Hello Gran2and3. Over the 11 plus years I've been here on GN and during that time a couple of other online forums for estranged parents, two things I have read have stayed with me.
The first is reluctant acceptance. As much as we wish that things were different, that our estranged adult child(ren) would relent and come back into our lives, there comes a point where we have to accept that it's at best extremely unlikely and at worse, never going to happen.
The second, is an estranged mother referring to 'the hope devil'. Has there ever been an EP who hasn't repeated to themselves that well known mantra that 'where there's life there's hope'? I doubt it.
Sadly, when it comes to estrangement life doesn't for many equate with hope which is why it's often referred too as a living bereavement. We grieve for the loss of our child(ren) and try to cope with our bereavement for someone still living.
What you're experiencing with your son is very low contact. The occasional calls, gifts and cards are maintaining a tenuous parent/child link. For whatever reason, he is not ready to sever all contact so is staying in touch from a distance and in a way that gives him total control over the method and frequency.
That cannot be easy for you .
Your daughter on the other hand appears to have stopped all contact, and having had so much regular contact with her in the past, I don't have to imagine how devastating that is; I know.
I'm assuming that when your son calls, you talk and accept the cards and gifts he send. Do you send cards and gifts to him, your GC and his partner? Letting go of the hope that at some point in the future you will be involved in his and his families life, is not writing him off.
Similarly, having tried to reach out to your D which I'm sure you've done but still getting nothing back, letting go of the hope that things will change, that she'll get in touch is not writing her off.
Letting hope go enables you to live your life, to have a life and we owe it to ourselves and to those we share our lives with and who love us to do what Whiff has put so well, to live our lives and to just exist .