For the last 8 years Ive helped my DD and SIL out unconditionally. Always been available because I am the only helper they have here. I changed jobs, I moved city, I change my work hours around to fit in with them and annual leave. As a result of my help theyve been able to move home 3 times. Get good jobs. Manage their lives with the granddaughters. All his family live down south and abroad. During this time Ive put up with my daughter verbally lashing out at me on occasion due to the high powered stressful job along with motherhood she does but the other day was the last and final straw.
I try to not get caught up in their rows and keep my opinions to myself. Im not prone to moods and just tootle alone going about my day.
I was asked to look after the granddaughters on a Saturday which I did but they didnt tell me why but thats okay none of my business. On Sunday I got a videocall from the SIL showing me a dog they'd got which they must have gone to see a breeder that Saturday. Considering the stress levels they both complain about doing fulltime jobs, caring for two young daughters aged 4 and 7, which I picked up and droped off at school 2 days a week on my way to and from my own job in a local hospital I inwardly thought this was a mistake. I was unable to show any enthusiasm for their purchase. They know my views on dogs. The next thing I got a text message off the SIL saying you dont have to do anything as per the dog in any way as my mum will look after it if necessary orvwell take it away with us etc when I mind their house and cats when they go away.
Im having therapy at the moment for various reasons to do with a lifetime of abuse.
On the tuesday when I turned up to pick the girls up there was a distinct passive aggressive air from the SIL towards me around the dog.
On the Wednesday when I arrived to pick the girls up the DD and SIL had been up since 4:30am cleaning up dog diarrhoea from all over the livingroom.
Later that afternoon after Id brought them home from school and theyd eaten their tea.
The SIL said to me in the kitchen cant you say anything positive about the dog and laughed.
My little granddaughter went upstairs and came down in a little costume. My SIL went upstairs to carry on with his job after cooking the girls tea and my daughter came downstairs to babysit the dog in the kitchen with her laptop still doing her job. The dog got hold of the hem of my granddaughter's little dress trying to pull her down so I said a firm NO to the dog. My DD roared at me shouting you're not supposed to shout at the dog!!! I said I didnt shout but said a firm NO. My DD just launched into an attack on my mental health shouting have you HAD a diagnosis yet? And to stop using her as a punching bag when I said I cant do right for doing wrong. here?? After more abuse hurled at me I started for the door to get my coat. Thats right she shouted after me in a mocking tone go on run off in a hissy fit like you always do!! All this was in front of the grandchildren. I removed myself from their home for this reason. After all Ive done for them. I never ask for anything for myself.
I got home still enraged and sent a text to the SIL who was oblivious to all this downstairs to say I was withdrawing my services and Im sorry I know this might mean I may never see the girls again (because I felt that I had to absolutely make a stand)and that I am done with the life sentence of recurrent bouts of contempt and hatred I face from both my children ( son stopped speaking to me over 16 years ago) due to past misdemeanours as a young struggling single parent. Yes perhaps not the most sensible thing to do but I was hurt and angry and full of how dare you berate me in front of the grandchildren, attack my mental status and accuse me of being violent. She wouldnt dare do this to her father when he was alive or his parents so why me the one thats helping them. Since then there has been a deafening silence. I have offered the olive branch but again met with silence. I dont know where to go from here I feel I am being seen as the one who is at fault here. Its making me feel so ill. All because I scolded the dog.
Gransnet forums
Estrangement
Hello Fethjiye.
I'm very sorry to read about the predicament you find yourself in.
You were of course right to say 'no' firmly to the puppy. It's important that they learn from a young age what is and is not acceptable, if they don't trouble lies ahead.
It sounds as if a lack of sleep due to cleaning up after the puppy may well have contributed to your D's outburst but even so, she shouldn't have spoken to you that way, especially in front of the children.
I can only assume that your frustration at being subjected to your D's verbal abuse, despite all the support you provide reached boiling point and it is this that led to you withdrawing your "services".
As an estranged parent myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel you had no choice at that moment but to make a stand. Estrangement from one adult child makes us wary of, and to a degree fearful that having lost one adult child, we could lose another.
You reacted out of anger and frustration, just as your D did. You say you've offered a olive branch but so far this has been ignored.
It may be better to give them time to calm down so that hopefully they'll reach a point where they are prepared to have an adult conversation about what's happened, and for you all to explore the underlying issues so that in the future, this can be avoided. 
Smileless2012
Hello Fethjiye.
I'm very sorry to read about the predicament you find yourself in.
You were of course right to say 'no' firmly to the puppy. It's important that they learn from a young age what is and is not acceptable, if they don't trouble lies ahead.
It sounds as if a lack of sleep due to cleaning up after the puppy may well have contributed to your D's outburst but even so, she shouldn't have spoken to you that way, especially in front of the children.
I can only assume that your frustration at being subjected to your D's verbal abuse, despite all the support you provide reached boiling point and it is this that led to you withdrawing your "services".
As an estranged parent myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to feel you had no choice at that moment but to make a stand. Estrangement from one adult child makes us wary of, and to a degree fearful that having lost one adult child, we could lose another.
You reacted out of anger and frustration, just as your D did. You say you've offered a olive branch but so far this has been ignored.
It may be better to give them time to calm down so that hopefully they'll reach a point where they are prepared to have an adult conversation about what's happened, and for you all to explore the underlying issues so that in the future, this can be avoided.
My DD contacted me by rext and said she is prepared to meet with me on Sunday for yes that adult conversation. You are correct in the many things you say here and one tries to be understanding but I felt that her abuse was setting back my therapy not to mention downright rude. Ha ha me having therapy when it should be them. Thank you 🙂
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