AIBU – to not want this person back in my life

Sounds like a very skilled manipulator to me. Don’t blame you for wanting to steer clear but if your DH is keen to get involved you have a tricky situation. You need to know what he wants/expects from this because he may be very hurt. Good luck

? ? ?all over this.
You and DH need to have a very frank and detailed conversation prior to her calling round again. Point out past experiences, the effect they’ve had on you and the likelihood of them recurring. Firmly establish what is acceptable to you going forward. Make it clear that any offers should be discussed and agreed in advance. Your DH’s involvement - both emotional and financial - is his and his alone.
I can easily understand how you feel.

I'm not clear who is the father of the eldest child, is it the SS? If so your DH seems to have taken on board some parental duties for him and may therefore feel some responsibility for the child. You need to discuss it with him. If he does feel like that it would be better if you could agree a form of support that you could both live with. That doesn't mean giving her the flat. You could offer occasional breaks for her and the children, or just the eldest child.
If you cut her out completely there is the possibility that your DH may blame you for any family split.

I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him you were on the verge of splitting up with him last time and that you don't want that to happen again.

I think red flags too. I wouldn't want her back in my life, I suspect she's a chancer hoping to get whatever she can from you and your DH. I think she's turned up now because of the economic situation we are all facing, she's waited six years to make contact.

I do think she has appealed to the hero in your husband, who is obviously disappointed in his son leaving her as a single parent to his grandson. Perhaps suggest to him you set up a savings account for him, but I would discourage visits. Good luck.

Sorry, I've just realised he is your DH's step son. I wonder if the GF has already visited his ex and her new partner.

I worry that all the detail you’ve given might make you identifiable, PinkCosmos. If you’re not concerned about that, just ignore me.

I would let her know that you accept her apology... but apart from that you should tell husband what you have told us...

This relationship has done you too much damage to continue it

Had she been genuinely sorry for all the trouble and expence they had both caused wouldn't you think she would have come with some cash to reimburse you?

I think you are right to be cautious.

I am a bit confused, is the SS the father of either of the children? The ex gf was only in your life for about 9 months 6 years ago, so you obviously have no obligations there. Have you seen SS during these 6 years? What does your DH think about all this?

I would simply say you'd be happy to meet her for a coffee somewhere if she's in the area.

I'd not get involved to be honest.

I'd not get involved either.
If your DH wants a relationship with her because of his (presumably) step-grandson tell him that he will have to meet them elsewhere.

Yes, she does sound manipulative.

The flat is, I hope, just in your name and yours to rent to whoever you wish.
Don't be steam-rollered by your DH and this woman.

AIBU in not wanting to go down this path again.
Not at all.

Good luck.

Glorianny

I'm not clear who is the father of the eldest child, is it the SS? If so your DH seems to have taken on board some parental duties for him and may therefore feel some responsibility for the child. You need to discuss it with him. If he does feel like that it would be better if you could agree a form of support that you could both live with. That doesn't mean giving her the flat. You could offer occasional breaks for her and the children, or just the eldest child.
If you cut her out completely there is the possibility that your DH may blame you for any family split.

The father of the eldest child is my DH's step son who he did not see after he got divorced until he turned up at a funeral. So about 20 years of no contact until then. SS is about 40 now so not young.

GF was pregnant when they left the flat. This is the first time we have heard from her for about 6 years.

We have no family connection to either of them.

My DH's ex wife died about 5 years ago. SS dad died about 25 years ago.

No you are not being unreasonable PinkCosmos. If you are happy to meet up either at your house or somewhere else so she can apologise to you in person, then tell your DH that that is all you are prepared to do, and want no further contact.

pandapatch

I am a bit confused, is the SS the father of either of the children? The ex gf was only in your life for about 9 months 6 years ago, so you obviously have no obligations there. Have you seen SS during these 6 years? What does your DH think about all this?

SS is the father of the eldest child but he has never even seen him. I don't know who the father is of the younger child but he is not on the scene either.

Yes, she was only in our life for about 9 months so I don't feel like I have any responsibility or obligation towards her at all.

My DH is a pushover but I think he was shocked when she asked if her sons could call him grandad. It's not like he has had an ongoing relationship with SS

I don't want anything to do with her, to put it bluntly, she contributed to the situation last time, though she is blaming it all on the SS now. She used to be always ringing my DH up to ferry her around as she had no car and didn't drive.

