Estrangement sucks

Well, every time hope has been in the horizon, you and your wife have dashed it by refusing to meet up.

Agree with MissAdventure. Looks like "hated" dil has made various attempts to make contact, so it doesn't seem to be her fault.

Seems you and your wife chose estrangement.

Everyone has choices, some choose as you, not sure the purpose of your post. Perhaps more explanation would help.

Olive branch was extended so many times from the hated dil

I agree with other posters you chose to estrange

I agree as well, if I was the vile daughter in law I would give up on you both.

Don’t you and your wife want to see your grandchildren? No wonder your wife is depressed. She seems to be very ‘hard-hearted’. On the other hand, your ‘hated’ d.I.l. seems to be a lovely girl. Your son is a very lucky boy.

Why do you hate her? She's asked how you are (caring), given you updates on the kids (included you - note: your son didn't do this, she did), she's reached out to connect with you in person (has your son?). It sounds like she's made a good effort that hasn't been reciprocated because you only want a relationship with your son. Good on your son for not allowing you to exclude the closest person in his life. As for the DIL, she can rest easy knowing she has tried.

I think this is a troll post.

Well, it's not unheard of for parents to have unreasonable expectations of their darling offspring's partners.

Maybe some clarification will help. He was somewhat engaged to an absolutely wonderful girl whose family we were friends with. My wife adored her. He was heading into the US Navy and we were very proud of him. When we thought he was going to give her the ring, he instead broke up with her and moved out of state. We were devastated. Then we find out that 6 months later he is dating his now-wife and she already has a child- out of wedlock. My wife tried to help him see that our DIL was not the right one for him and that he could still come back but then he just stopped talking to us. He even chose to give her kid born out of wedlock his (our) last name legally and says he is “dad” to that kid as well as our own grandkids. His wife’s family helped him get a college degree a few years later so he could leave the navy but my wife’s father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIl influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle and our son can’t even see that he has done this to his mother- the woman who changed his diapers, fed him, and taught him the alphabet, etc.,, it’s like our opinions no longer matter. It hurts so much to be discarded like that.

I'd better not post anymore on here.

Except to say your wife sounds spoilt and self centred, and you sound as if you enable her.

Presumably he is in his 30s now
If his wife is still offering an olive branch, if I was you I'd take it and try to be a bit more open minded as time has passed and her family sound supportive of your son and grandchildren
It will be your loss if you don't

fishing4life

Maybe some clarification will help. He was somewhat engaged to an absolutely wonderful girl whose family we were friends with. My wife adored her. He was heading into the US Navy and we were very proud of him. When we thought he was going to give her the ring, he instead broke up with her and moved out of state. We were devastated. Then we find out that 6 months later he is dating his now-wife and she already has a child- out of wedlock. My wife tried to help him see that our DIL was not the right one for him and that he could still come back but then he just stopped talking to us. He even chose to give her kid born out of wedlock his (our) last name legally and says he is “dad” to that kid as well as our own grandkids. His wife’s family helped him get a college degree a few years later so he could leave the navy but my wife’s father and brother both served their whole career in various branches of the service and my son did not inform us of his decision to go to college. We feel certain DIl influenced that decision. It’s just been too much for my wife to handle and our son can’t even see that he has done this to his mother- the woman who changed his diapers, fed him, and taught him the alphabet, etc.,, it’s like our opinions no longer matter. It hurts so much to be discarded like that.

I'd have been hurt to be rejected by my parents because of the life choices I made. You have no right to expect him to live the life you want him to or choose his partner. If you hurt you have bought it on yourselves I'm afraid.
Hats off to your DIL who has shown what a wonderful person she is reaching out to you even though your son has chosen not to.

So what your saying, is: your son didn’t marry the girl you wanted. Plus, horror of horrors: she’s a single mother ?
Seems like she had a lucky escape avoiding you two.

MerylStreep

So what your saying, is: your son didn’t marry the girl you wanted. Plus, horror of horrors: she’s a single mother ?
Seems like she had a lucky escape avoiding you two.

she's been meeting them for 8 years with the biological grandchildren, it only stopped 2 years ago - she has actively encouraged a reconciliation

So your son broke his mothers heart for not following the life he wanted for him and marrying the girl you approved of?

As for your son giving his now wife's child his last name and be his father- that was amazing and a keeper

So bad you cannot see and appreciate how wonderful your son is

Why do you hate your DiL?

Also, why is she reaching out to you when you're the ones hating on her?

Why do you allow your hatred of your DiL to quench your love for your GC?

Do you know why your son wants nothing to do with you?

I don't really understand your mindset but it sounds to me like you want contact with your son or no one.

Your DIL has done her best to reunite you with your son , clearly she is flogging a dead horse! You chose the woman you love so why shouldn't your son do the same. You have no jurisdiction over your son , he is a man in his own right so I suggest you respect that fact. GROW UP the pair of you.

Also , you should be very proud of your son for being a father to his wife's child and for giving the child his name. How good is that !? Wow, that is wonderful and it's time you recognized that.

We see no point in having a relationship with her without our son. The grandkids- well We would welcome the grandkids if our son came back. We just can’t get our son back and it’s hurtful being ignored by him.

OP

This is your reality - you want something you cannot have

May I ask why you are posting?

There hasn't been such a fixable estrangement case reported in this board and many grandparents would love to be in your shoes

What a controlling dominating pair you sound. Your DIL has tried a lot harder than I would have in the same circumstances. She’s to be commended. And I admire your son, carving out his own life’s path with his chosen supportive wife. He sounds as if he has made a success of his life, and marriage, can’t you at least celebrate that. We raise children to equip them to fly, if their flight includes parents that is to be treasured, but parents that speak as you do, I’m not at all surprised your son remains at distance.

If someone no matter who offers an olive branch give them a chance life is too short. You must want your grandchildren to know you and remember you don't you? We get one chance at this life stop living in the past it's exactly that. Circumstances change and don't always turn out as we want we just have to accept it.

I agree with the other posters upthread. Your DIL appears to have made repeated attempts to mend fences and offer news of your grandchildren. You also appear to have some old fashioned ideas about children "born out of wedlock". Even my grandmother, who was born in the Victorian era, did not hold such opinions.