Guilt for going no contact

I can't relate because I've no experience of estranging a parent Loveandpositivity but I doubt your on your own about having feelings of guilt. I'd think it's quite normal, especially to begin with and you say you've been estranged for many months, not years.

Are the thoughts you're having based on what your siblings or other family members have said?

If you know that what you've done is the right thing for you, that's what you need to try and focus on and with time the guilt you feel right now will begin to subside.

I'm sure you haven't estranged your parents without good cause so no need to feel guilt.
Your siblings have their opinion but they shouldn't try to interfere and make you feel bad about your decision.
You will have feelings of regret at times but if you know you have done the right thing for you those feelings will fade given time.

Thank you for replies, appreciated. "those feelings will fade given time." Well said! Even at this point they have faded to what they were 2 months ago, so yes more time more fading. Thank you again, I guess today was a wave of guilt for me to deal with, it will pass. Replies have helped!

I have lost both my parents but, even though we had our differences, I would give anything for one more day with them. Be kind GNetters.

Is there someone you can talk this through with? Counselling?
It’s a big decision and you must have your reasons, but you seem to be having doubts/wondering if you are right.
I do understand as I stopped all contact with one parent and had pressure from a sibling, but always knew it was the only thing I could do.

Only you know the reason for going no contact. Only you know if what they’ve done is unforgivable but I would ask, thinking back over the years have they been there for you, shown you kindness and love, done things for you?
Are you angry with them? If so I suggest you try and put the anger aside as that clouds judgement. In a rational mind do you have good reason for what you’re doing?
Im blessed by my family and I know I would be devastated beyond belief if I were to lose any of them. I have loved them all. Is what they’ve done really so bad? Is there no way back?
Only you know if you can forgive them .

Good post, Doodle. Will you come to regret this decision when they pass away, or if they develop dementia and you can no longer talk with them (as opposed to talking to them)? Only you know the answer.

I forgive them and I have compassion for them. It is done from a distance.
If they would listen to me and TRY to understand my hurt in the things they say that I have repeatedly asked them not to because I find them hurtful, then I could have a relationship with them. When I ask them , or rather did as I am NC with them now, not to say or do a certain thing as I find it hurtful, I am met with " you're so sensitive, can't say anything to you, you're so difficult" etc etc. If I could be heard today and these behaviours could stop, whatever they have done/said in the past I could drop just like that. But this 'hurtful' behaviour continues and it affects my mental and emotional health very much so.
Its a horribly sad situation for all involved. Its the consequences of a very emotionally abusive family dynamic, no one comes out with our wounds and scars. Very very sad. thank you for replies.

I dont know if I will regret it after they pass is the most honest answer I can give right now

Doodle

Only you know the reason for going no contact. Only you know if what they’ve done is unforgivable but I would ask, thinking back over the years have they been there for you, shown you kindness and love, done things for you?
Are you angry with them? If so I suggest you try and put the anger aside as that clouds judgement. In a rational mind do you have good reason for what you’re doing?
Im blessed by my family and I know I would be devastated beyond belief if I were to lose any of them. I have loved them all. Is what they’ve done really so bad? Is there no way back?
Only you know if you can forgive them .

Abusers aren’t evil 24/7/365. Love bombing is an extremely well used tactic, and even the most abusive of families have periods of calm, where the child (be an actual child or adult) starts thinking, “Is this it? Am I really getting the mother/father/family I always wanted?” and then things slide into the abuse again.

Step back a moment and ask yourself, “If this were an abused woman, would I be saying this to her about her spouse?”

People rarely encourage an abused wife to consider the good times, to put aside her anger, to consider reconciliation. Why is it that abused children are pressured to do so with their parents?

OP, your siblings push because of a few reasons. One, without you around, they’re likely dealing with being the new target, or at the very least, are tired of listening to your parents rant about you. It’s selfish on their part, wanting their lives to go back to normal. Or, they simply had a very different experience than you did, and refuse to acknowledge that. My siblings were treated much better by our parents, both as children and adults. They never experienced the physical abuse that I did, and that’s at least in part because I went to the police when I left home. I know this because I was told, flat out, that they knew my youngest sibling would call the police too. (They were angry and resentful because I’d put the idea in their head by my actions. Again, I was told this, although with a lot more cursing).

You have the right to a life free of abuse. You don’t EVER have to accept that, ever again.

Parlorgames you obviously had a good relationship with your parents. Not everyone does. I dislike this 'be kind' message to people where you don't know the background. The OP feels bad enough. Stop trying to make things worse.

