Grandkids stay exhausting

Oh Pat23 how tired you must be! Just had my lovely boy ( high functioning Autim) for 4 days to give DD and SIL a break and am on my knees frankly!
Your Grandsons are having a tough time too , never easy when parents split up, do you think the oldest has coped by comfort eating? Kids are old enjoy go to be told that if they don’t go t bed before 1am they are quiet in their room from earlier then you go to bed and get some sleep. And try maybe telling your son he needs to help you physically get the house ready next time.
Finally, if all else fails just remind yourself that you are being a vital constant in their lives at a time of great flux xx

Well done for coping! I can understand your DS just flopping when he arrives at yours. Can you limit a future stay to 2 or 3 nights and have food prepared ahead and in freezer? I can see yours is probably the only place they can go to stay. Enjoy a well deserved rest now.

If their Father is with them, there is no need for you to stay up until the early hours with them, we go to bed at the same time as the children (around 11pm) and they go into in their rooms where they are on their iPads until 1am, or even later I suspect.

Get the father to help you both more, yes it is expensive feeding extra mouths especially teenage boys, just give them extra helpings to fill them up and don’t let the boy have a melt down send him outside, they aren’t too old be be told how to behave.

They are going through a very rough time and it’s great that you both are being so supportive to them all, but you need a rest, I’m sure you could get to bed for a nap in the afternoons or go out and get some fresh air?

But please speak to your son, he needs to help if not financially then with the children and help you both to cope, even if he just takes them outside with a football to kick around.

Sounds exhausting Pat but …..
You say the evenings are so long why? do you need to stay up because the boys don’t go to sleep till 1 o’clock ? Are they being noisy why don’t you go to bed and leave the father to get the boys sorted
Your son has only recently broken up so they will be in turmoil for all the changes happening
You can’t do anything short term about the boys obesity apart from not buy in sweets biscuits crisps etc so that’s not your problem
You say your sons on hard times so is this a weeks visit or is he going to be living with you? If he is and the boys are visiting you have every right to say one at a time if that’s how you can best manage it
It sounds like a big pow wow round the table with some rules and regulations set out and whilst helping your son and boys in this transition don’t be a mug if you have a husband he needs to be helping too
BUT
your main worry about the long evenings are up to you to be firm about things you need to go to bed at your normal time and tell them they can sleep when they want but no noise after 10 or whatever time you are comfortable with when my older teens grandkids have stayed I always go to bed at my normal time and tell them to make sure they put tv off and lights out and don’t make noise it’s never been a problem
Give them some responsibility they are all old enough
Guidelines are needed kind ones everyone can agree to

Thank you all so much for your messages of support.
At the moment I feel that I can’t have all three at once but we are just recovering as they only left 2 days ago.
As you say my son should do more but he’s been I’ll with a heavy cold all the time he was here.
It’s a 6 hour journey down here and I agree when he arrives he flakes out and leaves it to me, taking 2 hours to do a full breakfast as they like that and hubby cleans up after. Then I’m too tired to go out having Polymyalgia Rheumatica it takes it out of me.
Last Friday my other son arranged a party for the children and their father at his house, we were asked but too shattered to go.
I was worried sick as the teenage grandsons like a beer occasionally and my son has recently binge drinking and ended up drunk - this was at my daughters - we were worried that they all all came in the worse for drink and to say the least we were so anxious. I phoned my son and said if he came in theworse for drink he would have to have to sleep in his van.as it happened they came home an hour later as I told him to get back. They arrived back at 10.30pm and all was quiet but to me it’s not respectful behaviour to worry us.
You said have one at a time - anyone tried this? Thanks again

No I ve never had one at once in fact I use to have five (cousins) at one stage for holiday visits when they were younger and personally I found they all entertained each other but maybe it won’t be the same for yours
How strange you say you ordered them back as I told them to get back when they were out being entertained by your other son? Why ? Can’t you give your son a key and go to bed yourself obviously if he messed up and came back noisy or in drink you would be right to have a go but it really isn’t for you to tell him he’s got to come home he’s an adult With respect it does sound as if you are feeling the need to be in control even when things are outside your own home

If they live six hours away why do they have to keep coming to yours it’s a long old journey for them to make Two hours to make a breakfast is just totally excessive let your lad cook the three boys breakfast have a lie in ! but you won’t will you? You are wearing yourself out with no need …..let go the reins

You say it’s not respectful to worry you, but you are causing all the worry yourself

So here’s my advice cut down the visits Let them use your house as a base but go off and do their own thing Let them cook your breakfast, you might be surprised how they enjoy that and for goodness sake LET GO and RELAX and enjoy them
Good luck

Hi Bluebell
Lots of what you say is true so thanks for giving me a well needed reality check and I will think it through definitely.
It’s actually my husband who stresses me out as he suffers from anxiety and a total fear of people causing damage to the house. I think that may be the problem as I take on his anxiety. These are his step grandchildren and he gets stressed with any visitors.
It’s been good to talked to you all and I appreciate your comments.

Hmm, it does sound like you are a worrier, and perhaps you are doing too much for your son and GC. At that age they should be able to get their own breakfast, and Dad should be helping with other meals, cleaning and laundry. Don't let them fob it all onto you. As others have said, it's time for a family meeting and expectations laid out.

How often are you expecting to to hosting them? If your son shares custody, but he lives 6 hours away, are the boys planning on staying with you during their Dad's time? Do the boys live locally or with in the same town as their Dad? That's the part I'm not understanding.

Canadian gran
Thanks for reply. Dad and mum live separately in the same town which is 6 hours drive from my town. DIL’s sister and grandad also live near me so they see them as well for a couple of hours in the week. My ex daughter in law asks my son to have the 3 children every October and February half term for a week and Easter and summer.
He’s a good dad and sees the kids 5 times a week during term time including every other weekend.

