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Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

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(7 Posts)
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Nanaclare Fri 04-Mar-22 11:43:09

This is hard. Our son declined any involvement with his daughter (from a brief liaison) which of course, I blame myself for. I must have done something wrong. We have been involved from the beginning, supporting her & her mum through years of social services involvement and having her for fortnightly weekends/holidays in his absence, therefore, she has a solid attachment with us. For the last two years we have been supporting our son & his fiance to be involved and they have been really good and clearly love her. But it hurts them terribly that her attachment to us is greater. It would be cruel to step back too far for her emotional well-being, but so hard for them feeling that they must be getting it wrong. I tried suggesting a parenting programme but that went down really badly. God! Parenting is hard! Anyone else had a similar experience? I know I just have to persevere but it can be really hard and they feel it is my fault.

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Poppyred Fri 04-Mar-22 12:28:09

Your son didn’t want to be involved with his daughters upbringing but is now miffed that she is emotionally attached to you, her grandmother who has been in her life from the start….is that right?

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Soozikinzi Fri 04-Mar-22 12:34:50

Love and attachment isn't a finite rationed thing . The fact she's so attached to you doesn't affect how Attached she is to her Dad and new partner . I would have thought the more people who care for your DGD the better .

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Oopsadaisy1 Fri 04-Mar-22 12:39:07

You mean he is jealous of someone who has always been there for his daughter in his ( self imposed) absence.
He has some growing up to do.

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sodapop Fri 04-Mar-22 15:01:13

Spot on Oopsadaisy
Continue to love your granddaughter NanaClare and don't stress about your son, you have always done the right thing it seems.

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M0nica Fri 04-Mar-22 15:08:39

I confess that I am getting really, well, almost fed up, with grandparents convincing themselves that whenever their adult children act badly it is their fault. I blame myself for it. I must have done something wrong.

Our adult children are grown up, have reached the age of reason and are entirely to blame for their own bad behaviour.

Should we blame the current war in Ukraine on President Putin's mother?

Nanaclare your son has behaved badly and continues to do so. It is NOT your fault. It is his, entirely and totally.

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Kim19 Fri 04-Mar-22 15:14:30

The pecking order is arrived at by nurture and not birthright, methinks. You have done a wonderful job in compensating for your son's inadequacy. Don't know why you blame yourself initially but that's fine. I find your involvement admirable. Who said life should be easy, eh?!! Well done and keep up the good work.

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