Selfish adult children

I know that you don't want to "kick them out" but could you encourage them to find somewhere to rent together, surely if all three of them chipped in they could afford something together, just not on their own. I hope they are paying you for their keep at the moment, so they could put that amount towards the rent.
You say young adults so I assume they are all over 18.

I don't know how they are and whether this would be appropriate but could you encourage them to look for their own places and you downsize to somewhere with a more manageable rent?

18 months isn't that long ago though for you to have lost you husband and them their Dad. Were things easier when he was alive? were they more respectful to you and your home?

How very hard for you. And I am sure you are worried about the 'blackmail' if you tell them what's what, and says they need to help pay their way and help around the place. I feel for you.

I actually know a people who sold their 4 bedroomed house for a 1.5 bed bungalow- just to force sons in their 30s to move out!

What sort of state was your house when you came home? Presumably they had cooked and cared for themselves while you were away, but they were perfectly capable of preparing a welcome home meal for you.
Use your upset to fuel your anger; they may be grieving but so are you and they need to learn not to take you for granted. I hope you are charging them rent; if not, start now, and stop cooking and washing for them. I doubt if it will make them help, but it might persuade them to think of living independently.
Their behaviour is very poor, and deeply selfish, all of them. Let them know, repeatedly, how much they have upset you, including the one with mental health issues.

you are not their staff.
do not open the door for their deliveries.
just stop doing so much, stop treating them like toddlers.
how long could you go away for.
would you be able to move abroad, and then they could pay for the upkeep of the house.
are you working or retired.
they don't care much about you.
they are pursuing their own lives and interests.
so you have to build your own life.
don't make being their carer your life and identity.
i wish you well.

How old are your children?

If over 18 with income or able to earn an income - they need to move out

The one with mh issues - is there an active treatment to manage it?

Honestly, they are all behaving like teenagers, pushing boundaries
Why do housework if mom will take care of it?

You do not need to be a doormat - tough love is what they need

As for rent being exorbitant- that is how the world is
Your AC will manage, it is not for you to shield them and rescue them

Thank you all. All saying what I know. I didn’t have the energy to sort this all out before but my holiday away has given me a new perspective on things. Sat down today and worked out how much it would cost to keep the house and divided the cost into three. Wrote out a list of rules and expectations of what I want done in the house. I have also told them that the rental lease is due to be renewed in March and if things haven’t improved I will not renew it and move away to my sisters. They will get notice in 3 months of my decision so they will have time to find somewhere if needed. Have given them all a copy. Told them I loved them and will always be there for them but I have to deal with my own grief and find a life for me. So let’s see how that goes.

What are the consequences if those rules and expectations are not fulfillled?

Death in the family or not, ACs are supposed to move out anyway eventually

Didn’t think of that. A friend recently decided if her ac act like teenagers she would treat them like it. Unplugged internet etc. Will do the same. If they don’t improve will use the rent money to pay bills and move away earlier. Just spoke to landlord. He is happy to end lease sooner if I need to and he has smaller properties he would be happy to rent to me. Have just sent them all a message telling them if they are not happy with things, they are free to move out.

Honestly, it sounds to me all bark and no bite

If you want this to work, you need to act, not talk.

Assuming your AC are legally adults- your plan is not going to work.
You are hoping a written agreement they didn't seem to have input in is going to make them behave

Time for them to face the real world.

Unplugging the internet.... it may work with young kids but if your AC have phones, they have internet, right?

Removing their chargers for the cells is more efficient if you think of it
Still not applicable to AC

Stop being an enabler

Give Droopdrawers a break, Hithere. She has gone from being unable to face doing anything to coming up with a plan including talking to the Landlord to sort out smaller accommodation. To be fair, if their mother has never asked much of them, the AC will take advantage. Droopdrawers has now drawn her line in the sand to set boundaries with a clear plan of what to do if the AC don't pull their fingers out.

Well done Droopdrawers for coming up with a plan- hope it's a wake up call and that you can get your life back.

Hithere - OP is renting her house and has already said she's considering not renewing the lease. What more do you expect her to do at this stage? Change the locks and throw them out? They've been given a written agreement and should be given a chance to see if it will work. As many parents know, children are for life, not just for first 18 years!

Farmor15 'children are for life, not just for 18 years!'

Well yes, but being a doormat is not included. As a parent I will always help ACs in an emergency, glady and with love. But this is not what OP is describing. She is being taken for a ride, they are not helping around the place and sponging off her, with no gratitude whatsoever.

There are limits, thank goodness.

Not knowing the ages, OP is treating her kids like dependents, not adults

That is what fails here

Well done for making a plan! How old are your children and does your one with mental health issues get help and support?

Droop, you seem to have come with a reasonable plan, with plenty of notice for kids to get their acts together.

Please keep us posted, and even though it may seem hard, it may be the bet thing all round. You will be happier on your own.

You seem to have made a good start, and a back up plan if things don't improve. I hope you are feeling a bit more positive and I wish you well.

Quick update folks. Went out yesterday and when I came back ac1 was cooking dinner. Ac2 and 3 had tidied up a bit. Sat down after dinner and had a chat. Ac3 was a bit off about it all but I have set out some basic house rules. Told them these are non negotiable and we shall progress from there. Watch this space.

That sounds promising, Droopdrawers. I hope it continues to get better.

I think its a good idea to move towards downsizing at a speed that works for you all. They aren't going to change over night are they? There will be big heffalums but good fro you to stop being a doormat.

Given the amount of support for people with MH issues, you may need to keep space for her a bit longer, it really depends on how ill she is, and how old she is. To be honest, there isn't adequate community support unless she is very very ill.

You have taken the first steps to getting your life on track Droopdrawers well done, it's not easy to change things where family are involved.
Keep up the good work, your children need to be more independent.

Well done Droopdrawers, it's hard I know. It's good to talk to them and hopefully they will make more of an effort.

Remember "Actions speak louder than words", so don't just listen to what they are saying, expect to see the action. Love is a verb and it's so easy for them to say what they think you want to hear, but unless they actually do it then it's meaningless. (Been there and am still there with one of mine but he's moved out)

Really hope you get significant improvements