Son comes down here a lot as his caravan is a squash for them all. He’s next coming maybe Christmas and February. At weekends he may go to my daughters who lives only one hour from him but she’s in the throws of downsizing.
When they come here they have a teenage den room where they play computer games and chill out.

I think your idea about the caravan is a good one. They can look after and feed themselves. You can have a break when tiredness comes, your DH won’t have to be anxious about damage. If they drink and make a mess you won’t be clearing up after them. Explain to your son you are getting older and just can’t cope with it all anymore. I’m sure he will understand.

I was going to suggest you and your DH go away by yourselves for some of the time and let the boys do their own thing but I see now that it's your DHs house too and he's anxious about the family staying and what they might get up to.
Teenage boys can be big and noisy!

My DH once offered to host a teenage weekend at our house. 25 youngsters including our 3 for an entire weekend. I left to stay with a friend!
I came back on the Sunday afternoon and was treated to bramble pie made by the kids
I felt a bit ashamed but not very
I was 4 months pregnant at the time.

If you really cannot bear it, you'd better say so.
It's a lot to take on when you aren't very well. You should have a straight talk to DS about how you feel.
Good luck.

16 year old must be having hard time with being a teenager and all that brings plus the uncertainly of mum and dad splitting up. They are probably all anxious. If your son sees them 5 times a week he should have a good idea what’s needed to keep them occupied. I can understand him being tired after the drive down but also him being ill too but under normal circumstances I would expect him to look after the children.
Not sure what your financial situation is but is there a local cafe who do cooked breakfasts where your son could take the kids in the morning. Anywhere local he could take them for a day to do something fun and get rid of some energy.
I agree with others you don’t need to stay up. Just tell them you’re going to bed and as their dad is there he can keep an eye on them.
I would try and find a way of coping if you can as I’m sure being with you will help them through this time. It will probably take you a few days to recover from all the busyness. She what your thinking is like then.

Forsythia

I think your idea about the caravan is a good one. They can look after and feed themselves. You can have a break when tiredness comes, your DH won’t have to be anxious about damage. If they drink and make a mess you won’t be clearing up after them. Explain to your son you are getting older and just can’t cope with it all anymore. I’m sure he will understand.

Best ideas together all round.

"Explain to your son you are getting older and just can’t cope with it all anymore."

whether your son likes it or not the point, its the truth, and explain its a limited option only.

You could make it clear what you CAN do -ie the caravan option. Or if YOU can afford it, treat them to a local air bnb out of season.

Look, my 10 year old grandson can make his own breakfast with the toaster, the older ones can.

people who have been drinking do cause problems.
i quite understand your anxiety.
add to that the usual teenage impulsiveness/lack of consideration for others, plus a moody big boy with a possible eating disorder.
and you have PMR.
don't have them all to stay again.
your son needs to get his act together.

PS, yes it is helping them a lot at this tough time but if offering less, means in the longer term being able to be consistent and see them every s often without so much fear and stress its a better compromise?

It sounds as if they need some rules and guidelines setting. Drop the complicated breakfast.Tell them to get their own, provide cereals, toast and choice of spreads. Give them a guided tour of the kitchen and leave them to it. Take yours back to bed on a tray. Explain clearing up rules. My 10 and 8 year old GCs know how to clear the table. Teach them to stack the dishwasher or wash up.
Research things which could get them out of the house for the day and book them on some.
Don't stay up with them, go to bed.
Explain to them that you are older and get tired and you need them to help out. You never know they might start looking after you.

I m glad you didn’t take my post as criticism Pat it really was looking at the problem from different unconnected eyes which I hope would be helpful I m also glad you ve had a think and realise your trying to save your husband from his own anxieties Well you can’t save everyone somethings got to give
I really think you, your husband and your son need to sit round a table and explain your man’s mental health and your own health problem and tell your son you need to set some rules to help you all as you want to see them but need his help

1 First go to bed and leave them to take themselves off to bed when they are all ready
2 don’t call them back if they are out with other family members take a break while they are gone
3) your husband might have house anxiety but presuming he is physically ok he can help you clean and tidy it
4) for crying out loud stop the 2 hour breakfasts either toast and cereal or they can cook theirs and yours (my grandson was cooking lovely meals from 10/11 usually missed out the washing up but was a good cook)

Where’s is his caravan is that what they are all living in 6 hours away ?
Write down positive changes you can make I find lists are very helpful Fors and Againsts help too
I m sure it ll settle down if you take the lead and put yourself first for once 💐

What Glorianny says!
They are 12, 14 and 16, quite old enough to see to themselves and to help you too.

The 14 year olds in our family do chores and the 10 year old left her room tidy and bed made neatly last time she stayed.

-^it’s the evenings that are so long until early hours- or should I just put up with the tiredness and feeling drained^?

There is no need for you to stay up with them.

there is if you think the place might be wrecked if you withdraw.
whatever the son's problems, i think to dump on his elderly mother who suffers the pain and restrictions of PMR, and invade her and her husband's home, and cause them both further stress and anxiety is unacceptable.
just say no.
i wish you well OP.

Pat23 - I do feel for you.
I presume they are in school during the day - so catch up with some sleep. I find that if I get a good sleep, I am able to cope better. You are good GPs and doing all you can for your family. Good luck!

It's half-term, I think!

I agree welbeck. I recognize the GC are having a tough time but Pat you are being put upon big time ! This is totally unreasonable, you are not in the best of health no wonder you are exhausted!! Your son should have more respect for you and your husband. The GC are old enough to do jobs around the house and tidy up after themselves. Put your foot down and put a stop to it !!