I felt like I was totally used and abused by both of them

I am not completely hard hearted and sympathise with her position, but I just can't go through all that stress again.

Doesn’t sound promising given the history so I would be wary cosmos and take things slowly. If you do meet then maybe a cafe or somewhere neutral so that you can leave when you want.

My thoughts too silverlining48.
Be wary Cosmos - and tell your husband that you are afraid of everything going pear-shaped again.
The child shouldn't really be calling him "grandad" because the relationship is tenuous as best.
I expect your softie husband was pleased though as he loved his step-son once (if not any more).

You should speak honestly to your husband. Try to encourage him to see that you must not to go down that destructive path again.

I'd suggest you do not invite them to your home. If you need to meet at all a café is best.

Good luck.

I find it very odd to blame the GF for all the things that went on The SS is obviously older than her if he is 40 and she has a 3 year old. Perhaps she did want a baby but he was old enough to refuse. I suspect your DH is feeling guilty about the no contact and the SS failures. There is a 6 year old involved who has no contact with his father, your DH took responsibility for the child's father for 10 years. He may now be looking at this child and regretting the past. I'd be very careful about insisting on no contact, that may very well result in him contacting her in secret. You need to find you exactly what his feelings really are and then support him to do what he feels is necessary on the understanding that you are not personally involved.

You need to discuss this very frankly with your husband. Did you ever have it out with him for basically taking over YOUR inherited flat and overriding your wishes? With her arrival I think you are in danger of something similar being repeated. He needs to think carefully about his priorities in relationships. You are worth more than this

Gloriany - SS is about 40 now (according to my calculations) and GF is about 35.

SS treated my husband really badly (in my opinion) during the time they lived in the flat. SS was not interested in maintaining a relationship with my DH after DH split up from his mother. My DH did try but the effort was all one sided.

SS has not even seen his own son so I don't know why my DH should be regretting the past, other than regretting ever taking him on as a SS.

During the nine months they lived at the flat, the effort was still all one sided!

Madgran - I agree with everything you say. I did have it out with him and felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I do fear that history could repeat itself. I am feeling really stressed and anxious just thinking about it all.

I am wondering if she thinks we still have a couple of spare bedrooms, as we had before, so that she can invite herself and the children down for weekends. We don't have any spare bedrooms now. My son is back living at home and the other room is now a study.

I think you will have to have a hard conversation with your husband. Make it clear that the flat is out of bounds and not up for grabs, they will not ever stay over and you don't want a relationship with them. Tell her you have no wish for a relationship. I think you might need to make it clear to your husband that if he offers support to them, you will walk away. Do you have a shared bank account? It might be in your interest to have one that only you can access. My extended family had a situation which was similar and they were taken to the cleaners by a young woman claiming she had rights. She didn't buy she caused a huge upset at the time. Good luck

Pink Cosmos I am sorry you are having to deal with this. The issue is your husband really. You have to talk to him, and you have to ensure that you are not browbeaten again.

If he wants to maintain contact then that is his prerogative but not at your expense, emotionally and possibly financially. Tell him he can meet her elsewhere if he wants to, you will not attend and that you will not countenance her staying at the house. If he won't listen, then that is a separate issue about mutual respect and care

PinkCosmos

Gloriany - SS is about 40 now (according to my calculations) and GF is about 35.

SS treated my husband really badly (in my opinion) during the time they lived in the flat. SS was not interested in maintaining a relationship with my DH after DH split up from his mother. My DH did try but the effort was all one sided.

SS has not even seen his own son so I don't know why my DH should be regretting the past, other than regretting ever taking him on as a SS.

During the nine months they lived at the flat, the effort was still all one sided!

PinkCosmos I don't think the reasons why contact is lost really matter. No one who has responsibility for a child for 10 years can ever really totally distance themselves. Especially if that child grew up to have problems.
The regret is looking at the 6 year old who is now the age his father was when your DH was his step father, and thinking about what happened to the SS. He may think if he is involved in the child's life the child will have a better future than the SS. The fact that the SS hasn't had contact will only make him feel worse. The fact that he tried with the SS and failed time after time won't be a comfort. He may still feel the child deserves something.
I think if you could just help your DH by getting him to talk about how he feels and without insisting it isn't his fault, because he may be absolutely aware of that, and still feel an emotional responsibility it would help.
You could at the same time ensure you are personally financially protected, because the mother may be after money , so I think it is important.
But whatever is happening I think your DHs actions in the past and now show he does care about these people.