DGS unhappy about convos not involving him

What sounds spoilt about a boy saying he feels invisible when with his mum and grandma. That’s not spoilt he’s just expressing his feelings.

His world has just shifted, after 9 years of being the only child in the family there is another whom he is expected to love and accept unconditionally. On top of that, we all know the fuss that people make of new babies. When the older child is a toddler everyone thinks of the displacement and they will get presents and extra attention, we forget that, it will be equally dificult for an older child. and in this case he is capapble of expressing how he feels.

I do not think he is spoilt, but I have a much younger sister and, in her case, again, it was not that she was spoilt, but she was the first consideration when anything was being arranged because she was so much younger than the rest of us. It is probably the same with this child, not spoilt, but used to the world just revolving round him.

Suddenly the world revolves round someone else and he feels alone and isolated.

Could you have the baby so he can have some time with his parents? I know it is something he is going to have to get used to, but it might help the transition. If he’s turning down one in one time with you it sounds like it’s his mum’s attention that he’s missing the most.

I once read that having a new baby in the family for a previously only child, was like a husband saying to his wife, I love you so much I’ve decided to have another just like you.

I can understand how frustrating it is all round!
Poor boy, visiting Granny but she and Mummy chat amongst themselves (as any mother would want to do with her daughter) but he doesn’t see it that way.
So I would suggest more strategic use of your time- have that mother/daughter time when he is at school or involved in one of his interests -Lego, books, football, colouring etc and resist the temptation to focus on your daughter when you are all together. Talk to him, share his activity, even watch TV with him or do a puzzle together.
Out of interest- where is Daddy or Granddad on these occasions? Surely it is not always just the 3 of you?
I think we have all had experience of trying to have a conversation with our AC which is then “sabotaged” by the GC needing attention.
There is a way round it, but it requires patience from OP and her DD.

DGS isn't noticeably jealous of his sister, more the opposite, wants to hold her and push the pram. Maybe he's trying to share the attention he sees her getting? I thought I was being careful not to focus on her not him but this episode is making me take a check. I'm really grateful for all the time and effort being put into your posts and the positive suggestions for how to move past this. This is the 1st time I've used a forum like this and am blown away. Thank you all again

Thank you Doodle. I see him as sensitive not spoiled

He's not spoilt.

Just needs more attention currently. For a few months you could try ignoring everyone except him when you are all together.

Ro60

My DgDs struggling too. - same sort of age & a new baby.
She used to come for tea more often but these days has after school activities and I think she thinks she's missing out if she's not at home with parents & baby.
I'm expecting it to settle down. This winter term is difficult too - New class at school, the weather gets colder, shorter nights, all the bugs around she seems to be catching.

[Ro60] The fear of missing out (fomo) is certainly a thing and the school have been very good with him. Hope your DGD will be ok. I'm hopeful too that time will make a difference.

Welcome Happybut - btw, I love your name! Ambiguous & can be taken two ways.
Half term here, so DgD's off to her Dads - a break for all.

At nine, whether or not he is struggling with the to him sudden and unnecessary acquision of a baby sister, he is old enough for you to gently explain to him that no-one can expect to be part of all and every conversation.

Explain kindly to him, that even although his Mummy is grown-up, she is still your "little girl", just as he will always be his Mummy's "little boy" and that you and she have things to talk about that do not necessarily interest him.

Have you tried giving him something to do, while you talk to your daughter?

This is a difficult situation for a grandparent, and you certainly have to tread carefully, but I wonder if perhaps there's too much walking on eggshells with your DGS? At 9 years, he should certainly be aware that there are conversations between adults which need to take place, as long as the adults give him attention some of the time. He is clearly a sensitive child if he has been reluctant to go to school since his sibling arrived, but here's the conundrum parents have to negotiate: the more sensitive the child, the more they need (and want) clear boundaries. One of those boundaries is that you know you are not entitled to behave as though you can demand attention when adults are having adult conversations, as long as promises are kept to give him his turn. I would have thought this could be explained to him by his mother: "I need to talk to Granny for 10 minutes. I'll be with you after that". Children who learn that they can manipulate adult behaviour will do so, but become very unhappy and insecure because they really want parents to be parents (and grandparents to be grandparents). Having said all that, you will probably have to step back and let your daughter get on with it, or risk alienating her. You need to be there to support when needed, and give advice when asked. Not easy!

This has to be a developmental issue as my 9 year old grandson is now doing the same, by charmingly but insistently inserting himself into the conversations with my daughter ( interrupting in other words!). I think they are at the cusp between beetling off to play and wanting to make more sense of adult interactions. We sometimes stop and listen, sometimes remind him he is interrupting. It works out ok.

Wonderful that he could voice his feelings. Yes he is old enough to understand that grown ups don't always have to include him in their conversations but he is young enough to seek a bit of attention reserved just for him. Especially as he had voiced he feels left out. Spare him a bit of time, extra cuddles and acknowledge how hard the role of big brother can be. Do something just you and him even if its just a walk. Let him know you love him. My step grandchild said they felt left out when we talked about family things so that was a bit of a shock but we got round it. You can reassure a child without pandering to them. I'm sure its just a phase. Good luck.

