Drug abuse

Your son is an addict by your own words and you cannot expect him to be rational. You’ve done what you needed to do for your own peace of mind. Its not easy dealing with an addict family member but he is in the grip of something and his behaviour is all directed to allow him to continue his way of life. Perhaps one day he will wake up to how he’s behaved and get help. I wish you well and some peace.

Undoubtedly Socksandsocks. Weed which many think of as a recreational drug can result in paranoia when used on a regular basis.

You did what any mother would have done, thought about the safety of your other adult child when deciding whether or not to allow your son to move back in.

There isn't a perfect parent anywhere in the world and there never has been. Addiction is a terrible thing and only the addict can do something about it; accept they have an addiction and ask for help.

I hope one day your son will do both and you'll be able to rebuild your relationship .

If he's an addict, there probably won't be much positive until/if he stops taking drugs.

All you can do is to get on with life, let him get on with it, and hope that, one day, he will make sensible life choices.

Best wishes.

Thank you everyone. Of course you are right. I couldn't see it I kept blaming myself. Thank you x

If he is a drug addict, that controls his every move, they will do and say anything to feed their habit. It is not you that made him take drugs. Until he makes the effort to stop, no one or anything will persuade him otherwise, the only thing you can do is tell him, “you love him but not his lifestyle, you can’t risk him in your home until he’s clean.” It’s the only way, concentrate on those that are close to you or you will be sucked down into a place you don’t want to be. I am so sorry this has happened to him but it’s so rife now and easily available and they get drawn into that world,

Socks you have done everything you can. I don't know about drug addiction. But mom's youngest brother my uncle was an alcoholic. His wife left him and took the children as she feared for their safety. He was always getting money out of my nan for drink. One day my nan said no and he went to hit her. The look of horror on my nans face made him realise he was far gone. And went started to his GP to ask for help.

He went into a drink and drink hospital to dry out. This was back in the early 80's . He never drank again . My nan forgave him and insisted his siblings did to . He volunteered at the hospital as it was his way to pay back for them giving him his life back.

His daughter was 18 when she decided she wanted to see her dad . And shortly after his son did to he was 23. They rekindled a good relationship . But my uncle died when he was 62 due to lung and liver cancer.

He always said with an addict whether drink or drugs you can't help them until they want to help themselves.

You are a good mom you protected your other children . There is nothing you can do if your son won't help himself.?

Drink and drug.

Thank you everyone. I'm grateful for your responses xx

Anybody taking drugs gets their mind altered

"I rarely socialised I stayed at home with my kids"
That was not a healthy decision, sorry to say

Why wasn't it a healthy decision?

Socialization is a key skill for a family

Yes it is and there's absolutely nothing to suggest that when a mother doesn't socialise herself choosing to spend most of her time at home with her children, that those children's socialisation suffers.

What does this have to do with the OP's son addiction?

Do you have an organization like Al-anon in the UK?

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://al-anon.org/&ved=2ahUKEwj9_oiCl7L4AhVSDEQIHbPMDUYQFnoECAcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0p6hGQImAOTrINs1Smxp-E

Not socialising myself meant more money available to spend on shoes and ßchool uniforms. Treats for them. Day trips with schools. Xmas presents. All takes money. Socialising costs money. Kids socialised I didn't. It wasn't there fault I was divorced I didn't want their welfare to suffer.

I get it socks. I would say I didn't socialise much because I didn't have much time without children and no help. However I really socialised all the time. We were always visiting people and going out, it just wasn't personal child free socialisation with only my own wants in mind.

There's lots of assumptions here about addiction - because his wife said he 'took cocaine and other drugs' - as many people do. It may well have influenced his behaviour, though, at the time. Perhaps he felt rejected when he needed your understanding.

He's now moved away but we can't expect them to stay nearby for ever, anyway. If he doesn't want to stay in touch, just get on with your own life.

Personally I would want to explore why my child was having difficulty in relationships, especially parent, sibling and partner relationships. I would also want to explore why they became dependent on drugs.

This could have roots in childhood, children go through many important developmental stages right from birth that can lead to lifelong issues. It isn't necessarily the parents fault, things like depression, anxiety, PND, divorce, lack of socialisation, difficult or volitile relationships around them can all impact on a childs development and can impact children very differently depending on their stage of development even children in the same household.

So I would want to explore that with my child, as a family if possible and preferably under the direction of a professional.

These feelings your son has towards you have come from somewhere and even if that is not related to childhood lr anytjing you have done wrong, they will need to be heard amd accepted to start to move forward.

Hope you find a way forward together

You clearly prioritised your children's social lives over your own Sockandsocks and as you say, socialising costs money.

As you've said in your OP, he needs to take responsibility for his choices and when there are no addiction issues, EP's are almost always accused of being bad parents who didn't and don't care.

If there were things in his life that he was troubled by then they should have been talked about. If we don't know what's wrong then how are we supposed to put it right?

There's nothing you can do but get on with your own life, just as he's getting on with his. It must be a constant worry, knowing that he has this addiction but until he accepts that the problem is his and seeks help, nothing will change .

Your son is an adult, and must take responsibility for his own life choices.

As parents, we are, sometimes, quick to think it must be "our fault", but people take drugs for all sorts of reasons, and they must live with the results.

If he wants counselling/treatment, then he must seek it.

There are no perfect parents, but we do, usually, the best we can.

There are no perfect children either, even if they think they are..?

I wouldn't have a junkie in my house either, related or not, because it's all about the next fix.

So, I would press on with your life, and hope that he realises he will trash his life unless he changes.?

Your son is an adult, and must take responsibility for his own life choices.

Absolutely 100% this. Don't ever let anyone tell you that someone else's drug abuse is your problem to sort out sockandsocks; it isn't. Your son chose to dabble in drugs, the consequences of doing so are well documented and yet he continued to do so. It isn't yours, or his wife's, or his siblings responsibility to "explore the reasons for his dependency;" that is responsibility displacement; shifting the responsibility onto someone else does the addict no favours whatsoever. Your son is the only one that can do anything about his drug use; his acknowledgement that he has a problem and wants to do something about it is the first step. And only he can take it. You have nothing to berate yourself for.

Impossible to explore an AC's drug dependency when they've estranged you and there's no contact and communication.

I didnt think of that. So yes we visited friends. relatives etc. I meant I didn't go out drinking at weekends. So kids did mix in with my family and friends they fathers aunts uncles and cousins. I sacrificed like we all do.

I thought it was obvious what you meant Socks.

Socksandsocks01

I didnt think of that. So yes we visited friends. relatives etc. I meant I didn't go out drinking at weekends. So kids did mix in with my family and friends they fathers aunts uncles and cousins. I sacrificed like we all do.

Most of us didn't have the time/money/both to go out to pubs at weekends.

And, I certainly wasn't taken to pubs, as a child.

For many adults, if we reflect back on our childhoods and parents, some things about them and/or our lives that weren't perfect or could have been better.

Our kids do the same, no doubt.

But, the vast majority get on with life, as adults, without making excuses for making a mess of things. That's what being an adult involves - making choices, and, hopefully, doing things well.

Don't beat yourself up - you did your best.?