Is “ No Contact “ abuse ?

I’ll go first . I believe that “no contact “ can be viewed as abuse . My reasoning for this is that it’s an action imposed upon someone, normally unexpected, without explanation. Surely this is an act of intentional Emotional cruelty which in my opinion is abuse . I’m not disputing the reason why anyone chooses to opt for No Contact - there could be very good and valid reasons for this . Situations of severe abuse for example. No Contact which I consider abuse would be where a person literally chucks someone away ( often a perfectly loving and good well intentioned parent) . Cases of no contact which are definitely abuse imo would be where the person does this by text , email or even worse ghosting . These scenarios are abuse because you are just leaving someone high and dry with no proper explanation which often then leads to terrible consequences for the poor estranged person wondering what in earth they failed at . Also , the whole fabric of your life and expectations are shattered if you don’t at least have that conversation. To ghost someone really is cowardly and definitely a form of abuse . Does anyone agree with me !

Absolutely
Look up Narcissist and all their other attributes
Frequently do not come over as the big I am
Possibly think covert narcissist

@Gwyllt

Yes that’s interesting. My son and I are possibly heading towards NC , something I really do not want of course. It’s a long and complicated tale . My DIL and her mother have been particularly influential in this and given my DIL is expecting her 1st child ( my only grandchild) it’s been extremely fraught . This has been made much worse because it’s coincided with the sudden unexpected death of my 59 year old partner . So add grief into the mix and it’s horrific. My son has been extremely cruel to me . His actions and foul language, lies and other emotional abuse have led me to the speculation as to whether he might have narcissistic personality disorder. He is now 31 so if the age where he’d get a proper diagnosis and some treatment. He’s as bad as my DiL behaviour- wise so I can’t simply shift the blame to her , even though I realise her behaviour has been far from kind .

@Gwillyt

Oh meant to add i been told already and for many months now that I’ll have no relationship with my grandson, despite there being absolutely no good reason for their decision. I feel very sad and disappointed in my son actually.

I think no contact can be hurtful and underserved. It can be unfair.

If the "no contact" is used as leverage to get something (think silent treatment), that could be abusive. I also wouldn't consider that no contact.

True no contact, ending the relationship completely, is not abusive. No adult is required to have a relationship with someone if they don't want to. Familial relation doesn't change someone right to choose who is in their life.

You could stop talking to your cousin because they don't like cilantro and that would be your right and absolutely not an abusive action. Even though it's unfair and hurtful.

It sucks to have to live with the consequences of their decision but that doesn't make their actions abusive.

Repeatedly violating their no contact wishes would be though.

User138562

I think no contact can be hurtful and underserved. It can be unfair.

If the "no contact" is used as leverage to get something (think silent treatment), that could be abusive. I also wouldn't consider that no contact.

True no contact, ending the relationship completely, is not abusive. No adult is required to have a relationship with someone if they don't want to. Familial relation doesn't change someone right to choose who is in their life.

You could stop talking to your cousin because they don't like cilantro and that would be your right and absolutely not an abusive action. Even though it's unfair and hurtful.

It sucks to have to live with the consequences of their decision but that doesn't make their actions abusive.

Repeatedly violating their no contact wishes would be though.

I couldn’t word this better. Estrangement can be painful and hurtful but no it’s not abusive. You aren’t owed a relationship with someone because of a blood relationship , or any other reason. Adults are allowed to decide for themselves, and parents for their children whom they wish to have a relationship with. Things can be hurtful to someone and not abusive. However continuing to push back on and break down someone. Who has gone to no contact , could be abusive. And it could definitely land on in trouble with the law. My husband and myself, and our children were nc with my hateful in-laws for decades. It was by far the best choice we ever made.

if your son is rude, insulting and cruel to you, maybe it would be better for you to go low contact with him.
you can't make someone like or respect you.
if you don't get on, or there is a clash of personalities, perhaps just getting on with your own life is best.

Ladysuisei

@Gwillyt

Oh meant to add i been told already and for many months now that I’ll have no relationship with my grandson, despite there being absolutely no good reason for their decision. I feel very sad and disappointed in my son actually.

(((hug)))) to you, because you must be devastated... and with no closure either.. no explanation for his decision... I'm sorry this has happened to you...

No contact is very hurtful, but so is “sending to Coventry, glassing, no affection and other unpleasant behavior, it’s very common and I have been on the receiving end. I should have left 5 yrs earlier.

