My husband is not intimate with me

Oh dear, what can I say. You don’t say how old he is and I think men slow down a great deal with bedroom activity as they get older.

This needs to be discussed with your H Libz. You say that medication works in terms of him being physically capable of intimacy, so it looks as if this isn't about him smoking and being unable to be intimate, but that he no longer wishes to be.

For smokers, smoking does have a calming effect.

I wouldn't say that intimacy after years of marriage is overrated, but if one still needs and desires the intimacy that their partner cannot/will not provide I can see why this could cause problems to an otherwise happy relationship.

Maybe couples counselling would be worth considering.

Speaking to many friends, it is a myth that it is generally women who go 'off' sex. Considering their husbands/partners are often older too.

I imagine the feelings of rejection and frustration must be difficult, for either side. Not all issues can be dealt with medically or physically, and how to proceed depends on each and every relationship.

Smileless for smokers, smoking does have a calming effect

Actually when I gave up I read a book and one thing g it said was that smoking a fag just made you stress until
The next one !

Lucca

Smileless for smokers, smoking does have a calming effect

Actually when I gave up I read a book and one thing g it said was that smoking a fag just made you stress until
The next one !

Or as my dad put it: smoking calms down the naggings of the addiction for a short time.

We know that women have a loss of oestrogen at a certain age and we know quite a lot about it now. However, men can have a loss of testosterone so their libido suffers. Could you perhaps ask him to get a test done to see what the problem is? It might help you understand that it is not him, just a lack of hormones. It would also help any feelings of resentment. You wouldn't expect him to resent your lack of oestrogen!

Also, he needs to get his prostate checked as this can sometimes cause a lack of erection without additional help. Better to be safe than sorry.

My husband and I are just working through this but fortunately neither of us has a great libido any more but we have enough love to help us.

you can get so comfortable with someone over the years that you both forget about the basics of giving each other quick hugs and a kiss from time to time. It's not just about going to bed and having sex or not . both parties need hugs or the rest dies!...

I’m dubious about saying this (hides behind sofa) but there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
Perhaps your DH can give you some ‘intimacy’ if he’s not bothered about reciprocation.
All can be done in a living way.

Loving - not living!!!

Lack of intimacy finished my marriage after a similar time, it wasn’t the sex it was not having cuddles that mattered. My sympathy

Georgesgran, that is very true. It may even rejuvenate some of his libido.
Katie59, that is the bit that can go missing so I make a point of asking for a cuddle.

My husband is not a naturally affectionate man without the pay off at the end of one but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He mainly used to instigate the sexual intimacy so I am now instigating the affection.

Barmeyoldbat

Oh dear, what can I say. You don’t say how old he is and I think men slow down a great deal with bedroom activity as they get older.

We are both 63 years old

IMO 63 is no time to stop!
Has he any health problems?
Does he have ED? Maybe he doesn't want to admit it, but tell him that you will help him.
If he has, that will make him wary of having repeat failures. Have you discussed this with him?

There are ways of overcoming it. Viagra etc, restrictor rings (Instant results!)
Could you both talk to your GP, or would he be prepared to go alone to talk about it?

Have you tried a "date evening"/ dining and a little wine might relax him.
It helps for you both to be relaxed and unpressurised, as when on holiday.
Try to seduce him, with how you dress (Nothing wrong with older ladies wearing pretty things (Outer and under, or revealing, about the house.)
Don't rush when dressing or undressing. let him enjoy looking and touching.
Encourage him to wash your back, liberally, when you are in the bath or shower.
Compliment him on what a fine body he has.
Try to surprise him with what you are wearing, (or not).. Whisper sweet nothings in his ear.
Don't stick to one time or room in the house.

And remember that success usually breeds success
If you succeed make sure that he enjoys things, praise him and tell him that you do.
Make it fun, so experiment, do all sorts of "naughty" things to encourage him.
Remember what your objective is!

When you say "not intimate" do refer to sexual intercourse, or do you also mean affectionate touching that has no sexual intent, such as putting his arm around you shoulder, or stroking your hair?

As you say in time you will resent him,. Why don’t you speak to him and find out how he really feels, intimacy is not overrated after years of marriage in my opinion, but then it does depend on who you are married to, you say your marriage is solid so that’s a start, 63 is very young to not be interested,I’m thinking as he has tried pills he must have wanted to at some point.

I’m thinking as he has tried pills he must have wanted to at some point.

I think there is an awful lot of psychological stuff going on with men who, for some reason or other, cannot get an erection easily or maintain one. It can really affect the way they see themselves as a man. Far easier to say you are not interested.