I don’t know what issues you have with your parents. I can only tell you that when my parents died suddenly within weeks of one another it was devastating. I’m glad that they knew I loved them and nothing was left unsaid. I would urge you to put that thought on the scales with your mental health.

This is not your guilt to carry, it is the guilt they should be feeling.

What keeps many abuse victims in relationships with abusers for a long time is love. It is feeling that if we can just be better, we can fix them, it is knowing what a loving relationship with a parent should be and desperately wanting that because it is not a relationship you can replace.

That idea of a good parent sticks around and when we finally walk away, what we feel guilt for is that idea, the good parent we needed and all the things we would have done for them out of love

Let yourself grieve the relationship you needed but remember the relationship you actually had.

Doodle

Only you know the reason for going no contact. Only you know if what they’ve done is unforgivable but I would ask, thinking back over the years have they been there for you, shown you kindness and love, done things for you?
Are you angry with them? If so I suggest you try and put the anger aside as that clouds judgement. In a rational mind do you have good reason for what you’re doing?
Im blessed by my family and I know I would be devastated beyond belief if I were to lose any of them. I have loved them all. Is what they’ve done really so bad? Is there no way back?
Only you know if you can forgive them .

This.

Absolutely sums it up.

That's not great advice with a person who describes abuse

The abuse cycle always comes with love bombing and episodes of trying to stop an abuse victim pulling away

For people who have been stuck in the cycle of abuse, it is important to remember that the real person is the one hurting you on purpose, not the one who is trying to stop you leaving

Give it time.

You are not alone

No, never alone

No one can advise, only you know about the way they made you feel. With time you will get used to it. They have your sisters and their families who don’t feel the same , so they will cope.

All I can say is you need to be certain, you have to be 100% sure you are comfortable with your decision.
My husband asked me how I would feel if my mother died, could I live with that? Would I wish I could go back and change things?
The answer was yes, I was certain, and no, I would never want to turn the clock back that was twenty years ago, she is still alive, and I’m still of the same opinion.
I don’t know your circumstances, so I don’t know if it’s been a long time brewing, and if so, what was the final straw, but if you feel a lot of guilt, I’m not sure it’s the right decision, and that’s for your sake, not theirs.

Thank you for replies, it is very appreciated. It is good to hear different perspectives too. I believe I feel guilt because of the narrative "they are your parents, you can't turn your back on your parents" etc etc. This is a STRONG narrative in my culture particularly , although I know it is a strong belief in general too, cross culturally. I KNOW that if they were anyone else i.e. not my parents, I would feel NO GUILT. Their abusive behaviour has been witnessed throughout their marriage towards each other infront of all 3 of their children growing up. As much older ppl now, they continue to be abusive towards each other , less physical now due to how old they are, just as emotional and verbal. Their chronic manipulations/gaslighting/belittling/invalidating and criticisms continue towards all family members including their children. It's so incredibly hurtful to me. I KNOW this behaviour shows up in time , even if there is a small space of clam in between. It is their habit and it is their learnt behaviour. Once again, I really do appreciate peoples comments. I will ponder on them. Best wishes to you all

I have no doubt you feel justified in being estranged from your parents and I don't doubt your reasons.
However.......... please consider how the death of your parents will impact your emotional health. After the event it will be too late to protect yourself. Please consider yourself and think about your future mental health. You owe yourself peace of mind after your parents have died and if that means ' repairing' the damage then you should do that. Who knows it may help you prior to their deaths but will most certainly help you after they die. Think about it !

It sound a very toxic family, you matter and want to break that cycle However horrible they are to each other and you, I think you are feeling guilt because as part of a family we are supposed to get along whatever . Would you want a child of yours treated as you were? Of course not. It must take a lot if courage. A parents have a responsibility to their children, to look after them physically and mentally. Try to get strong and believe in yourself.

This is not your guilt to carry, it is the guilt they should be feeling violetsky nothing in life is that simple there’s is normally faults on both sides
I had a very very good relationship with my parents however after they died within 6 months of each other, I have constantly tortured myself with ‘ why didn’t I do that’ ‘ why did I say that’ ‘how could I have missed that’ it will be 100 fold for you

We ve no idea what went on in your life but all I ll say is be very careful when you say ‘never’
Forgiveness if possible (even at a small level) is healing for all

I would listen to your feelings of guilt.
Estrangement is a hurtful thing, and when your parents are beyond your reach the guilt will remain.
You do not have to agree with them, nor they you, but to cut them off completely is cruel and I think you are unhappy about it.
Listen to yourself. Guilt lasts a long time.