@Grams2five

Do you mind me asking what made your in - laws “ hateful “ ? Was this down to a disagreement or something or are they genuinely deserving of being ostracised. Until this started happening to me , I would be under the impression that parents who might have done something really bad ( maybe criminal activity, abuse of various types etc) would be estranged and for good reason . What puzzles me is that for loving , caring and perfectly good parents like myself are increasingly being dispensed with out of convenience more than anything else . I’m trying to understand my situation and I read something ( not in GN) which stated that this type of cavalier behaviour towards parents and other family members is considered to be a form of abuse because of the cruelty involved and also the lasting consequences for the poor person who has been estranged. I’m finding this whole episode so painful because I’ve given my son a lovely upbringing to the best of my ability, I’ve never fallen out with him before, and more importantly they waited until my partner died suddenly in January 2023 before they began this campaign of hatred towards me . My son would never have dared treat me like this when his step dad was alive and I’m trying to understand what motivates a person to cut someone they supposedly love out of their life . I’ve asked you this to try to get some understanding of this type of thing

@Katie59

Can I ask you please was it a child or a parent who you walked away from ? I’m so snxious . With the cruelty being currently being thrown my way , combined with so many lies delivered with various expletives , I would be possibly better off showing my son the door . This , however, would be a final act that I really don’t want . For some obscure reason he wants me ( largely) out of his life but it isn’t what I want , so I won’t instigate it . That will need to be down to him

The trouble with all of these posts is that the other side is never able to say how they see it
Sometimes there is a lot that is left unsaid

Everyone should have the right to walk away from a relationship without having to give rhyme or reason for their decision.

While I am sure this does not apply to the OP. It is quite common for the person left NC to see themselves as the innocent party who has done nothing to cause the behaviour, when the person going NC will tell you a different story of mental and psychological - and sometimes physical abuse by that person.

Going NC is not abuse.

There’s a lot from this poster recently. On several threads.

Enthusiastic Newby, weren't we all?

There is a difference between going no contact and removing oneself from a toxic relationship which can be very positive
The abuse situation can be when ignoring, giving the silent treatment is used as passive aggression. Ie a manipulative action sometimes used by narcissists. Along with other manipulation tactics

Well I certainly remember being an enthusiastic newby M0nica.

No contact can be very abusive where there are cruel texts, emails, letters and 'phone calls as well as verbal abuse where there are face to face encounters. Lies being told to other family members and friends in common to try and get them to go no contact too is abusive.

No one has to have a relationship/contact with someone they don't want too but it depends on how the person whose on the receiving end of no contact experiences it. If they experience it as abuse, then I think it's reasonable for them to say so.

Smileless2012

Well I certainly remember being an enthusiastic newby M0nica.

No contact can be very abusive where there are cruel texts, emails, letters and 'phone calls as well as verbal abuse where there are face to face encounters. Lies being told to other family members and friends in common to try and get them to go no contact too is abusive.

No one has to have a relationship/contact with someone they don't want too but it depends on how the person whose on the receiving end of no contact experiences it. If they experience it as abuse, then I think it's reasonable for them to say so.

"It's reasonable for them to say so" must apply to both sides if true. If an estranged parent can call a situation abuse if it's "reasonable" then so can the AC. And I imagine the AC has a different perspective than this poster and would consider the situation abusive as well.

To be clear, I'm saying you can't rightly call something abusive because you think that's reasonable. There are actual definitions of abuse to use.

And none of those examples with emails, calls, etc would be no contact. Usually when you choose to go no contact you would block incoming calls and texts, reject mail, etc. None of those actions are abusive. They are hurtful.

Ladysuisei

@Grams2five

Do you mind me asking what made your in - laws “ hateful “ ? Was this down to a disagreement or something or are they genuinely deserving of being ostracised. Until this started happening to me , I would be under the impression that parents who might have done something really bad ( maybe criminal activity, abuse of various types etc) would be estranged and for good reason . What puzzles me is that for loving , caring and perfectly good parents like myself are increasingly being dispensed with out of convenience more than anything else . I’m trying to understand my situation and I read something ( not in GN) which stated that this type of cavalier behaviour towards parents and other family members is considered to be a form of abuse because of the cruelty involved and also the lasting consequences for the poor person who has been estranged. I’m finding this whole episode so painful because I’ve given my son a lovely upbringing to the best of my ability, I’ve never fallen out with him before, and more importantly they waited until my partner died suddenly in January 2023 before they began this campaign of hatred towards me . My son would never have dared treat me like this when his step dad was alive and I’m trying to understand what motivates a person to cut someone they supposedly love out of their life . I’ve asked you this to try to get some understanding of this type of thing

