I just want to have a moan as feeling sorry for myself, but also permanently guilty and wonder if others feel the same at times. My husband has respiratory problems and has deteriorated quite a lot in last couple of years ,which of course coincided with lockdown We moved back 20 years ago from England to Nortern Ireland, where I come from but I've realised since covid that I had more friends where we used to live than here because they've nearly all dropped away here. We live in an old ,shabby, awkward house, which everyone tells me is full of character, but is totally unsuitable now my husband's health is failing but he won't consider moving. In fact he won't discuss any plans for the future. We have a big garden which he can't do any more and we have difficulty getting help but he still insists on getting vegetables planted. He's reluctant to get people in to do repairs and keeps saying that he'll do them,' when I'm a bit better' . Simple fact is he's not going to get any better and his condition is deteriorating. I don't have a problem caring for him but all the other maintenance jobs, and watching house fall into disrepair is overwhelming me. I really worry about how I'll cope with it all when he dies but, if anything should happen to me before him, he'd be even worse off. When my husband was well he was kind and considerate, but never businesslike- a bit of an absent minded academic, but now I feel he's quite selfish. I was a nurse so know that illness can do this to people but I am hurt that he refuses to make plans for the future and refuses to discuss anything. I know impatient and irritable at times but it's so hard to be a saint! I'm particularly down tonight as the washing machine flooded thanks to a blocked drain. I wasn't allowed to call the plumber and I've spent two days trying to clear the drain, mop up the flood and even move the washing machine on my own. Our children all live in GB so can only come over every few months. They are busy with work and families so hard for them. We have wonderful neighbours nearby but obviously don't want to abuse their kindness. Not once since my husband became unwell has the GP asked how I am. I haven't been to one for about 3 years so don't bother them. Sometimes I'm so fed up I want to run away but I can't even get away for a few days anymore. I used to love going to visit the family but just not possible these days. I feel guilty moaning when I think of how people are suffering in Ukraine or Afghanistan but just want a moan. I'm really very unhappy at the moment and just exhausted. Any other carers feel like this?
Passports not in the drawer I always keep them in. Turning the place upside down.