My suggestion would be to invite them all over.
Take a timer (egg clock) - play a game with your GS, then say, I am going to cuddle with the baby for 10 minutes or speak to DD for 10 minutes and put the timer on for your GS to see how long it will take before you are back to play with him again.
Making it visual should help him as well as getting into a routine that first you play with him, then baby then DD, then him again.
It will get easier soon. Make sure you have something for him to occupy himself while you are with baby and DD but I assume he has a phone or tablet to play on.
You can also make sure that while you hold and cuddle the baby that you carry on a conversation with him so he does not feel left out. Though at the same time, he does need to learn that sometimes he is not involved as the world does not revolve around him. It's hard going from a single child to being a sibling.

Nine years is a very long time to be an only child before a new baby sister arrives. It is no wonder that his nose is well and truly out of joint at the moment. In addition to this, he is getting towards the top of primary school and being expected to behave in a more mature manner. As others have said, he needs to realise that he is still your precious grandson and that will never change but that he cannot dominate all the conversations. My grandparents used to buy us a comic and some sweets each week. Is this a possibility for you? The Beano is still in print and I can tell you from my experience with children of this age that it is still as popular as ever. You could talk to him and play a game with him at the beginning of your time together then give him the comic telling him that you and his mum are going to have a chat - just boring grown up talk - and you will be with him again later.

HappyBut - from a psychotherapist - DGS is suffering from what we might call the Oedipus complex, or separation anxiety. If he has been refusing to go to school, and complaining of feeling marginalised when you and his mum get together, it's clear that he is jealous of anything/body that intrudes on his relationship with his mum. School is an intrusion which may leave his mum free to spend more time with younger sister that he doesn't want. Unfortunately for him, he has to accept that he isn't his mum's sole focus and the sooner he is able to use logic to appreciate that the better he will feel. I would not allow him to dictate the proportion of his mum's time that she spends with you. This will only promote a very unhealthy relationship between the two of them in the future which may develop into a greater form of control.

But him a phone for Xmas and you can text him all the time…. my two, 10 and 15 always conversing with me ….mostly the parents don’t know…. they trust me to give good advice /answers to any questions…. they keep me informed about their ‘goings on’ maybe not all his goings on , the 15 year old!
But they ring me …chat in their way ( texting) and we get on fine…. and when I do see them in person ( not that often due to school ) they just carry on the conversation where the text left off. Get phones and Join in the modern fun.

He's not spoilt. He's not forming an unhealthy attachment with his mother or you in my opinion. He's a little lad of nine whose world has been turned upside down and he's trying to understand it. It's great that he can see and say how he feels left out at times. Some good advice on here I think. Beano or similar is a great idea, especially if it's explained in advance "I'm going to play this game with you now and then mum and I will have a cup of coffee and a grown-up natter together while you read your comic/ watch xyz on TV/ put together this lego kit etc etc." Give the lad a break. Much better to try and help him solve and understand his feelings now than just sit on him, squash his bewilderment, tell him to behave, only to wonder why he acts out in later life. Good luck, with a caring gran like you seem to be I'm sure you'll all reach a happy togetherness in the end, no need to get it all sorted by yesterday.

This should have been dealt with before the baby arrived ,I find it difficult to understand why so many grans on here think its fine for a nine year old to expect to be the centre of attention ...join in adult conversations .
My dad would have been horrified if one of my children butted into a conversation as would my husband and I .Our children were taught from an early age that interuppting s very rude .
Of course my daughter says we were old school with these things but I believe its important that children know how to behave well .
Nine is not a baby so you need to stop babying him,how would his teacher react if he wanted to join in her conversations with another adult or headteacher ?

Saggi - a phone at 9?
No, put this one off as long as possible!

I'm almost with paddyann.

I dont like children butting or listening in to adult conversations - I'm of the *bugger off! We're talking!" school of thought.

We had a late lamb, an unexpected baby when my youngest was 9yrs old.
I knew he would be put out and bent over backwards to spend as much time with him as possible. I even took him to a football match when baby was a few weeks old! I knitted him sweaters to his own design and took him on a youth hostelling /hill climbing holiday when I was pregnant.
It mainly worked although he became a bit moody later on.
He got over it and became her favourite big brother.
He has 2 DD of his own now and is a devoted dad.

My youngest DGD has had a new baby cousin recently.
I asked her if she had seen the baby and was she cute?
The 5yr old replied "'I'm not the cute one anymore!"

What a wise little person.

Yes, I agree with paddyann to a certain extent but I wonder if Gran and Mum chatter away to each other to the extent that the lad feels completely left out.

You see Mums on their phones these days, ignoring their children, although I'm not saying this is the case in this instance.

Perhaps it might be an idea for the convos to stop for a while and Mum, Gran and the boy play a game together? Uno or an old-fashioned board game? The baby can't play so it might be nice for the three of them.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.