I chose one over the other now I regret it

What a terrible story! To be perfectly honest you need to immediately distance yourself from your daughter! Reach out to all your other family members and friends and tell them what’s been happening across many years. See a GP, get some counselling. Be very strong and brave!

Personally I believe this is a form of domestic abuse and the relationship is highly toxic.

Good luck

You are enabling your daughter, you are the parent and it is up to you make boundaries and call out bad behaviour. You will not be here forever then she will definately be alone.

I agree with Cossy. This is coercive behaviour and you need to confide in a GP, social services or the local vicar. Can you reach out to your son and explain that you have been manipulated through no fault of your own ?You are the important one here not your daughter.

Cossy is right you need to reach out to your family and friends. You need to contact your son and tell him what you've told us. He needs to know that you accept what you have done, that it's responsible for you being estranged, and that you are sorry.

Your daughter is coercively controlling you Ogabc and because this type of behaviour can be so damaging, it was given it's own status in the 2015 Criminal Act.

Your daughter can't be happy now if she can behave the way she does and you enabling her to coercively control/abuse you, isn't going to prevent her from being lonely when you've gone.*

Please* stop this abuse, it's never too late and your son needs to know how much you regret the way things have been.

I agree with Smileless. Ask your son to help you get free from your daughter.

You've finally recognised what she is doing stop her now.Talk to your son and your GP both you and your daughter need help.
maybe she is frightened of being on her own but she needs strategies put in place to cope with that and you can't do it.
Best of luck.

So many new GN members lately with family problems!

I have a sister who controlled my mother for years even though she lived a distance away. Decisions were made on my mother’s behalf that she had no control over. When my mother was ill my sister took control and my mother went into care. I haven’t seen most of my family since my mother died because they all sat back and said nothing.
Don’t spend the rest of your life with regret you must however possible speak to your son family and friends. Reach out for help you have to you don’t deserve the treatment you are getting. Your daughter is manipulating and it must stop make that happen sooner than later.

First, lets get things straight. Nothing you do while you are living will have any affect on your daughters life after you die.

If your daughter ends up sad and lonely after your death, well that is her problem, nothing you can do about it either now or later =-and your description of her suggests to me that if that is the result, well, it will be well deserved.

In the meanwhile there is absolutely no point in making yourself into a miserable door mat to no purpose at all. So pull yourself together and get yourself out of this mess.

Contact your son and tell him what you did and how sorry you are and how much you regret it and how much you want to change the way your life is being lived.

Then start living your life, not your daughters, make contact with friends and make arrangements to see them and ignore your daughter and what she wants. Start by just going for a walk when your daughter doesn't want you to.

Your problem is not insuperable. It is your hands to change everything and if you don't, don't blame your daughter take responsibility for your own actions.

Get some counselling Citizen's Advice, Age Concern or just a search online or going to your GP will help you make contact with one.

Cossy put exactly what I was going to say.
Love and hugs your way.

Cossy

What a terrible story! To be perfectly honest you need to immediately distance yourself from your daughter! Reach out to all your other family members and friends and tell them what’s been happening across many years. See a GP, get some counselling. Be very strong and brave!

Personally I believe this is a form of domestic abuse and the relationship is highly toxic.

Good luck

This is exactly what I think. Please, please please do this.

One step at a time

You cannot lose what you never had in the first place.

Start claiming your independence from your daughter

Once you feel strong enough to be on your own - that will take time, you may then think of the relationship with your son, new baby or not.

If you want to discuss your concerns and get some advice, contact Hourglass (Safer Ageing).

Hourglass (Safer Ageing) helpline
Telephone: 0808 808 8141

Sorry, couldnt work the above and a comment, but that number is recommended by the Gov.uk website.

