Xmas fallout am I being unreasonable, plans cancelled

Your sister already said she wanted to cancel, so I don’t understand what there is to discuss?

It seems your sister doesn’t want a ‘family’ Christmas this year just accept how she feels and have your own Christmas, no need to fall out about it.

Not sure you are listening to your sister, are you?

I think you do sound unreasonable and self-centered. I think you should ring your sister and ask what you can do to help and support her as she’s having some difficulties.

You were spending Christmas with your sister.
You both weren't feeling up to it so you both agreed to cancel.
You are now feeling better so want to reinstate arrangements.
Sister isn't feeling better and so it remains cancelled.
What's to talk about? Maybe some empathy for your sister.

Marketkat,
I think it’s the art of communication that is at fault here sadly . As your Sister has clearly made her plans clear but via an answerphone message ,rather than speaking to you direct when the a/p picked up ,which is far from ideal as like text ,estates the often get taken the wrong way.
It would have been so much easier for you both if you had ,had a proper conversation. It is sad that she feels she needs to cancel but it seems that she also has ongoing issues which you need to be mindful of .
You can still have the Christmas break with the rest of the family and catch up with her to make your peace with a telephone or face time call during the holidays.

Ok thanks, I hear you.
That’s helpful

Your last sentence says it perfectly when your son was ill and dying she was very supportive and has been since
It just hasn’t worked out this year don’t take it to heart Christmas is so overrated See if she’s up to a get together in the spring (better weather)
Will your brother still be with you ?
I think night time has blown it out of proportion let it ease down say no more have a lovely quiet day with your husband or see if you can help out somewhere for a change that always makes you feel good (we can do different things at Christmas it doesn’t always have to be big dinners and family get togethers )
Anyway have a good one whatever you do in the end

Yes you are being unreasonable.
Your sister has given you a great deal of support through the death of your son and continues to do so; now she is experiencing difficulties and you say:
" I feel her message was saying I don’t care about what others are going through,"
Not very kind of you. Phone her back and discuss it sensibly.

Don’t be difficult towards your sister for heavens sake. Pick up the phone today and have a chat with her. Wish her well for the Christmas period and get on and arrange something special for you and your husband.

You seem to have invited yourself and your husband and difficult disabled brother in the first place. Like your sister I used to have a job that left me completely and utterly exhausted at Christmas, and on top of that your sister isn’t well. She could do with some quiet time rather than entertaining. Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Thank you all. I have indeed spoken to my sister and realised I was being unreasonable. Thank for your honest replies, really useful.

I'm glad you've spoken to your sister Marketkat and hope that you'll be able to enjoy Christmas and be able to see her in the New Year.

Well done marketkat, no need to worry about it any more. Have a nice Christmas whatever you do.

Well done for coming back and owning your unreasonableness
Many wouldn’t admit to being in the wrong so good on you
Have a lovely (if different to your expectations) Christmas and perhaps you can get together when you all feel better

It's always going to hurt when plans get changed so close to Christmas

But this isn't worth a big fallout. You both are having a difficult time and difficult times are not about competition.

I look at it this way:

The worst thing that has happened to someone is their 10. It is the most they have had to cope with and has pushed them to their limit. The scales of 1 to 10 may be objectively different and can move over time but the emotions, frustration and exhaustion can be the same

Plan yourself a wonderful day

Well done marketkat, your sister has her reasons . Have a lovely Christmas ⛄

Well done marketkar, it isn't always easy to see a personal situation clearly. So sorry about your son and l hope you can enjoy Christmas x

Well done marketkat. You’ve taken some rather direct advice on board, digested it and rung your sister.
Enjoy your Christmas, without the long journey, and I hope you manage to spend some time with her soon.

Well done sorting out your dilemma.

Thank you all 🙏

Maybe that is how you have come across to her? Everyone will have their different perceptions of a situation.

I say this in the nicest way possible and with no malice but I note from your comment about her struggles that you immediately reverted to the fact your son passed away so you understand struggles in the world. There's a saying (and forgive me if I get this wrong) "Just because the person next to you is in a full body cast, it doesn't mean your broken arm doesn't hurt"

Maybe she just wants you to be empathetic towards her situation instead of making comparisons with situations you have been through.

Shame you didn’t bother to read the thread Mamasperspective
merketkat has said she has apologised to her sister for being unreasonable

I don’t either of you are being unreasonable, but I do think both of you aren’t coping well and struggling to communicate well.

Hope you sort it, so sorry about your son, Christmas brings with it boy joy and sadness. Good luck x