How to decide about a care home?

This is a hard one. There is no good time to go into a care home. My dad said to me one day that they weren’t managing and would I find them a home. I looked around many before I found the one which I thought was most suited to them.
It is up to your friend to decide with her father.

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

Thank you both. I'm asking on behalf of my friend because she always turns to me for advice and of course in this case I don't have any. I will value any information coming this way.

It wouldn’t hurt for them to go and look at what’s available, just in case it becomes urgent that he needs to go into a home. Then they can see what their priorities will be and also the costs involved and how they will pay for it.
MIL had vascular dementia and went downhill very quickly, the family were able to cope, but on her last hospital admission the Doctors said that they would only release her into a care home as she was unsafe at home, she should have gone into a home months earlier but my SIL was adamant that she would go and do everything each day, which was silly as it made her ill as well.

My friend and her sister looked at all the homes in our area (with their father) before getting a live-in carer and they didn't like any of them except for the newest which he said felt like a hotel, which is why they went for a live-in carer. The sister is suffering from anxiety and my friend just doesn't know which way to turn.

I agree , perhaps it is time for your friend to visit a few nursing homes,that way if / when the time comes they will not feel rushed to find an appropriate home. Your friend needs to visit and get a ' feel' for these care homes. It is not always a case of how they look - a well furnished , spotless and beautifully appointed home may not necessarily provide the best care. She must feel welcome and comfortable when she visits. Watch the staff carefully and look for genuine empathy, kindness and respect towards residents. It is a minefield! but with attention to detail it can be done. Also if this gentleman goes into care and your friend is not happy with the home then not to hesitate to move him . We moved our Mum three times!! and eventually found a home that really cared although it was a bit dusty!! On each occasion we were advised not to move her ( too traumatic apparently!)
At one home I questioned why my mum was wearing pads and was told " well you know she is incontinent" She had just left our home been with us 4 years and I knew she was not incontinent! I reminded them that we would all be incontinent if we were unable to get to the toilet under our own steam . They were too lazy to take her and assist her in her toileting. Lots of incidents like this in many care homes. The home we found was headed by a compassionate person and that attitude filtered down to all staff from nurses , care assistants , and domestic staff. A culture of real care is vital! They regularly took Mum to the toilet - no more pads!!! Ask your friend to be vigilant and do her research in good time . I wish her luck.

I think in some ways it is a bit easier for children of a parent with dementia to make the decision that they should go into a carehome, but harder for a spouse or someone who actually lives in the same house. My friend’s husband who has dementia is getting very difficult to care for, and she is getting really low and run down and admitted to me she had felt suicidal recently. Yet society and family expect the spouse to cope far too long without help, and of course they do out of love and duty. It is so hard.

Cabbie absolutely correct, spouses are usually elderly themselves, however it is so painful to admit that you can’t do it anymore.
I think too that the costs involved are so scary, that they really can’t see how they can afford over £1000 per week.

I also have a friend whose husband has vascular dementia, I found the Alzeimer society web site very useful. This is the care home link, you might find it useful.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/care-homes-who-decides-when

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I found the decision to let my H go into care extremely hard.
He had Alzheimer’s and was physically very unable after a stroke.
I had very little help with him and I was feeling trapped with a man I hardy knew and unable to leave the house.
I eventually got him in a care home one day a week 9.30am to 5pm.
Some days I went home and slept.
One morning I got up and his bed was empty, the police were called and although he could hardly walk at home he had gone to the local newsagent for his newspaper in pyjamas and dressing gown.
The police brought him home, came in for a chat and suggested that it was all far too much for me as I was 81, my H 82.
I asked for a place at the care home where he went for respite and a place became available in a few weeks.
The week before he went was one of the worst weeks of my life.
The guilt was overwhelming, however I stuck to it.
Less than a month later he was diagnosed with cancer and died four months later after a month in hospital.
Again the guilt was awful and had I known I would have kept him at home with paid help for his last weeks.
It took me a long time physically to recover some of my strength.
Your friend will come to realise she can no longer cope, that will be the time to make the decision.

