How often do you see you grandchildren

I hardly see my grandchildren, I've had my share of looking after children with my 5. I have one who I am estranged from who lives in the same lane as us who I would love to get to know and two who live a mile away. We all know we are there for each other if needs be but children these days are much more hard work to entertain and health issues get in the way so we just visit occasionally plus birthdays etc.

Of course you arent being unreasonable.
Your daughter's childcare is for her to sort out, not for her to just land on you, regardless of your health issues.

Thanks for replying.

Her vision of being a grandmother is to help her bring her baby up. Over night babysitting, childminding, taking her away. Her own grandmother (my mil) saw her on Sundays for dinner. So I don’t know where she’s getting this idea that I’m lacking

It's a minefield, isn't it?
I suppose if she has always been "tricky" then you've walked in eggshells a bit, to keep things from causing upset, so she has become used to it?

What do your other children think of all this?

My daughter is the same as this one. I have decreased mobility after an operation left me with complications. She still expects me to just drop everything and babysit whenever she needs me but I physically just do it. She has my only 3 grandchildren but forgets that I have just retired through ill health. I'm just not able but I get all these complaints and huffy moods and yes, it feels like walking on eggshells

Wow, your daughter is expecting too much

You are the parent, you raise your child

You are going right thing by putting you first - sorry to hear about your diagnosis

My other children are more understanding of how things are for me atm and don’t put demands upon me. I still help them when and where I can but in a different way to before.

I’ve walked on eggshells for years. We all have to be honest. She says I didn’t give her enough attention as a child and that’s why she acted up as a teen (she was a handful to say the least). I’ve apologised for the fact she feels that way but my youngest child who’s incidentally still early teens and living at home with me, well she’s had serious health problems herself as a young child and is ASD. I had to spend a lot of time in hospital with her. Her care needs were pretty big. My other children understood and mucked in, this daughter stomped her feet and demanded she came first. I’m not even kidding.

She’s now hinting I either tow the line and do more for her or I’m not seeing my grandchild

Uy, apologizing for anybody else's feelings is very invalidating

All you can do us set up boundaries and know that not everything can be fixed

Threats may not become reality

Invalidating for the other party, a faux apology

There is a thread on here about estrangement, that has been running for a long time (years, in fact)

It is to support people who are teetering on the edge, or fully estranged, and is a lifeline to those who need an understanding ear.

Would that be any help to you, do you think?

I wouldn’t consider it a faux apology I really am sorry if she ever felt that I wasn’t there enough for her. But I was there as much as I could. And I’ve told her this over and over. But I’m still getting bashed over the head with it unfortunately

MissAdventure

There is a thread on here about estrangement, that has been running for a long time (years, in fact)

It is to support people who are teetering on the edge, or fully estranged, and is a lifeline to those who need an understanding ear.

Would that be any help to you, do you think?

Thanks I’ll take a look x

I've just posted on it, so it should be easier for you to find.

Forlornlorna Your DD should have arranged her own childcare when she continued to work she sounds very entitled to say the least.
Please don't feel guilty you need to be kind to yourself you have done your child caring days and done it well.

I'm sick to death of reading about entitled adults who treat their parents in such an appalling way, while emotionally blackmailing them with the grandchildren. I'm truly sorry Lorna your going through this, stop apologizing, you did your best,that's all of us can do. She should appreciate you and all your efforts and help in the past,and look towards helping you. Best of luck ,I know it isn't easy

My husband has MS so I fully understand what you are experiencing. Unless someone has first hand knowledge it's difficult to get to grips with this condition. The problem is that you don't have a choice in the matter and your daughter can only see things from her perspective. See if you can get some information from the MS society and give her something to read. However it's not really likely that she will suddenly become more empathetic. You have to be kind to yourself and hope that your daughter eventually comes to terms with the change of circumstances.

It depends on the grands here. We are fortunate to live within an hour of all our kids so we are able to visit the gc regularly. We probably see them all a few times a month and that seems enough time to feel close and enjoy them without stepping onto parents toes. We try to go a big family dinner once a month and I make it out to sports games , or sit for a date night , or join in (invited) to a trip to the park etc for each set .

Only have two, living about 30 minutes drive away. Did regular childcare fir 11 years but now dont see them as often as I would like, which includes wanting to see my dd. They are always busy busy. 11 and 9 so not teenagers yet so will only get worse.....

11 GC, spread all over the country. I never do childcare, visit when my job/ other commitments allow. My kids are all ok with the arrangement.

