. The most important thing is acting in the child's best interest. It is not in her best interest for you to take a lead here. Have a word with her mum that your granddaughter suspects she's seeing someone, then step back.

Not living in the UK, I have no idea what Claire's Law is and can't advise.

I do however feel you need to be very careful here.

Depending on how old your granddaughter is, it may be possible to explain to her that people deal with grief very differently, and that her mother may be desperately trying to find a way of moving on with her life without her husband and the girl's father.

Is she old enough to understand that we love different people in different ways, and that no-one can replace her father, nor is her mother doing so, but she apparently feels the need of male company.

Whether you or the girl should broach the matter to her mother no-one can possibly advise you about. It would be difficult to do, and probably impossible to do without hurting and offending your daughter - however your granddaughter's feelings should be respected too.

Presumably, your daughter thinks she is being so discreet that neither you nor her daughter realise she is trying to make new friends or dating, or whatever it is she actually is doing. Obviously, she is not being as discreet as she thinks but what you can or should do about it, apart from leaving well alone is really impossible to say for all of us who do not know the exact circumstances.