Gifts to GC when estranged

I think at least for now you must accept your DS instructions. Sad though it seems. I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

Can you write to your DS when the baby arrives with good wishes and an olive branch?

@Grammaretto

Actually I speak to him once a week and I see him too , not my DIL though . That’s a long story. I would love to see her btw .
I have to be very careful because my AS alleges virtually any type of contact constitutes harassment. As example is that I “ harassed “ my DIL by sending her a bouquet of flowers (??) . So I will have to respect this and I shall . I won’t send a letter , a card or anything that might potentially cause his wife distress, alarm or fear . So that rules out a congratulations card. Every time I speak to him , I ask if he feels ready to talk, properly talk . So the olive branch is offered regularly but not wanted. Sadly I can’t do a thing . If you read any of my posts on the main thread ( I’m quite new) you’ll be pretty shocked at my story I think . We all have terrible sadness happening but I’ve received comments stating how shocked some people are by what has been happening. Sometimes you just can’t do right for doing wrong

It's really sad when that happens.

It's been said before - buy birthday cards for your GS, write them and keep them. Say in them how much you love him despite not being able to spend time with him.

Each birthday and Christmas - or more often if you wish - quietly put into a bank account the money you would have spent on a present. Arrange that he can access this when he's adult and his parents have no say. If you can, try to organise it so that this arrangement doesn't antagonise his parents.

You could also put together a book of photos and stories about your side of the family. Put it with the birthday cards so that he knows you remembered him.

With any luck, circumstances will change long before he grows up.

@Septima
Thank you a lot of good ideas there . I have decided that when the time is right , I will redo my will and disinherit my son in favour of my GS . That way it’s official, so even if my son doesn’t mention my existence, my GS will find that he had a loving nan who was kept away from him . I will also do a letter in this . Yes the idea of the cards particularly appeal to me because I can put them in a nice box etc and make them special. Might not do an account because this could potentially cause issues. I don’t want to give my son or DiL the access to this . With my will , it’s not as if I will have a ton of money to leave , it’s more about making it official so he knows . Isn’t it terrible that we have to have contingency plans in place to ensure our GC know of our existence . I hope it doesn’t come to this but I’ll do it anyway just to cover myself xxx

you sound so bitter and eaten up with resentment towards your son.
have you thought of counselling.
don't waste your life living in with all this negativity.
you need a different outlook.

@Wellbeck

Well , unsurprisingly there wasn’t the space to detail everything that has been happening to lead to this . Actually I don’t see anything I’ve written which points towards bitterness . I love my son very much . My son and his wife have carefully planned and are possibly planning to execute an estrangement of me for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The triggering factor was the sudden death of my partner in January 2023 age 59 who was my son’s stepfather for over 20 years . Things have deteriorated since then . So at a point in my life where I don’t have a partner around any more to share this with , my son has decided I’ve become a burden and has constructed a scenario which justifies removal ( possible removal) of me from his life . I’m sad not bitter . I love him , I don’t hate him , although I don’t like the person who he’s become. After sharing a loving relationship with my AS and DIL I’ve gone from being part of a couple, widowed , possibly losing my AS and DIL and not being allowed contact with a grandson through no fault of my own . I questioned whether under these circumstances it is usual to still give gifts to your GC as this has been banned . I’m hurting terribly but I’m not bitter . I can’t imagine what’s going through their minds to enable them to concoct so much intentional cruelty toward me . As for counselling, why would I need this when it isn’t me metering out this type of cruelty, surely my son needs the intervention . I am trying to find a way forward whereby I’m not completely eradicated from my grandson’s life and the only way to do this seems to be organsising a long term plan for a method of gifting to him which means he will know of my existence. In fact my family are following suit - I don’t see the child then they don’t want to be part of his life either . So by engineering this fall - out , possible estrangement whatever , my son has caused a break up in his family . Surely my grandson will wish to know about the absence of half his family . I dont understand all this but it doesn’t make me resentful.

I think counselling was suggested...not as a punishment or an implication that you are at fault ...but as a way of helping you cope with what sounds like a distressing situation. You can't change the situation but you need means to cope with it.

write your grandchild a letter, full of love and no negatives. Keep it with your will at your solicitors. Remember him in your will, a gift from grandma

In the meantime, move on with your own life, respect your sons wishes and keep a distance

I also believe that counselling is a good way forward, so you can release your resentment, otherwise your whole being will be eaten up by this and life is too short