We have 8 grandchildren ranging from 18 years down to 1 year - I have recently been made redundant and was fortunate to be able to take early retirement and now look after the youngest grandson part time three days a week, we also look after two grandsons after school two days a week, give them their tea and keep them until they are collected by Mum or Dad - they have a sister who will join them at school next year. We have helped out during the school holidays as well.
It's early days yet but already we are finding ourselves with GCs 4 days a week - neither of us retired with the intention of looking after children for as much time as if we had been at work.
So we now need to have a discussion with our adult children - not expecting it to be easy but ground rules have to be laid down or resentment can build up. You have health issues which affect your ability to safely look after your grandchildren - we too have health issues but can manage them for the present but if we felt safety was compromised in any way - we would stop straightaway .
There is no way that you are being selfish - and to be honest we have different relationships with all the grandchildren because of various relationship breakdowns. Given the age differences between all the children - it's not surprising. Our 18 year old GC was looked after by her Great Grandparents who sadly are no longer with us but we were both working full time and unable to help but we have lovely relationship with her.
The next two are teenagers and well able to fend for themselves but Mum refused contact and as their dad is off to the USA - I can't see that changing in the immediate future.
The two boys were cared for mainly by DiLs parents but we feel that they have had enough and consequently now all three GCs are farmed out to whoever will have them - I suspect they don't particularly like us even though we always saw them regularly but the other GP's will do anything for a quiet life which has made the GCs a bit brattish which we won't tolerate.
So as you can see a broad spectrum of typical family relationships we have to deal with. Ultimately you must do what is right for you and don't be browbeaten or made to feel guilty.
The wonderful thing about GCs is that when they go home however much you love them - you can heave a sigh of relief when you get your home and peaceful existence back!!

This isn't really a thread about how often we see our grand children, because as we know there is no 'norm'. Even in similar family set-ups one family can be happy with one pattern and another resentful.

What this thread is about is a selfish and self centred daughter who is bullying her mother.

We are all a random genetic mix of both our parents and while one combination of genes will produce a child who is everything we could hope for, another pairing brings a child that is devious, criminal and violent. Not that this is happening in this case.

I can only think of one way of dealing with it and that is stand up to her. Remind her firmly and quietly about the illness you have. possibly offe her some Guides to it, or websites. Then tell her that it is not possible for you to provide her with the childcare she requires and that you will not risk your life and further ill health to provide it. If she threatens estrangement do not succumbe to this black mail - emotional blackmail but blackmail all the kind.

Do you want to spend the next 10 years with your life in agony for fear your daughter will walk away from you. Personally, I would always choose to take the risk, if she doea estrange herself, the worry and pressure off you may do wonders for your health.

As others say. You have to decide whether to be firm with your daughter, and stick to it and take the risk of estrangement or spend all your life worrying and fearing what your daughter may do next, which will only damamge your health and possibly damage your relationship with your other children.

Forlornlorna

Thanks for replying.

Her vision of being a grandmother is to help her bring her baby up. Over night babysitting, childminding, taking her away. Her own grandmother (my mil) saw her on Sundays for dinner. So I don’t know where she’s getting this idea that I’m lacking

You're not lacking. You must care for your health.

I now have 2 grandchildren. 7years & 10 months . I worked for myself when my DGS was born and his mum needed a LOT of support so I was with him daily and had him 3-4 nights a week. My bond with him is strong and I love him very
Much , although now I don’t see much of him maybe 2 x a month or when we take him away for a week each year. My DGD is 10 months I have seen her 5 times and it’s mostly because I now work compressed hours 5 days in 4 and don’t have the same time to devote to her , also her mama is very capable and doesn’t need me as much. I get regular photo videos and updates however I almost grieve the bond I want with her , my sons (their daddies) are totally ok with the reduced contact there is no drama no reason other than logistics and time , they live 15 miles away and I dont drive. I also now care for my mother so any spare time I might of had is taken up making sure she’s ok and has all she needs. I have to say I am knackered most of the time.

My mother only ever had my children once or twice a year.. we lived 15 minutes away from each other. Mum was always firm, unless I’m working, I didn’t need a baby sitter. I thought I was going to be the same when my GS arrived… How wrong was I!
I love the little man and I see him 1-2 times a week and do overnights also..
I have made it clear though that I am happy to have my GS if I don’t have any other commitments.

I also think it is not about the GC here though.. Your daughter is definitely angry about something. Have you tried family counselling?