This is all so so heartbreaking for everyone x. There is certainly no right and no wrong and whichever path you choose, it is not done with ease. I understand what each of you is going through. I looked after my mum, i gave up my job as a carer to do so, i was in a position to stand firm that my mum was not going in a home, but I had to have carers going into her home too, to help me and even then I daily 'beat myself up' that I wasn't there 24/7, despite the fact I was doing everything humanly possible ( I have no brothers or sisters )

Its such a heartbreaking time and like I say there is no right or wrong, we have to look after ourselves as well as looking after our loved ones, we have to find it in ourselves to be kind to ourselves, its not selfish, its sensible, its necessary in order to be able to carry on and be strong.

At the end of the day, if we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say "No regrets" then we can continue in life with our heads held up knowing we did everything humanly possible.

❤

Oops similar with my Mum, vascular dementia, another hospital visit for dehydration, she would only be released into a care home. We’d already done the research on homes, with the local mental care nurse tipping us off to her recommendation.
Mizuna are adult social services involved? Although busy, they were helpful to us with logistics.

Thank you so much, all of you. Some heart-breaking stories. It seems like my friend's situation is escalating. Last night her dad got dressed in the middle of the night and sat talking to 'friends who came to visit.' This morning the carer has asked my friend to phone the GP. Incidentally, re the cost of a care home, this situation is costing £1,400 a week, so they will be well prepared for the costs.

Jaxjacky, I don't know but I suspect they soon may be...

To me, having been through it all twice, the time for a care home is any or all of,
a) when the person is no longer safe to be left alone at all,
b) when family/other carers can no longer manage,
c) when 24/7 care and supervision are now needed - by which I mean all day, all night, 365 days a year.

Sending all best wishes, Mizuna - I know all too well what a worrying time it is.

Thank you muchly Witzend.

Fleurpepper

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I understand where you are coming from.

My mum looked after our stepdad at home, it was horrendous for all of us. He didn’t believe anything we said, he was verbally abusive and prone to outburst of anger, he was having mini strokes which made his vascular dementia worse each time.

He was admitted to hospital via A & E after a fall and the medical team decided he needed to be discharged to a home, and not able to go home to Mum.

We found a home, close to the sea, he could see it from his room (he loved the sea & beach all his life) it was probably the shabbiest one we looked at, but the management and staff came across as caring.

He was there for just under two years, the staff were outstanding and so very patient with him and the other residents.

I would urge anyone looking for a home, to research, speak to other residents families if possible, Google away, and do not be swayed just because the home looks nice as it’s the staff that’s important.

My friend kept her dh home for as long as she could. Several times he went missing and the police were really good at finding him and bringing him home. After that she stayed home most of the time and didn’t leave him on his own. Sadly he became more difficult, wouldn’t let anyone dress him, and became impossible to manage so much so that he was sectioned and sent to a mental unit 300 miles away. Fortunately he was moved to a geriatric unit close to home and then she managed to get him into the dementia unit of a nearby private nursing home where he was very well treated. She visited every single day and helped him eat his lunch and said he was always smiling and happy. He gradually deteriorated physically and passed away.

Fleurpepper

kittylester

I think a chat to his gp or memory clinic is a good idea - he could need a nedication tweak.

A nursing home is not any more likely to be able to get him to drink - in fact he might slip through the net.

I hope this won't upset or shock anyone. But my mother wanted to 'slip through the net', and I think if I ever get dementia or Alzheimers, so would I. Would that really be a bad thing? I would not wish to be kept going through all the indignities of the above for a long time.

Again, apologies if some find this shocking. This is how I sincerely think about this. And I would not wish my OH's and my children's lives to be so strongly affected for year to come.

I feel the same, Fleurpepper. I don't actually want to live to be dependent on others for almost everything.

A really good question to ask any care home that takes residents with dementia is what type of behaviour would they not be able to cope with. Some say they are dementia specialists but they only mean for people at the early stages who are not going to disturb the other residents, gets violent towards carers who are helping them etc.

This was important to me when my mum went into a home as I did not want the worry that one day I would have to move her at short notice. Even when my mum got very difficult and it needed 4 carers to get her showered or dressed in the morning and she threw her food around, her home still welcomed her with compassion and coped with her moods.

Thanks everyone for your very helpful responses.

I feel exactly the same Fleurpepper and Baggs.

I can only agree with this, I dread being a burden.