The (too) long goodbye

Sorry to hear of all the troubles you have had with your mum, Wavesurfer. Although my mother was lucky and was able to live independently until a few weeks before she died, I can sympathise and understand that you wish your mother's suffering would end.

My father in law lingered for some years after a stroke and had no quality of life, but seemed unable to give up. He lived in another country with one of his daughters and her family, with carers coming in. He was a difficult man, rude to his daughter and carers. When we were visiting once, my sil confided in me "I wish he'd die".

So don't feel guilty if you feel like that sometimes - you've obviously done a lot for your mum, and she won't last forever! Meanwhile, look after yourself.

Wavesurfer I do know how you feel I am going through a very similar thing I won't go into details as I am pretty sure one of my siblings who does nothing to help or support me reads this forum. So just sending you a BIG HUG

Hugs from here too... I know what a relief it was in the end - I was emotionally and physically exhausted after a fraction of your time (and with kind and loving parents too).

What a long time you’ve been managing chronic stress and emotional pressure. My parents needed support over a ten year period, it was exhausting but also positive in many ways. Our relationships were more straightforward than the one you describe
I hope you find time to look after yourself

It’s time to look after yourself now I hope you do that and take care.

Wavesurfer - you must be utterly drained. I have family members going through something like this and I understand when they are short tempered and strained. Sending you best wishes and a definite agreement with others who tell you to take care of yourself. Just occasionally, turn off the phone and take a long bath, or a walk on the beach and coffee out, or whatever..
you need it and you are worth it ( say this to yourself several times during the activity )
Good luck.

No wonder you’re exhausted, and wanting it to end, Wavesurfer. Please don’t feel remotely guilty if you feel only relief when it finally does.

My mother had dementia from her very early 80s until she finally died at 97, having by then had fully advanced dementia for some years - doubly incontinent, not knowing any of her family, etc.
As a family we could only really feel relief that she was finally released from such a pitiful and undignified existence - which would have utterly appalled her former self.

Wavesurfer yes I think there are many like you, but like OP has said we have to be careful how much information we post on here as we don't know who may read it.

I am in a similar position but not for as long (yet)!

I wrote a long post but then deleted it as it would identify me.
Yesterday I had a melt down because of a comment my dad made so much that I am not going again this week, and no I don't feel guilty.

I looked after my Dad for the last year of his life apart from personal care I did most everything
Luckily he was a lovely gentle man and so greatful for all I did.
Please don’t feel guilty, it’s a huge job on top of your own life. As others have said, accept any help and treat yourself now and then.
I loved Dad very much but when he died it was a relief to realise that I didn’t have to worry about him any more.

Wavesurfer My late mother was an abusive narcissist.
I lived away but returned to my home City for her last few years.
I was her only living child, my golden child brother died a couple of years after I moved back.

In her last 3 years she put me through hell, she deteriorated very quickly and had no power of attorney in place, to cut a long story short I had final demands arriving for £36,000+ as I had had to find a home for her, the local Council had supposedly put a deferred payment scheme in place but forgot!

It took me 9 months to get deputyship so I could finally get her house sold and affairs in order.

In all this time I was working, spending many days and nights in A&E then her home closed down and so it goes on.

In that time I never relaxed, holidays were spent wondering if I would be on the next plane home, every time my phone buzzed I had a lump in my throat, it was a grim time.

One June day during Covid, I had decided to have an indulgent day, I was in a bath with a clay face pack on when the call came through, in just a few short minutes I was in my car and away to the home (I later realised with bits of clay still on my face).
It took me 15 minutes to get into the home and on with PPE etc, I was seconds too late.

Today the relief I feel is incredible, I think God for every day I have alive without her.

Take solace in the fact you have siblings and don’t feel guilt about your feelings, I wish I had had a Mother who I wanted to keep alive but I didn’t and that was her fault not mine.

The way you feel is totally natural.

I hope this thread helps you gain some perspective.

💐

There is a forum on mumsnet called elderly parents. I occasionally dip in to get my own aging into perspective. It might be worth you having a look there OP. They have a Cockroach Cafe for people in your position. Old age is on occasions absolute horror. There are also good moments.

Thanking each and everyone of you for such heartfelt support and some great advice and suggestions. When I first read them I was to emotional to respond. I must have just needed to cry/release. So it did the business and I have the strength for the next phase. Just have to keep remembering that it will build up and feel unbearable but then this also changes. Thank you agiain. Great forum ! XX

Cancer took my mum over a 2 year period but she had a good quality of life until the last 4 weeks spent dying in a hospice. I'd rather that than the dementia taking my dad now. It's pitiful to lose bits of him day by day and in his brief lucid moments he begs me not to put him in a home and says he wants to die. I worked in healthcare most of my working life and I still wasn't prepared for the toll it takes. I genuinely sympathise with you and wish you everything you would wish for yourself 💐

I do understand the mind numbing exhaustion. My mother was dying for six years and we’re in different parts of the country. One sibling relationship became especially problematic during this period and that just about finished me off emotionally. In the last weeks of her life I left my home and family to care for mum (she was a five hour drive away) and all but one of my siblings really appreciated my efforts, but my own health has been severely affected. My relationship with my mother was never an easy one, but I’m glad I was able to put that aside and care for her at the end.

For you: 💐💐

I can relate to your situation grannyactivist very much so it’s sad that family members become alienated from each other.

My family situation has deeply affected me and it cannot ever be repaired. That’s precisely why I reiterate to Wavesurfer it’s time to look after yourself now.

Hi there, my lovely Mum passed away quite unexpectedly in April 2023 from stage 4 cancer that had spread, which none of us knew about; Mum included. It was a massive shock. I’m still struggling with her not being here; I was lucky, we were really close and did so much together - she’s left a huge hole in my life tbh, which I’m finding challenging to fill. Ironically, I’ve also recently retired, which seems to compound my grief. Having said all that, my first grandchild was born innNov 2023 (it would have been her second great grandchild), so it’s been great to have someone else to focus on (albeit via knitting needles, as I don’t wish to be seen as an OTT new grandmother to my DS and his lovely fiancée), and have spent oodles on proposed new hobbies, which I’ve yet to start. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m taking one step at a time, one day at a time - complete with its ups and downs - trying to adjust to my “new” way of life, my new focuses and, I guess, my freedom. It’s a very very strange/sad/liberating feeling knowing that I’m not “needed” by anyone, other than DH and an equally elderly pooch…

I thought I'd wandered over to Mumsnet by mistake when I saw this thread.

A reminder to self to wander off into the wilderness with a bottle of pills and a packet of sleeping tablets last I dare become a burden to my children.

Such a lot of resentment, such a lack of love and care on this thread.
😥

Bottle of whisky.

Perhaps it's time to go now. ☹

My father died when I was in my teens,my mother just before her 70 th birthday. My fil again before retiring ,mil in her 80s but caused my sil a lot of problems. We were long distance and tried to help but mostly rejected. Sometimes those who should merit our love throw it back in our faces and make it hard to love them. Not so much resentment as bewilderment surely. I’m trying very hard to declutter finances and future proof our home. It is not all one way.