AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

You just need to say that you can't manage to do it because of the recent surgery.
But perhaps they thought that it was you who would want to continue.

I think it’s pretty normal for an older child to continue going to nursery when a baby arrives on the scene. Many children like the routine and continuity of doing so, plus the older child might lose their nursery place if they leave during the year.

We continued to look after our first GC when the next baby arrived on the scene when we could (Covid restrictions) as we saw it as being able to spend time with her and she enjoyed having our full attention without a demanding baby in the background!

Obviously, this only works if all parties want it to and everyone is fit and healthy. It really is about finding out what works for everyone and no two families will want to the same thing. I hope,you can work something out that suits everyone.

No, this isn't 'normal' and to be honest your DS and DIL are taking the p***.
Why do people have children and expect others to pick up the slack?? I get that they want the first child to continue at nursery as this will provide continuity for her in associating with children of her own age.
Make it clear now, while DIL is on maternity leave, you will not be childminding except in certain circumstances ie. Mum taking baby for vaccinations, check-up, etc.

My friend's daughter and son-in-law are in a similar situation and have decided to continue to send their child to nursery after the new baby arrives, so that the routine isn't disrupted when paternity/maternity leave ends. (However, no grandparents are involved in childcare.) I was a stay-at-home mum until my third went to school and loved the chaos of having three under five. But times have changed...

I think it’s a bit much of them to ask. I’d set out that you intend to take a break while your DIL is on maternity leave, aside from any one off help you feel comfortable to offer.

Ilovecheese may well be right NanaSoo and your family think you want to continue with the arrangement. I would sit down with them and have an honest conversation about how you feel and what you are prepared to offer in the way of childcare. If you don't talk this over now resentment will build up and spoil the good relationship you have with your son and daughter in law.

If you feel it’s too much, then IMO you should find a tactful way to say so.

My dd continued to send Gdd1 to nursery one day a week after Gds arrived - Gdd1 thoroughly enjoyed it and it gave dd some one to one time with the new baby, so assuming it’s financially possible I can see the point of that. Gdd had only gone for 3 days anyway - dd worked 4 and I did one day of childcare.

I think to continue nursery is pretty normal but I'd have expected them to ask you if you still wanted the child one day a week.

I also just muddled along as I had no choice. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding they thought you'd like to keep the routine in place

But isn’t it rather lovely to have your grandchild one day a week and not a lot out of your week she ll be at school before you say Jack Robinson and there are so many grans who don’t see their grandkids
Is one day a week a lot??? You ll have six more to rest won’t you but why not say if you don’t want to do it, they probably were worried about taking precious one to one time away from you

Unfortunately, nursery places are scarce and if they give theirs up then they might not get another when the time comes. If you don't want to carry on with the day a week childcare, then just say so. It shouldn't be necessary while DIL is on maternity leave.

Given that you were looking forward to the break I'd say no.
Nursery seems like a good idea personally as it's a routine.
If you wanted to you could offer every-other week maybe?

I'd say no. Children are the responsibility of the parents. One of them is home every day. They can do this.
💐

It’s fine if you feel you don’t want to continue but to me it would be normal to continue nursery for the older sibling as has been said it gives mine time with the baby. It’s your decision of course.

I muddled along with two on my own. All relations were 200 miles away. My parents came at a push when I had to go into hospital after DD2 birth. MIL offered nothing I was just a stupid girl for having them close together, of course, they were virgin births as I told her, nothing to do with her son.
Tell them you were planning a bit of me time and a relax with your DH they are expecting too much without first asking.

thank you everyone for your replies, they really help. I think when it boils down to it I just feel that they’re being quite thoughtless, assuming rather than asking. We do love time with our GD and are happy to help when needed but we’re looking forward to a break. It feels maybe as though we’ve been taken for granted and there’s an assumption been made which crosses the line.

Although keeping to the same routine for the older child might be thought desirable, I can see one problem arising from this.
However well they handle the arrival of the new baby, the older child might experience feelings of jealousy and be wondering what fun times Mummy and Daddy are having with the new baby while she is at nursery or at your house.
That could happen even if she is having a wonderful time with you.

I think being on call, if possible, if the parent needs to go somewhere with the baby would be a good idea so that you maintain a relationship with your DGD but I think, if your DS has paternity leave and your DIL has a year's maternity leave, establishing their family unit at home together is important.

Your DH needs time to recover too, and little ones can be very exhausting.
He needs recovery and convalescent leave!

I hope you can sort this out amicably.

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Children like helping with cooking, gardening, perhaps not so much cleaning (nor do I!).

I wouldn't put a clean house before enjoying time with my grandchildren; they're not tiny for long.

However, DIL didn't expect us to look after DC1 when she was on maternity leave with No.2.

I agree with Bluebelle, it is only one day a weekand Ithink your son probably thought you'd want to continue with the arrangement.. It sounds like they are very thoughtful parents.

However they might not have taken in the full implications of your husband's needs.. Just say no if you feel it will be too much for you both..

Sorry your husband has been poorly, and obviously that needs to be factored in by your son.
However that apart, I think it's important for your granddaughter to have as little disruption as possible. But also it would be good for her to be the centre of attention at your house to balance out those people visiting her home, cooing over the baby.

Callistemon21

Although keeping to the same routine for the older child might be thought desirable, I can see one problem arising from this.
However well they handle the arrival of the new baby, the older child might experience feelings of jealousy and be wondering what fun times Mummy and Daddy are having with the new baby while she is at nursery or at your house.
That could happen even if she is having a wonderful time with you.

I think being on call, if possible, if the parent needs to go somewhere with the baby would be a good idea so that you maintain a relationship with your DGD but I think, if your DS has paternity leave and your DIL has a year's maternity leave, establishing their family unit at home together is important.

Your DH needs time to recover too, and little ones can be very exhausting.
He needs recovery and convalescent leave!

I hope you can sort this out amicably.

I agree.
Make sure your talk with son is said in a pleasant way tho.😬

Callistemon21

Children like helping with cooking, gardening, perhaps not so much cleaning (nor do I!).

I wouldn't put a clean house before enjoying time with my grandchildren; they're not tiny for long.

However, DIL didn't expect us to look after DC1 when she was on maternity leave with No.2.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

I've enough to do on a daily basis - I want to be available for what actually needs doing. We do see all of them quite often, just no schedule or weekly commitment taking our time. Works for us.

As usual, everyone is different.

If they can afford the nursery care I understand why they will want to continue nursery attendance while DIL is on maternity leave - keeping her routine will make things normal for her. If you feel up you would like a break during this time just tell the parents that. I have always done one day a week GM duty and never regretted it - one day was fine !!
I stayed at home with our children in their preschool days and took them one morning each week to playgroup. How things have changed!!

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

All sounds reasonable to me, unless you do not want to look after GC1. They are trying to maintain a routine and continuity.

Do not judge them - they have their reasons and have obviously decided they can afford the nursery place. If you do not want to look after the child, then that is fine and you have the right to make that decision. But you do not have the right to judge their decisions.