Have you forgiven his infidelity?

Personally I would end the relationship right now. No way would I marry him.

I haven’t experience of this.

But for what it’s worth, this is a red flag and you ignore it at your peril. You may decide to skate over or around it, that’s up to you of course. But remember going forward, it was a choice that you made.

Be careful you don’t just settle for this just because the alternative seems bleak.

Others may be better placed to advise.
I’d be wary.
Have your eyes wide open as leopards don’t change their spots.
Deep down you know this.

Thanks to you both. Your advice is as expected. I’ll keep watch for more perspectives.

Is he even sorry he cheated on you?
What has he done to win your trust back?

As Urms points out, leopards do not and cannot change their spots. You know this. A clean break is the only answer, after explaining why.

The fact that you don't want to tell your family about this Nonogran speaks volumes.
I agree with Urmstongran don't settle for this deceitful man, you are worth more than this.

Nonogran

I could not trust him after what happened. As they say, "he's got form"

You only have one life, do you want to spend it in doubts? Yes you will be lost and lonely at first.

But my main feeling Nonogran is that by the age you both are, you both will have had experiences of relationships of not several.

Do `you fall for men who tend to behave like him as a pattern?

Has he been like this in his life in the past? ask around 0 find out, don't just go by what he says.

Trust me, that is the most important path to pursue, his lifelong patterns with women. However charming and adorable he can be.

They never change their spots. We were a lot younger, but he had an affair with the wife of our best friend. I threw him out. After him promising me the earth I took him back and guess what? He started an affaire with her again.
Two messy divorces and their relationship lasted about another 6 weeks and 2 families wrecked.
So Nonogran take from that what you will.
I hope you have the courage to get your running shoes on. Good Luck.

I certainly wouldn't marry him. If you like his company you can stay friends but you know you can't trust him.

What about the money side? Is it an equal situation? You say he ran up debts? did HE shell out or did you?

does he want a lover/partner

or a mum figure and he can play with your love, support, care when ill, and.....
your money?

The thing is, if you do break up with him again he will be straight back onto the internet dating within a week. As others have said, leopards don’t change their spots.

I divorced my first husband he was controlling abusive and he lived a double life. I was in my thirties he was my first love I was naive.
You are how old? your partner is reaching 75 and devious he is not going to change get rid.

Yes, that why I think Nonogran need to find out about his past relationships with women.

and also about the episode at the hotel/running up debts etc.

Is he Bi-Polar? if he is, are you both aware of the patterns and how to manage etc.

Are you someone who needs to "Rescue"in relationships?

Oh heavens - please extract yourself from this and fill up your life with things you enjoy. Honestly you really do not need this in your life. There are plenty of much better and more enjoyable things to be doing than tagging on the coat-tails of a cheat. Break free and start living your own life - you do not need this person.

‘more perspectives’, sorry but I can’t see any.

Why would he change? He has you and when he doesn’t have you he has his Internet dating to fall back on. He is probably on his internet dating site even when you are ‘together’.

If you like him as a friend, keep the friendship whilst knowing he is untrustworthy.
On no account marry the man as you will be giving away half of your assets. No wonder you don’t want to tell your family !

I accept what you’re all saying . Thank you for responding.

Our finances are entirely separate. We have no need to share finances & are on an equal footing income & capital wise. That works well for us unless we agree on a joint expense for something.

He gets lonely when I’m not around so when we argued and to all intents and purposes were finished in late August, he turns elsewhere (it seems) for company and comfort. He quickly fell for the last fling and completely love bombed her. He also lied to her when he came to visit with me, about his whereabouts, & then when confronted with evidence, sent a text to finish with her saying he still loves me! He probably hurt her terribly too.

When we are together he’s all I want. Fun, good company, generous & humorous. I don’t want to throw baby out with the bath water but I am nervous about marrying him.

My late husband was a narcissist, philanderer & very controlling. Maybe this is all I know so I’m putting up with further nonsense from my current DP.

All I know is that I am loving & loyal and was distraught during our latest issues. I’m soft peddling a bit to see how it pans out but trust me, I’m not being a pushover either. I think he feels very guilty & refuses to discuss his fall from grace in any detail regarding the whys and wherefores. If I bring anything up, he shuts me down. I have at least managed to get him to clear up the cess pit of his mobile which was full of dating sites touting for his business. Once you sign up to one or two they get their claws into you & bombard with unsolicited invitations from other sites to sign up!

I’m feeling stronger than I was & realise I’ve invested too heavily in the relationship. He was my world. I’ve now got plans such that if I need to I can move on but I don’t relish that at all. I just want a quiet later life with a decent trustworthy partner. ?

Oh Nonogran. I worry about the big red flag in your latest response.
You talk about his mobile phone being “full of dating sites touting for business” . The algorithm points to him searching for the dating sites himself . He is trying to blind you with science.

Well you know its not him, dont you?

You're not alone, I'm splitting with Ex after 11 years, patterns of lovebombing till one is hooked, tho it wasn't infidelity but being a source of money and mothering.

We have to ask the question, can we cope alone and not run into the next mans arms because of fear of being alone. only then I think can we judge is this man "Decent, trustworthy"

when you know you are fine not having to have a man

I'd end the relationship.
I think if you're truly meant to be together you will both find a way to live together.
I don't see how any good can come from living separately. You're basically free agents.
I understand some may not agree.
My ex has a relationship where they both live in separate houses and have lots of personal space from each other.
But we often see him out and about with other women!
I dont think his main girlfriend knows that he sees other women as she lives in a different town?
I've heard he's on dating sites as well.

He is a widower so apart from what he tells me about that relationship I have no yard stick to go on about previous relationships.
As far as doing anything to make amends he has come off social media and cleared off his mobile phone of questionable material. This might have to be ongoing given how far he spread his wings. He gets hostile if I keep asking albeit he’s had given me access to his phone. He seems unable to have an adult conversation about things not be empathetic about my suffering over this. I’ll probably tread water for a bit. We’ve just had a lovely ten days together although he did get a bit touchy at times if I mentioned his philander with the other woman.
My head knows what I should do but my heart is lost. It’s so wretched to be feeling like this.
Thanks to all who’ve shared your opinions. It is helpful.

RUN!

Absolutely don't marry him. You might want to keep a casual relationship going but it would have to be strictly no strings. The fact that you can't talk to your family about him suggests that you know what they would say. Far too many red flags.

Nonogran

Yes he was widowed but there would be people who know him in those long long years!

I think you really need to know him better before you start thinking of marrying and moving in together. and make sure there are NO MORE repeat patterns

I'm worried he lacks empathy to understand why you are upset.

But I recall being in the stage where I was being love bombed and I probably would not have listened to the wise advice being handed out here, but you've come in here knowing the meaning of "love bombing" and therefore why you describe yourself as "lost"to him.

Not good. We need to keep ourselves in love, not lose.