Really confused on how to proceed with my adult child

I’ve been trying to call distress lines and parenting lines. Still I’m left to decide how to proceed with this situation. My adult child’s father is one of my abuser. He convinced our adult child to move to a city I left due to safety reasons and severe trauma. My adult child moved there knowing I didn’t feel safe in this location. They wanted to work and try a relationship with both of us after being raised by my parents.

Years ago for safety/legal reasons I asked for their help , then when I tried to get my child back they were prepared to fight me about it in court. (A decision I think they thought was in the best interest of my child). I understood it to a point but would of been nice to continue trying to navigate being a mother on my own at this point. I was capable of telling them i felt if there was another reason to have help . A lawyer told me I’d lose all my rights into court to them , to just do what they said to see my kid. I did the best I could and maybe not enough but eventually accepted the situation.

I couldn’t depend on the father because I didn’t trust him due to the severe abuse I encountered before, during , after my pregnancy . Also my dog I had to remove from the home because the dog wasn’t safe either.

I had contact with him briefly since adult child moved here to mediate and ended up receiving a threat again. This time he jokingly told me he’d kidnap me , force himself on me , get me pregnant, keep me tied up. He’s attempted kidnapping me before and has controlled my movements previously. So I don’t take it as a joke .

I didn’t call the police because I just don’t believe the police will ever help me. Also cause my adult child is pursuing a relationship with him and cause I’m scared for our lives. I’ve been exploited by multiple men and women sexually since the age of 17 , the police could of helped me at 17 , and left me in what they referred to as a pimp controlled area. I have other reasons to feel distrust with the police but this one stands out the most to me.

I also feel scared for my life to stand up to anyone who has hurt me and feel defence lawyers will rip me apart in court . I have blank memory in some places and I don’t remember dates or times of everything. Also there is other men who last I encountered them were stalking me , or I have past abuse with them, confining me , controlling me, kidnapping my things/pet to force me into things , threatening my life , my family to make me do what they say, making me do things I don’t want to do to suit their own self while completely dehumanizing me .

There’s more then these people I discuss whom have hurt me but these I feel are my biggest worry first. This is just background information to help someone understand why I’m struggling so hard.

I’ve been out there to visit my adult child really only a few times since them moving there few years ago and only because I had a ride there , ride back the same day. I feel terrible due to our estrangement that I am expecting them to come to me a couple hours away to accommodate to the fact I go into complete distress at the thought of travelling to this city. I feel like a terrible mother and person. I want to find a happy medium but I’m worried to regret it because we’re put into some sort of danger.

These kinds of people were the reasons I ended up having to ask for help to my parents to begin with and have already caused our lives so much havoc. I’m scared they’ll try to hurt my adult child if they see them , then I’ll have to add that to the list of my failures to hear from my adult child and my family constantly. I’m scared to even see them by accident.

One is currently on release for murder and on the high risk offender list . Police know they will reoffend and will get violent in the community again. Quick to anger it says , even after all the time they spent in jail. Friends had hoped maybe they changed , but I don’t see any change in their behaviours, if anything I see them as worse.

Even just the thought of being there gives me anxiety and I’m struggling with heart issues that are worse when I’m stressed. When I discuss myself I’m told I’m selfish and making excuses. That I can make new memories there. I truly care for my adult child’s feelings and how all this has impacted their life then and now. I feel more horrible than anyone could imagine, now my trauma , is mixed in with how people perceive my care for my relationship with my adult child. I’m viewed as not making effort to go there and see them. To be fair it’s never mattered what effort I’ve made , I’ve always been this terrible person in their eyes. Maybe I am , but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m sure I deserve much of this , that’s why I try so hard to just take it, I don’t fight it anymore, with my health I don’t even have the strength anymore.

It’s just hard to move forward and be productive when I’m always self wallowing , it’s hard to not feel depressed when no one can move forward. I’ve already told my adult child I don’t want to go there and why . I may have left out the sexual exploitation part but that is very personal to me . I’ve given enough horrid details to my adult child to try to help them understand.

Now they’re asking me again to go for holidays. I want to believe I’ll be okay but I’m scared . I feel so much distress to go , I want to just do what they say in hopes that maybe they’ll see that I care , but once will turn to wanting me to do it often, then what if my fears come true , what if we do get hurt , maybe we won’t see anyone , maybe we will be okay. I’m just so lost on what to do. It’s such a complex situation in my mind , I’m trying to seek help , but it’s so hard to get answers in one day. Theres no easy answer.

I don’t even know if I did everything that’s in my adult child’s mind to make things better, if it would matter anyways. When they or my parents speak with me , the energy is always contempt/resentment. It’s a quick how are you that doesn’t feel genuine , just to move onto a topic of how they feel about me , something that will make me depressed again.

The years of stress feels endless , I struggle with mentally getting past alot that has happenedI just don’t have money for top of the line therapy, I have blanks of what happened , and don’t completely understand it myself , I struggle to share it.

I struggle to learn how it affects me as a mother . I know accountability has actions behind it but some things cost money and maybe not something one can just obtain.
It’s hard to communicate when I’m blamed for me being selfish and making excuses. Much of the time I’m answering questions directed about me too. So the answer may involve me . I feel the days things are good are the rare times I can send money. Which is odd to me. Why it feels the only way I’ll be good enough for anyone is if I’m stable and can provide whatever . Of course I want that but I just don’t have it like that right now.

I try to keep in mind they have a younger mind and it’s a lot for them to process. Just many days nothing feels enough, it’s hard to take responsibility for me , then also I get the blunt end of the dads short comings too. I try not to feel upset myself for them pursuing a relationship with someone whom has done so much to me and recently threatened me. I try to separate that . I try to not feel angry that I can’t have a boundary and say no without having more thingd to challenge me being able to make steps to be a good mother. I want them to get through the pain I’ve caused , I don’t want to cause more. Just feels like there’s no way out.I can’t handle it anymore and it’s hard to hold on hope. That’s all I seem to do. Is keep dusting my knees off it feels like.

Really appreciate if you’ve read this far . Any suggestions or stories you can share would be great . Thank you . Merry Christmas happy holidays .