Are we being unreasonable?

Sounds rather selfish and entitled. If your son has also had your car for the past 18 months as well then perhaps he ought to be more gracious. I wouldn’t keep pandering to him tbh.

No it doesn’t sound fair.

However, it’s their child and it sounds as though they are totally inflexible about it.

I doubt whether it will get better as the child gets older.

you could always say no
from your version of the events, they sound a bit paranoid around safety but it is difficult to keeping up with a 2 1/2 yr when out about even if you are physically fit, so maybe they think he may run off and you wouldn't be able to keep up - maybe ask. See if you can come up for solutions to possible safety issues?

No it isn't fair Emma. I would think that if the child was with a paid child minder she would be going out and of course taking her charge with her. It's also very unfair for them to have apparently stopped the Friday arrangement because you wanted to looking after your GC at your home rather than theirs.

I'm so sorry this is happening, you've formed a relationship with your GC and now haven't seen him/her for 3 weeks or had any meaningful contact with your son.

I hope when you do get together to discuss things that you'll be able to make clear what your requirements are when providing free child care, and that spending long days in an isolated area, with no car seat and a park or shop that's close enough for you to walk too, isn't one of them. You want to be able to look after him in your home, or have the means of going out with your GC when you are there.

Good luck.

Fairness doesn't really come into it. I would go so far as to say that it is utterly irrelevant.

It is a question of you and your family talking the matter through, in a reasonable manner, your son and partner explaining to you quietly and unemotively why they have made the decisions they have made and then you explaining to them quietly and unemotively how you feel about the decision and how you see it and then you all agreeing a way forward that is satisfactory for all of you. Remembering always that the final decision lies with the parents.

But this needs understanding and co-operation on both side. Is this possible?

Could you ask him the reasons he has these rules? if he does not give a reason then I wouldn’t do the childcare.

Life is not fair - we know that since we are kids and it doesnt change later in life

This is not about being fair or unfair either

Who purchased the car seat? who does the car seat belong to?

Your son and gf seem not want you to drive with their child in the car - safety issue maybe?

Their child their rules.
You can always decline if the babysitting arrangement is not convenient for you

No it’s not fair, if he can’t give a good reason for his rules then I am afraid it would be no childcare. They are not thinking of anyone else but themselves

Whilst it is very tempting to say 'their baby their rules' I do feel that they are calling all the tunes on this. In my opinion they are being very unreasonable to expect you to be at their house from 7am for a full day with no means of taking the child anywhere - in your shoes I would feel as if they didn't trust me.

Time for a very long conversation with DS and his GF, ask if they trust you, tell them you are prepared to look after GS but they have to work with you.

It sounds to me as though they are very anxious about something bad happening to their child, and are minimising the risks to him by wanting to keep him in his own home. I think you need to get to the bottom of their fears for his safety/well-being, and take it from there. If you aren’t able to live with the rules they want to impose that’s up to you, they will be able to find somebody else who is willing to look after him at his home - but he will be going to school all too soon, and they won’t be able to control his environment then so it is to his and their benefit if they can see a way forward now.

Have you previously looked after your grandson at your home before they asked you to look after him at theirs a few weeks ago?
Did you used to drive him in your car?
Did anything happen to make the parents worry?
We look after our 2 grandsons once a week and are always asked where we want to look after them, so as to fit in with any plans we may have, which makes us feel appreciated

If they don't feel conformable with their child being out and about, that is how they feel.

I'm afraid they can't change that to suit your ideas of what fair is.

You just need to wait until they are ready.

I don't think arguing will get you anywhere and you might risk not getting to have grandson at all. Bring husband for the day if he wants time too

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. Yes, I’ve usually looked after him at ours and no incidents or dramas. They bought the car seat and I offered to buy it off of them but was told “don’t be silly you don’t need to do that”. I’m prepared to compromise on the not taking him in the car and letting them know if we’re going for a walk in the buggy but would prefer to have him at mine where I can also get on with my day. I work Monday through Thursday so it’s part of my time off. Plus as he’s getting a little older it’s trickier to keep him entertained stuck in doors all day. We are going to try and discuss it calmly as I really do want to know what their concerns are.