Blow the whistle on your daughter! Tell your son what is happening, speak to anyone who will listen . Your daughter does not own you !! Don't dwell on wishing you had acted differently in the past, act now to ensure you don't add to more regrets to the list! If loose your daughter - so be it , hard, I recognize that but ask yourself ' what have I lost'? The answer is simple - nothing ! More to the point ask yourself ' what have I gained?' the answer is peace of mind , independence, and freedom . Don't be afraid this is a dangerous relationship and daughter or not it is most definitely an unhealthy relationship.

M0nica

First, lets get things straight. Nothing you do while you are living will have any affect on your daughters life after you die.

If your daughter ends up sad and lonely after your death, well that is her problem, nothing you can do about it either now or later =-and your description of her suggests to me that if that is the result, well, it will be well deserved.

In the meanwhile there is absolutely no point in making yourself into a miserable door mat to no purpose at all. So pull yourself together and get yourself out of this mess.

Contact your son and tell him what you did and how sorry you are and how much you regret it and how much you want to change the way your life is being lived.

Then start living your life, not your daughters, make contact with friends and make arrangements to see them and ignore your daughter and what she wants. Start by just going for a walk when your daughter doesn't want you to.

Your problem is not insuperable. It is your hands to change everything and if you don't, don't blame your daughter take responsibility for your own actions.

Get some counselling Citizen's Advice, Age Concern or just a search online or going to your GP will help you make contact with one.

All of this . It’s not too late to start living your life but you’ll need to be willing to do it. Get help with your go, counselors etc and start taking baby steps to assert your independence. Stop covering for your daughter. As younger better at reaching out and seeing friends etc you can reach out to your son and apologize. That you Recognize that your own behavior has led to estrangement and you now see where his sister was manipulating the situation to her own gain. Hopefully over time your son will accept your apology but I caution against wanting him to jump right back in and be a part of your “savior” from
This situation. It will likely take time for him to believe in this new yoi / especially if thr estrangement has gone on some time It’s possible he never feels comfortable - but that aside you need to break out from just doing your daughters bidding not to see your son or his children but for yourself. So that you can lead a full life of independence and friendships , relationships with your sister etc.

Ogabac345 I'm so sorry you are in this position. ❤
The way I see it this is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.
Try looking it up and see if anything helpful crops up.
Do try hard to ring the number MissAdventure gave you.
Don't loose heart if you put the phone down out of fear of the unknown, a few times.
One day at a time as hithere said.
I'm glad you posted keep it up.

First of all, I would contact your son, and tell him what’s been happening. Apologise for anything you’ve done with regard to him. Hopefully, he will understand, although it may take time.

Then, reach out to other family and friends, explaining it all.

As other posters have said, there are professional people around to help as well.

As they say elsewhere - get your ducks in a row. That will make you strong enough to deal with your daughter.

Sometimes, although we bear, give birth to, and rear our children, they can still turn out to be dysfunctional and damaging.

You need to get your life back, free of your coercive daughter.

Good luck and best wishes. 💐

This is your life, your family, your friends and most importantly, your son. You cannot let this continue, for your sake as well as those around you

Only by taking responsibility for your role in this situation will you be able to be accountable to your son, please remember that any lies you told or distance that resulted is yours to claim

Please get help to put boundaries in place with your daughter and put distance between you so you can move forward and repair those relationships that are healthy

That's a very good point re Stockholm Syndrome Namsnanny. I think it's a good idea that you look this up Ogabc, you may find it helpful.

Yes, sometimes I think people get sucked into this sort of situation.

Most need support to get away from it.

Sad if a child turns out be so manipulative though.

Yes they do DL. It's very sad as it can do so much damage to other equally important relationships.

Only you know what is happening, if you don't tell your son or your sister or a professional - nothing will change! Just bite the bullet and get your life back, life is not a dress rehearsal!! Just think how positive you will feel when you take that first step and experience freedom and a little power. You are worth so much more and you know that. Stand tall, be brave and enjoy the experience - just go for it!! 💐

So many supportive and informative posts. I do hope Ogabc feels strong enough to speak out to her family.