@karmalady

I do understand why people are suggesting counselling. I have been used to a loving normal family relationship with my AS and DIL up to the point of my partner’s sudden death then to have the rug pulled from underneath me like this has shocked me to the core . I’m devastated. I can’t really add much more than this . When my DH died I expected the continuation of my family not a complete breakdown of it - I have done my absolute best to keep my grief to myself wherever possible. That’s incredibly hard in itself. I moved out of our home to a small flat as the mental pain and memories in the house were killing me . It was rented , so pretty easily done . I find myself very unsettled and unhappy and thought my son would be there with me sharing this sad time . He lost his stepfather too . I’ve tried to support him through this but he won’t discuss it with me so I can’t force him to . I’m devastated to be told no contact with my grandson. Why ? There’s no logical reason for this other than to be vindictive towards me for some unknown reason. My son is harbouring a terrible resentment towards me and won’t tell me what it is - how can I even begin to understand. I realise everyone on here has a sad story to tell , but multiple losses all at the same time have the potential to destroy a person. When that person is your mother I think it’s unforgivable. Put it this way , I know my son inside out and I know this is not making him happy

@karmalady

Yes I will remember my grandson in my will in a loving way although a real life relationship is the right thing to allow . I cannot understand this .

I know you cannot understand but something has happened for your son to be like this. Least said, soonest mended. Put them out of your mind and get on with living your life. They may well come back if you don`t push yourself forward

At the moment, this is taking over your every thought and your life. Don`t let it, move on

It's wrong to send gifts if you've been asked not too, and there's no point as they wont be passed on anyway.

We sent birthday and Christmas cards to our GC for several years following our son's estrangement; we were never told not too and I don't think for one moment, that they were ever passed onto the children.

We always bought 2, one to send and one for their memory box; now we just get them for the memory box which has been left to them in our wills.

@karmalady

Yes you are right this is currently dominating my thoughts . Mind you as it’s new to me , I’m frightened about what the future might bring .

@Sniles yes sadly I know it’s wrong to send gifts after being asked not to , it’s just sad though . You’ve raised a point there that I had not thought of though which is leaving the memory box in your wills . Of course this makes sense x

@karmalady
Oh meant to add yes of course something has happened it’s just that I don’t actually know which is driving me a bit mad . I can’t think what could possibly be so serious to cause this ………

Please do not contact people who do not want to be contacted

Doing so is harassment

As parents your son and DIL have the right to make this choice

Please don't make the situation worse for yourself by disrespecting their choice at this time.

Leaving a memory box for your GC in your will with birthday and Christmas cards you've bought over the years, will at least let them know that even if you never met, you were always thinking about them.

It’s obvious that you don’t understand how counselling works.
Reading between the lines I get the impression that you won’t accept how your son feels, probably interrupting him when he tries to give his point of view?
With a counsellor you will be told to listen to your son without any interruptions from you.
The counsellor will then pick apart what your son has said and hopefully get you to see his side of this misunderstanding that you’ve mentioned.

@petra

You’ve made an awful lot of assumptions there - wow ! How would you surmise I talk over my son - I can’t get a word in edgewise. I’m working really hard to try to understand what has hurt him so much . I’m getting there , slowly. I’m certainly not interrupting him . In any case a 2 way conversation means he needs to listen to me as well doesn’t it ? Yesterday was gruelling. I don’t think any son , no matter what his grievances are , should tell lies and deliver these lies with a load of expletives and abuse . That is not right . He wouldn’t be allowed to do this at work so how come he thinks it’s ok to do this with his mother ?
I do understand how counselling works - only too well thank you .

@smiles yes a memory box is a good way forward. It’s going to be very hard I know , but reaching a level of acceptance will be the start . I find some quite unkind posts on this thread - it’s early days for me and I’m at the stage that’s probably called “ desperation “ . Anyway for the time being my AS hasn’t said he wants no contact in fact he said the opposite, even though he was sullen

Your son not saying he wants to go no contact is a definite positive Ladys but the verbal abuse is not something that anyone should have to put up with.

Communication is the key and as long as you have this, you do have something to work with. Yes, you need to listen and so does he.

@Smiles yes I know - that’s why I’m using the advice from @Madgran !! Lots of pauses so I stay calm . Lots of chances to actively listen . What could possibly go wrong…….

Ladysuisei .

Ladysuisei

@Smiles yes I know - that’s why I’m using the advice from @Madgran !! Lots of pauses so I stay calm . Lots of chances to actively listen . What could possibly go wrong…….

Anything could go wrong LadyS but if you can keep that calmness; listening; acknowledging; demonstrating hearing ...maybe there is less chance of things going wrong.
Afterwards, when he has gone, write down the specifics of his complaints as bullet points

Reflect on the specifics ...self reflection on any nuance of interpretation etc by others; what you would do differently next time etc. What you did wrong or badly ...maybe because of emotion etc ...but still not the best way ..you have already referred to this a bit so clearly you are already reflecting

By doing this you can build up more strategies to use to try to ease the angst and move forward positively.

Do PM me if you think it would be helpful as things move forward. Happy to make suggestions etc