My in laws weren’t criminal people or physically abusive . They were miserable , bigoted people who never wanted anyone else to be happy either. They refused to respect our family unit as a seperate entity to themselves ,were rude , condescend and outright disrespectful of our marriage and our decisions to have our children. Mil actively campaigned to derive a wedge in our relationship , both as a married couple and also in my husbands relationship with fatherhood , trying to suggest that it was so sad he was being “forced “ to have children and “so young” (this was 35 years ago and we were married and in our mid 20s mind you) and he was going to “miss so much it made her sad “ the in-laws only ever had one child and we’re convinced we should too, as a result they treated our second and third children differently and behaved as though our growing family offensive to them. They used their church prayer groups to spread half truths - mil asking people to pray for our marriage when there was nothing amiss and the straw that broke the camels back way back when our daughter was born I had severe pregnancy complications and was hospitalized and she forced her way in as a visitor and attempted to lecture me on how her son changed when he met me at university and he would never have been so selfish as to have four children and we ought to think of someone but ourselves. So we did - we thought about our children and if they deserved to be forced to see the miserable hag and decided that they did not. There was no silent treatment or manipulation - we simply stopped contact and my husband eventually straight out told her he didn’t wish to carry on speaking to them and so we stopped. It took sometime to emotionally recover because there was more than just what I wrote here - years and years of feeling so anxious when they were to visit I’d be feel sick etc. but I’m the end we were so much happier. Our older two remember them - the younger ones do not and not one of the four ever “grew up and wondered what became of their loving nan and grandpa” as I’m sure the in-laws spun their story. The ones who were old enough to know them later said they were quite released when we stopped seeing them . And yes they were told many times over years that they were acting badly , that whatever was not respectful etc. they should have been well aware of the issues. In fact they had issues in their relationship with their son when I met him, he warned me they were miserable people. I’m positive they claimed to have never had a clue though. Spent decades carrying on about how their awful dil must have controlled their son. When really - it was their sons decision to finally cut them off after a lifetime of feeling poorly toward them. Which is sadly often the case - people who claim to have no idea I’m sure do exist but the vast majority I believe simply were r listening or paying attention

@Gwillyt

Yes I get that but I suppose we post on here in good faith for advice and an exchange of views . Personally, I feel that suddenly being chucked onto the scrap heap of life is akin to being abused because of the pain it causes . I suppose those who are estranging don’t see it like this.

@woodenspoon

Yes I thought this was how it worked . I saw this topic and thought it was interesting 🤨
I won’t in future!

@mOnica

Yes - I thought this is how it works! Whoops 😬

Of course 'no contact' is not abuse. People have free will.

@Grams2five

Ah that’s quite a list isn’t it . I’m new (!!) and I’m terrified that my son and DIL want rid of me , so I’m trying to get some tips as to how to avoid this . I really want them in my life .
I know I need to give them space as my DIL expecting . My story is quite horrible actually my son is telling lies and being abusive towards me . In order to justify their actions I believe. I don’t think I’m guilty of any of the things which you’ve listed but somewhere along the line we had an incident of miscommunication which wasn’t discussed. We both have different recollections now ( it was 6 months ago ) leading to it festering and potentially destroying our relationship. I’m so sad . This occurred whilst I was newly bereaved ( my partner died suddenly and unexpectedly jan 2023) so all round , things were fraught . I’ve been told I can’t see the child which is heartbreaking- I have reflected on whatever I can remember and this is totally unnecessary and malicious behaviour on their part . To be denied a relationship with my grandchild is unforgivable given my son still wants to see me once a week . I’m probably delusional- I expect I’ll find myself estranged . The difference is that I’ve had an explanation but it’s something that we can resolve , it is not insurmountable. He says it is . I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe at the moment- I’ve never had a fall out with my AS and DIL and it’s so hurtful. I’m trying to do absolutely anything to put things right but my AS is intractable- tells me I will never be forgiven. I found out by accident about the pregnancy, due to a threatened miscarriage and I asked why I hadn’t been told , purely because I was really confused by what was going on . Pregnancy? What pregnancy? Threatened miscarriage- oh no what’s going on ? I ( apparently) said I was disappointed I didn’t know but that was because I didn’t know what on earth was happening and I didn’t have the opportunity to be a source of anything let alone comfort. This was taken out of context , meaning I was disappointed with them . Goodness , if we’d have talked about it we wouldn’t be in this mess now .
So , to me this feels like I’ve been very hurt on purpose actually. I wish events had unfolded in a much less frantic way but I feel so upset that they think I was disappointed with them . My son only told me this today - I don’t remember saying this , so I apologised nevertheless and said I was not disappointed with them , merely the awful situation. Apparently I’ll never be forgiven .
Everyone has their own story don’t they . I’m shocked by how little it can take sometimes for things in life to simply unravel , but I’ve done all I can .