Of course you are not being unreasonable! I have my GC in my house and my daughter brings her and picks her up. I take her out in the car to local park or woodland. I would only ask permission if taking a long journey. Yes their child their rules but if they don't like what you offer they can always pay for child care. I hear similar stories to yours but parents need reminding that Grandparents are doing their adult children a massive favour - it is not the other way round!!! I prefer to do childcare in our own home as I feel more confident and in charge at home. Many parents are far too strict about what GM can or can't do!! My daughter has complete faith in me and GC are very happy to be with Grandma and Grandpa! Adult children should be greatfull we are fit and willing to do such long days caring for their children. When you speak to your son make it clear what you are prepared to do and equally what you are not prepared to do. Easier said than done I know that! I feel my GC is safer on my home territory than they would be in their own home because I feel more at ease and comfy in my home. Barmyoldbat I couldn't agree more . Son is being selfish.

Can I ask who looks after your grandchild the rest of the week if you only have them one day?

well basically you are doing them a big favour to give all that childcare; it is very restrictive on your lives, you cannot just take off for the w/e when the fancy takes you.
so they ought to fit in with you as to location.
i'd hate to be stranded in the middle of nowhere, stuck in their house all day with a lively and tiring toddler. sounds grim. and a long day at that.
i think if they can't bring him to yours, say no more.
as to the driving issue, there may be some fears behind it.
good luck.

Do either of them have anxiety at all? I only ask because I was exactly the same. Convinced there was going to be a car crash and my child was going to die. Horrendous feeling.

Maybe that's what they need to talk about?

I don’t like the concept of ‘fair” in regard to a child. He’s not a possession to be shared around like a cake!

I agree with MOnica. It’s something to be discussed if they want to have the benefit of childcare. And for you to discuss if you want time with your grandson.

I just wonder why the car worries them. If you haven’t driven for 18 months you could be very out of practice.

"parents need reminding that Grandparents are doing their adult children a massive favour"

It may not always be the case

Some parents schedule this kind of arrangement for the benefit of the grandparents, not for the child

1 day a week sounds like a great bonding opportunity, not babysitting.

Even when doing favours we don't get to dictate terms.

Nothing wrong with asking but it's then a yes or no.

You can say no

The demands made by so many ACs are just beyond belief. We have so many friends who have to follow such strict and limiting rules and expected to have the honour of looking after GCs. Just goes too far. And none of them dare say anything, as they are practically blackmailed. Any arrangement should have some give and take.

It isn't a case of fair or not. They must have their reasons for their decisions and perhaps being anxious about the child going out to public places might be something to do with Covid.
He is what is termed a Covid Baby ie arrived into the world at a time when we were all soon to become restricted and perhaps they still have those anxieties about him becoming ill or travelling in a car with someone other than themselves.

It's best to try to discuss it all rationally and calmly so you can reach an understanding.

All relationships require give and take, and mutual respect, and honesty. Grandparents who are willing and able to help should be made to feel valued and respected. And vice versa. I hear so mayn stories from friends that indicate they are totally being taken for granted and made to follow lists of 'rules' to the letter and more or less blackmailed on the matter. Too far!

Fleurpepper

The demands made by so many ACs are just beyond belief. We have so many friends who have to follow such strict and limiting rules and expected to have the honour of looking after GCs. Just goes too far. And none of them dare say anything, as they are practically blackmailed. Any arrangement should have some give and take.

I was about to say almost exactly the same, including the blackmail point, but you have summed it up much more concisely than I had.

Yes, there has to be give and take on both sides, or one party will quite understandably be unhappy and the 'arrangement' will not be a happy, successful one.