Mind you, if a woman loses interest in sex and a man is still wanting it, he is expected to be sympathetic.

DH refused to take Viagra, so I persuaded him to take three supplements daily; zinc with copper 20mg, cod liver oil with vitamin D ( a brand called Arctic D) and pomegranate juice (a brand called POM). You can get them online at Amazon.

These supplements seem to help him. I think they help to increase testosterone naturally but it takes a while - a month or so before you see any improvement.

Not trying to frighten you but ED can also be a precursor to a heart attack, can you persuade your DH to go to the doctor and have tests done?

Disinterest in a sex life really doesn’t matter if both partners feel the same way, but when only one still has their libido fully functioning with nothing to look forward to but sexual frustration it must put a huge strain on a marriage. Knowing that never again will you experience the joy of mutually satisfying orgasms while your body still desires it must be awful.

As I read your OP I feel you mean the problem is no sex. I hope there is still affection, the touches, the hugs, the kisses which indicate a loving relationship. If this is the case and you are otherwise happy in your life together them perhaps a vibrator might be the answer. Single sex can be very satisfying.

If the affection has gone out of your marriage and you are unhappy being with him any more then it is time to plan to part company.

For what it is worth, no matter how wonderful any man was, him smoking would be a deal breaker for me.

SporeRB. Surely if a man is low in an essential hormone the natural thing to do is to supplement the missing hormone. Doctors prescribe men with testosterone all the time. No need to mess about with unproven and unnecessary “supplements”.

Wise words from other GNs here; I agree fully with Esspee. Can I add that it's my understanding that the most important "erogenous zone" is the mind. Communication is crucial, IMO; you need to have an honest and caring discussion of this issue. If this isn't possible then I'd be concerned; perhaps counselling could help? Even if you went alone?

Hi OP, I feel your pain as I’m in same boat although at 72 I’m a bit older. Hubby’s six years younger at 66 and we haven’t been intimate for five years. Only married for 15 years! Am always told I look younger than my years and I have a young outlook. Always dress nicely, make up and hair done every day but I feel unattractive and undesirable. He keeps fit and well dressed and I still fancy and love him like crazy. But he told me a few years ago that he didn’t want to have sex anymore. On my request he had his testosterone checked at the surgery and all is fine. I know for sure he’s not having an affair as I know the signs and he’s either on the golf course or with me. He is very affectionate and tells me he really loves and adores me and the lovely holidays, flowers and meals out are testament to this. That is why I stay. I have reached a level of acceptance although it’s hard sometimes because as I say I still fancy him. Espee’s suggestion is a good one and helps a lot but is no replacement for that closeness that intimacy brings. I have thought of counselling, for me, as I have no one I can talk to about this so maybe that would help you? I find that lack of sex is so often talked about from the male point of view but very rarely from the female side, perhaps we’re all keeping quiet!

Esspee

*SporeRB*. Surely if a man is low in an essential hormone the natural thing to do is to supplement the missing hormone. Doctors prescribe men with testosterone all the time. No need to mess about with unproven and unnecessary “supplements”.

Esspee, there’s a method to my madness btw.

DH refused to take the blue pill because he believes that his medication is giving him erectile dysfunction (Ed). So, I checked it out.

I typed the name of his medication plus the words ‘nutrient depletion’ and run a Google search and I found a number of medical websites which says that his medication depletes his body of zinc.

Zinc is crucial to a man’s sexual health, that is why I persuaded him to take the zinc supplement.

Likewise, certain types of statins even on a low dosage can result in Ed because it depletes the body of CoQ10.

A man with Ed sees himself as a failure as a man and can be too embarrassed or ashamed to see a doctor. Easier for him to say he is no longer interested in sex.

If OP can persuade her DH to see the doctor and get his testosterone levels check and made sure he is not deficient in any of the vital vitamins like zinc and vitamin D, that will be great.

I'm a male of 69.My wife and i have'nt been intimate for about 12 years now.And i really miss it.She is just not interested.I've tried date nights,holidays away but nothing works.I think some people just are'nt interested.

I have the same problem with my husband, both of us our 57. We've been married for 12 years . Our sex life was amazing for years, then around 2 years ago , he just stopped cuddling up at bedtime . He comes to bed later than me and is always up and dressed early . If I put my arms around him in bed , his body stiffens . He won't talk about it , or anything important really. He's also a heavy smoker , perhaps that has caused it ? we're happy otherwise but I do miss the intimacy