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Doing the right thing for my daughter at Christmas

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AloraFlora Wed 03-Jan-24 12:42:27

I have three grown up children, two of whom live abroad and only my daughter lives in the UK about 60 miles from me. Ii’ve been divorced for years and live on my own. I have hobbies but don’t have friends or family. Christmas for solos can be lonely so I’m grateful for my daughter.

Christmas has been hard for my children as I don’t get along with their father (he left us when our children were tiny, divorced me and married the woman he’d been having a long term affair with).

I see my daughter about 3 times a year as she has a high powered job. She’s getting married so I’m seeing her then and for her birthday before then. I generally travel up by public transport to see her. She last came to see me two years ago.

The last couple of Christmas’s I’ve either gone to my daughter’s, stayed over and travelled back Boxing Day or this year travelled to my daughter’s future mother in law’s stated and come back Boxing Day. My daughter sees her father and his family on Boxing Day.

I know this sounds awful and ungrateful but my daughter’s in laws are a nightmare! I’m quite introverted. The last couple of Christmas’s tend to be dominated by my daughter’s future in laws. My daughter and me just sit in silence while they all talk over each other. My daughter doesn’t talk to me much as she seems distracted most of the time.

I beginning to realise that this is how it will be for future Christmas’s. I know it’s quite a distance for her and her fiancée to come and see me. I love my daughter very much and appreciate how much she tries to include me. I just find this Christmas’s with her family incredibly lonely as they don’t show any interest me and don’t listen if I talk.

I’ve been mulling over to deal with this without hurting daughter’s feelings. I’ve thought about booking a few days away and tell her when she mentions Christmas next year. I don’t want to be a burden to her but on the other hand I feel that the in laws and her father are sitting in their homes and being visited.

I’m travelling to see her for her birthday and staying two nights in a hotel for her wedding.

I could invite her to see me but she has her in laws and her father to consider. I just can’t face spending Christmas with my ex husband and his family.

I don’t know how to approach without damaging my relationship with my daughter and future son in law.

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Baggs Wed 03-Jan-24 12:46:47

I think your idea of going away somewhere for a few days by yourself is a good one. You avoid what you don't like that way and you could 'sell' it to your daughter as you branching out on something new, just as she is doing by getting married.

Good luck anyway.

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Iam64 Wed 03-Jan-24 12:49:37

Good comment from Baggs

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sweetcakes Wed 03-Jan-24 13:00:51

I think going away for Christmas is a great idea you might even find like minded people and have fun. Do your research and have a good think about it.

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Casdon Wed 03-Jan-24 13:07:33

Why not go to one of your other two children for Christmas, that would be a solution both you and your daughter would see as an alternative which is as good as you going to her, and your other children would be pleased to have you for Christmas for a change?

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AloraFlora Wed 03-Jan-24 13:20:27

Thank you for your comments it’s helped me with a way forward.

I don’t think my other two children would offer for me to stay with them as they live the other side of the world. It’s never been mentioned about me coming to see them.

My daughter’s in laws are lovely people but I suspect they would prefer it if I wasn’t there! I think my daughter would be relieved too….

Sad, but true.

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Oopsadaisy1 Wed 03-Jan-24 13:25:12

Why not say to your daughter that you are thinking of going away next year, unless she was planning to come to you? You never know, she might not be looking forward to a Christmas with her in-laws ( I’m not sure why you think she has to consider them)
On the whole though I think a Christmas holiday would be good for you, you could always save up and go to one of your other daughters?

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biglouis Wed 03-Jan-24 13:31:34

I think going away for a few days is an excellent idea. It does not have to be as extreme as going to a non-christian country where you can forget about the time of year. It leaves you free to do your own thing in your own space.

My hatred of christmas and the entire family thing was so intense that I began to go to places where it was not celebrated - think Morocco, Egypt, Nepal etc. It got me away from the family scene and meant that no one rang and pestered me - no mobile phones in those days.

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Grammaretto Wed 03-Jan-24 13:35:04

I agree. The best possible reason to try Christmas away.
Surely your DD will understand. It sounds like it's been an ordeal for her but without you to consider, she may be more relaxed with those others.
Good luck whatever you decide.

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AloraFlora Wed 03-Jan-24 14:56:17

Thank you for your advice and thoughts - really helped to put things in perspective.

I will go away this Christmas…probably the best decision I’ll make this year.

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