Holidays with in laws -need to say no

Judge Judy on tv
misquotes Benjamin Franklin (who quotes John Lyly who quotes some Greek guy!)
guests are like fish, after three days they should be thrown out.

Although I have had friends to stay happily for longer.
Some family members, not so much.

Much as I love mine, I've always maintained that staying with relatives - or having them to stay with you, is not a holiday.
IMO, a real (grown-up) holiday is you going where you want to go, with whom you choose, and doing just what you want to do when you're there. I think what Gwiz5 describes here, is what I would call a"family" visit; and this one sounds like the relatives from hell. I agree fully with the GNs here, who have various suggestions for ways that Gwiz can change what happens this year. My advice is to say NO (with whatever reasons/explanations that you like) and go your own away!

Ohhhhh heck !!!! Eeeeeek.
If youve all been away so many times then they feel relaxed enough to be bickering and guzzling the booze thinking everyone is ok with it.

Hmmmmm it seems your patience has indeed run dry and in my view this us not fair on you..... someone suggested about going away togethet but saying in separate accommodation... would that work ?

I would certainly do something about it before words are said that can't be taken back because by them already suggesting next years holiday, its obvious they are quite happy to continue in the manner they are doing.

10 days is far too long. If they are upset when your husband tells them no more holidays, suggest a weekend in a hotel together instead. Then it will be short, they may bicker less because other people will be around, and you wont have to do any jobs. You are an absolute saint putting up with that horror more than once.

I personally would not stay in a hotel for a weekend if that is how they carry on. They will expect you to unpack and pack for them- I can think of many ways you will be treated as an unpaid skivvy.

As others have said, if your DH wanted to join them next year, fine- you can spend a peaceful time in your own home if you do not want to go away anywhere.

Just say 'NO!'. Tell they straight away they can't stay with you as you are going to have a very quiet one this year and no-one can stay or visit. Just smile and laugh off protestations. Warn husband in advance to make a stand strongly for this.

Life is far too short. Just stop all of this nonsense now. Book other things. Stop. Husband needs to be the spokesman.

How has your husband responded to you saying that you are done, Gwiz5? Is he onside?

Good advice Monica and all..

Take care of You now x

My sons do not expect and never have expected me to share their holidays. I has occurred to me to wonder if I'd like to do so but probably not.

On the face of it your son and you have been permitting the older couple to be irresponsible and selfish.

I'd tell the older couple it's high time they looked after themselves. However your problem is educating their son about this matter. I am afraid you will have to try to explain this to your husband whose family culture includes infantilising his elderly relations.

My sister got terribly offended when I decided our two families wouldn’t be going away together (as I felt I never got a rest). But she did get over it, perhaps she enjoyed the holiday without us more than she expected!

You have been beyond patient had similar few years back expectations of staying / going on holiday etc (mil) I agreed to a weekend at Wsrners nothing for me to do .( I went round yesterday spent 3 hours sorting her tv Internet and phone out ) and dodged Christmas saying we were going away ( we aren't lol )

Ps she has a million friends and relatives locally and all DH siblings etc too so not abandoning mil

Just say no! You have done more than enough and are perfectly entitled to say you want to do something just as a couple at Christmas/for holidays…if they don’t like it too bad, and if hubby won’t back you up then go away on your own for Christmas and on holiday

Just say NO. We all have a right to say NO. No explanations necessary.

Gwiz5 you need a medal! ?

Gwiz5- you've taken a good step here in telling your OH that you've had enough and you're not doing holidays again. The next step is is to speak with the in-laws or get him to do that and explain that the constancy of the arrangement is tiring you out and that neither of you intend to continue with it. The truth should be told, their lifestyle causes you a lot of work and basically you end up being the skivvy and missing out on a holiday whether that be away from home or at home over the Christmas period. Their expectations of staying with you have to be managed and managed now - let them book in at a bnb and keep peace and calm in your house. I wouldn't tell them you're going away when you're not because that puts the 'blame' on your behaviour and in the future they may ask you not to go away. They need to know that it's their behaviour that's behind your need to safeguard your own sanity.

Read a book, “ live like your cat” it will change your life for the better.

m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41KlRncp1nL._SL500_.jpg

What you haven't told us, as far as I can see, is how your husband reacted when you said you had had enough.

Did he understand that you really mean that you cannot manage these so-called holidays any more?

Will he be just as relieved as you, if you both put your foot down and tell his parents that you cannot continue to have them coming for the only ten days holiday you have?

Or will he be annoyed with you?

If you and he are in agreement that enough is enough and you have both done your duty by his parents for 18 years, then the matter is fairly plain sailing.

Start by checking with your SIL that she has invited them for Christmas, and whether she is expecting them to stay at your place? Say they cannot - you don't need to give a reason, but if she asks for one, say you are exhausted waiting on them hand and foot during your holiday, and that you really need a break at Christmas.

Why should your parents in law expect to stay with you, if they are spending Christmas with her?

Then sit down and work out where you and your husband want to go next year for your holiday, and book it NOW!

Then tell his parents that you are happy to hear that your SIL has invited them for Christmas, but that they cannot stay with you at Christmas.

If your SIL can't put them up, then she or they will need to find accomodation for them, but not at your place.

If on the other hand your husband thought you were only giving vent to a passing bad mood, you need to start by convincing him that his parents are the outside of enough and that you neither can nor will have them staying next holiday, or at Christmas.

This can be difficult and disagreeable if you are not in agreement regarding his parents.

Now is also the time to tell him frankly that you are afraid that you and he will end up talking to each other as his parents do, and that you just cannot bear the thought. And stop him every time his reactions resemble theirs.

He needs to know that you find it hard to cope with and that you will not put up with manners like these.

I am guessing you have put up with far too much from your parents-in-law over the years, so changing things will be hard, but there must be changes, as you can no longer cope, or should be expected to.

My goodness...you are a saint. If you are unwell go to bed and leave your husband to deal with HIS parents. Tell him to tell them NO to Christmas. You don't have to make excuses...no should be enough.

welbeck

just.
say.
no.

What they said

If you can't say no, I would say I'd been invited on holidays next year by a group of friends and you are going with them instead. It's your holiday too so why should you run around after them. Put your foot down and say no, plus tell your SIL she's having them for Xmas not you.

When the OP hasn't come back why bother to waste your time responding?

You’ve more than done your bit - just say NO!