8 things we should avoid saying to an estranged child.

Very true list.

Especially " you only have one mother"
My reply? "Please feel free to take her home with you as you like her so much, enjoy!"

Good list!

That is an interesting list.

I am supporting a mother who has estranged herself from her daughter because of very very serious financial abuse. She has been told on numerous occasions "But you only have one daughter" ...."You will regret this, daughters are precious!!" and similar!

I am truly not mentioning this in a "Oh but it happens to EPs too" way or to undermine the EAC experience in anyway atall ...in case it comes over like that. I just think how telling it is that some people's instincts are to prioritise the familial relationships over the actions, the same in the list above presumably. The people who have said that to her are from all generations, I'm not sure that approach is a generational thing.

Either way it's hard!

Thank you for sharing your perspective Madgran

I am sure it happens to both sides, madgran.

The pressure of society to conform to rules is strong

Query: how do you say anything to a person you are estranged from?

Estrangement means you are no longer on speaking terms, doesn't it?

grandtanteJE65

Query: how do you say anything to a person you are estranged from?

Estrangement means you are no longer on speaking terms, doesn't it?

Things we should avoid saying to any estranged child we might meet...

The pressure of society to conform to rules is strong

Yes I think that is true, there is pressure to "conform" to perceived "rules". What I find interesting is that even when one party really has not "conformed to perceived rules" ( in the case I mentioned, carried out very serious financial abuse) some people still tend towards other "perceived rules" as taking priority.

Ofcourse there is so much emotion involved, and making that decision to estrange leaves so much to work through doesn't it. When that comment above is said, I think people just don't allow for that emotion or maybe they are trying to use it to get the estranged to "change their mind" - probably unconsciously - so that they feel comfortable that "the rules" are being followed. I don't want to spoil the discussion on the thread by "theorising", it's just that I think the possible reasons behind the things that people might say to an estranger can possibly inform the verbal response to such statements maybe? Not discounting the emotional response which will happen, as I have definitely observed and supported on, with the mother I am supporting.

Things said can be intended as a criticism or to encourage further discussion, more thought or out of genuine confusion by the person doing the asking, because they have no experience of estrangement.

I agree about pressure to 'conform to perceived rules' and that can come from within ourselves just as much as it can from societies expectations.

I shared the article to educate others about how these things are perceived by estranged children.

Once we know better we can do better

Estrangement hurts both parties, I would imagine. Estranger and estranged.

Perhaps we need a list of what to say, or not say, to both sides.?

Sadly expected

It does Diamond Lily. But if I go back again to the case I mentioned .... I struggle to think what to say to the person who has been estranged because of very serious financial (and in fact emotional) abuse, apart from "Accept your mother's decision, she is protecting herself!"

Now when it comes to EAC who have estranged because of abusive childhoods, years of trying etc I think that in the end that I would say the same to the parent they have estranged. "Your child is protecting themselves! Accept it"

When it comes to EAC who appear to have estranged because of, say, a third party, being in a potentially coercive/abusive relationship themselves, well the comments would be different and rightly so.

I still think that the list VS posted gives insight for consideration on how comments might be perceived by EAC, although EAC are not an amorphous mass of same thinking people, as evidenced on this site, just as EPs are also not an amorphous mass! It's interesting and informative to think about the nuances of this particularly for me at the moment for a number if reasons including the case I mentioned above

No we certainly aren't all the same...

These sorts of things actually don't bother me that much and I will generally patiently explain why it doesn't work or wouldn't be possible or even how I might feel when my mother does die...

That doesn't mean I don't recognise it as invalidating though and I take great pains not to invalidate others feelings.

I think grandtanteJE65 makes a very good point!

No matter what's said, by either side and to either side, emotions are so raw, it's best to say nothing. Anything said is so frequently taken out of context and misconstrued, it's a minefield for everyone.

I'm honestly not sure if saying "Your EAC is protecting themselves. Accept it!" ..or "Your EP is protecting themselves. Accept it" is invalidating or not really. If they then explained why they didn't accept it, gave reasons why it was wrong etc ofcourse I would listen and acknowledge how they feel but I think probably come back to that original statement.

Anyway thanks again for posting that list, I hope people find it useful to think about

Possibly Chewbacca if we are able to get messages through to an estranged person, avoiding these things would be helpful.

Also for other family members who think they are helping and trying to save the relationship, these would be best avoided.

Madgran no one could doubt that the relationship between patent and child is so important, especially for the child.

So after thinking about it this list is probably so important when the relationship starts to wobble and could even help prevent estrangement at all?

Chewbacca

I think grandtanteJE65 makes a very good point!

No matter what's said, by either side and to either side, emotions are so raw, it's best to say nothing. Anything said is so frequently taken out of context and misconstrued, it's a minefield for everyone.

Yes, in the end, people, on all sides, must do what's best for them.

No one else knows the full circumstances, both sides want to make their point, so it's best not to give too much of an opinion or get too involved.?

Just listening is probably key...

Like in discussion, simply listening and acknowledging what has been said before speaking shows the other party that you respect their feelings and needs rather than just wanting to push your own views

Just listening is probably key...
Like in discussion, simply listening and acknowledging what has been said before speaking shows the other party that you respect their feelings and needs rather than just wanting to push your own views.

Do you mean like just sitting, listening, nodding along in agreement; but saying nothing?

listening and acknowledging what has been said before speaking

Sorry, that's a quote from my comment you replied to Chewbacca