Jealous grandparent

Sipti1983

I think it can work both ways though. I have a friend, who took redundancy from work one day and took over child care for her daughter the next. Her husband and her had discussed this before hand and he had made it clear that he didn't want to spend his free time as a childminder, even though he loved his grandchildren. He felt they were in their twilight years and wanted to spend time together as they had always worked very hard. His wife however just wanted to spend time with their grandchildren and could not understand why her husband did not. It caused a lasting problem in their relationship. It can work two ways. I'm not sure why OP's husband is jealous, whether its because he wants more time with the grandchildren himself or of the time they are not spending together as a couple, but clearly its a discussion they have to have.

Before I was made redundant from my job OH used to collect one GS from school a couple of afternoons a week and I would cook him tea when I came in from work.
Now that I'm at home we now have two GS a couple of afternoons a week after school but also have our youngest GS three days while his Mum works part time.
We made it clear that if we were around that we would look after GC if they were poorly in an emergency but we were doing childcare on 3 days only whether we had one or five of them. That way we had four days a week to do as we wished without being tied to childcare issues. We also swap with other grandparents if they are taking a break away on holiday etc or if we are away ourselves.
It sounds a little mercenary but I can understand the situation above - and plenty of people will no doubt in agreement but it is something that needs to be discussed by all concerned to avoid conflict.
As my sister put it when she and her OH retired but looked after their GC they looked forward to every Monday being a a Bank holiday Monday!!
We love our time with our GC but the peace afterwards is bliss some days

Horti

I think your ideas are good and worth a try

Let us know how you get on Horti Good luck!

I think your ideas are good and worth a try

He clearly has a problem! I think you need to change how you respond to his behaviour as in:

Do you realise that when you do our daughter and I feel that you are playing us off against each other? Is that your intention?

Did you mean to put me down like that in front of **?

At the moment you appear to be jealous of my time with our grandchildren! Is that the case?

ie you are naming his behaviour to him!

He will probably deny/get huffy/ ignore or whatever. In which case your response is "OK I am wrong then. So what IS the cause if your behaviour. Talk to me!"

If you get a positive response and he starts opening up then really listen and acknowledge. Then encourage working together on a solution ...but not giving up your red line of spending time with grandchildren etc!

If you don't get a positive response then say "I can't help if you won't talk or explain. I am not going to stop looking after grandchildren. It would be nice if we could do that together without these difficulties!"

Sounds stilted written down but the overall idea is to get the problems into the open, listen if he engages, draw your red lines so he knows you aren't giving up what you want to do!

Good luck

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MOnica wrote:

"But any contact with another person, spouse, friend. relation, employer, medical attandant will have its plusses and minusses and unless we live the life of a total recluse, we all make decisions on whether to continue a relationship basedon balancing the plusses and minusses and as we, ourselves are not perfect, we accept that those we love may not be a joy to be with 100% of the time"

That is true. If you can't like another person warts and all you are the loser. However sometimes we have to cut our losses and abandon that person.

The sleep will do you good.

But any contact with another person, spouse, friend. relation, employer, medical attandant will have its plusses and minusses and unless we live the life of a total recluse, we all make decisions on whether to continue a relationship basedon balancing the plusses and minusses and as we, ourselves are not perfect, we accept that those we love may not be a joy to be with 100% of the time

I almost fell asleep before I reached the end of that sentence.

biglouis the people on this thread who have to deal with this problem are a very small sample of GN members, who are a very small sample of the married population and will, almost by definition, especially attract those iwth this problem.

But any contact with another person, spouse, friend. relation, employer, medical attandant will have its plusses and minusses and unless we live the life of a total recluse, we all make decisions on whether to continue a relationship basedon balancing the plusses and minusses and as we, ourselves are not perfect, we accept that those we love may not be a joy to be with 100% of the time

When I read threads like this Im glad I never re-married after my divorce and have no children.

M0nica

I would tell him to start acting his age and not his shoe size.

That’s a good one. I’m going to remember it for future use.😂

Yes all sensible comments
I think he actually wants our GC to
Like him and gets jealous if he doesn’t get a positive reaction but I do as I put more effort in ! It’s strange
He was jealous of attention I spent on DD years ago also but also didn’t put effort in to form a good relationship again due jealousy until she’d left home

My ex would behave in exactly the same way.........hence he is now my ex. I cannot tolerate manipulative jealousy and NO ONE tells me how much time I can dedicate to my own DD, SIL and GD.

I would tell him to start acting his age and not his shoe size.

I think it can work both ways though. I have a friend, who took redundancy from work one day and took over child care for her daughter the next. Her husband and her had discussed this before hand and he had made it clear that he didn't want to spend his free time as a childminder, even though he loved his grandchildren. He felt they were in their twilight years and wanted to spend time together as they had always worked very hard. His wife however just wanted to spend time with their grandchildren and could not understand why her husband did not. It caused a lasting problem in their relationship. It can work two ways. I'm not sure why OP's husband is jealous, whether its because he wants more time with the grandchildren himself or of the time they are not spending together as a couple, but clearly its a discussion they have to have.

I’ve also had a few months of health problems which are starting to resolve

During lockdown there wasn’t much choice to change things
Since then the health problems and other family needs have needed both of us to help with
I’m biding my time to see how things pan out moving forward
Yes he is like a spoilt child with jealousy issues !

Why are you "ticking along" with this person who treats you so badly?
Who is jealous of your relationship with your GC, who gets nasty if you spend time with your GC, who enjoys putting you down to others and is generally difficult and unhelpful, who you managed to get through lockdown with without too much confrontation, who is trying to play your Dd and you off against each other but luckily you don't succumb to this.
Again, why?

Perhaps you could help with DD and leave him to GS?

Let him have the whole baby care situation, I'll bet he changes his tune when he's in charge of all things baby.

I have heard about this kind of situation quite a few times. I think you must be patient because if it was me I would blast him.
He does sound like a spoilt little boy who has had his nose pushed out. You need to have a word with him the sooner the better.
You mentioned your DD has had problems. The last thing she needs is listening to bickering. For her sake alone I would talk to him before it's gets out of hand.

He sounds like a jealous child! I wouldn’t put up with it! Has he always been like this?

Just responding to bring post further up the list!

Is he jealous of the time you spend with GC, instead of with him? I think you mean he wants to have more time with the baby than you have or develop a closer relationship.

Can't really offer any advice, but this is a relatively new situation in your lives and some people don't react well to change. I'd be inclined to ignore it, though when you say "he gets nasty" you may need to respond - though walking away can be a good tactic. Others here may be able to help.