Anyone else waiting for a very elderly abusive parent to go?

sounds like it.
if she is well cared for, no money worries, health ok, what is the burden of your involvement.
can't you just send her a card occasionally if you want to keep in touch.
you don't have to actually do anything for her, do you.
you sound annoyed that she is using her money as she wishes.
if you are in financial need, have you thought of requesting a loan/gift from her, after explaining why you are in difficulties.
otherwise, just leave her to live her life, and you yours.

If she was neglectful and abusive did you ever confront her about it? It sounds as if she has a cosy life and the means for herself in her surroundings.
Why can you not walk away and concentrate on your own family? You need not have a guilty conscience what has she given you besides misery. You are not bitter or materialistic you just question what you did to deserve the treatment you got. Live your own life and let her live hers as she so wishes in her selfish world.

Did you continue contact for the inheritance? It doesn’t sound as though she needed you. You have walked away now so work on forgetting about her.

Difficult i know & awfully hard to deal with these emotions
Because you are a good caring soul it bothers you pls remember that
Might it help talking to an outsider? I was too proud
I decided in the end that Love conquers all type of thing. Nobody is perfect no, but when you are hurt underneath it hard to deal with emotions think mum daughter the hardest
Hope you can find a route to not let this effect you bitterly maybe write it down and ad ‘but from now on I’m going to …..
I ended up rising above it and remembering better times
It becomes a habit then

Apologies if on wrong tact for you but beats getting bitter
We’re each different
Iv got unresolved issues/hurts but know I dont want to cut ties yes some days it catches me out but let’s say it’s diluting over time
Most important thing is to feel free
Sorry if rambled
TC

It doesn't sound as though your mother has done much for you in the past so it's unlikely she will in the future.
You owe an abusive parent nothing so don't let her carry on spoiling your life.

Yes your mum could live til 100 or more, or not. No one knows. Live your life and stop counting what she spends, it’s hers to do with as she wishes.

…ps. Need to be able to live with yourself at end of day. It’s like doing soul searching thing
…Think once in their nineties many have changed personalities anyway with dementias i know folk who step away from their parents as it’s too hard to carry it on, and they hadn’t issues, its finding your own tolerance level I guess like above send a pretty card maybe go once every few weeks ? whatever works. …My mum used to say I never went ! but I was there every three days so didn’t take it personally in the end
I guess you don’t want to confront a negative response to an inheritance I guess it’s complicated
All best wishes

You are simply trying to inderstand your feelings. Your feelings arebdriven by fear, obligation and guilt. Here is an article that explains it better than I can

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt#:~:text=FOG%20%2D%20Fear%2C%20Obligation%20%26%20Guilt%20%2D%20The%20acronym%20FOG%2C,suffers%20from%20a%20personality%20disorder.

This is why people stay in abusive relationships and why they struggle with negative feelings around a parent.

With your feelings about inheritance, I made the conscious decision i want nothing. With a good and loving parent, it would not have bothered me had they left me nothing because they spent it on living happily. With an abusive parent, thinking about the idea that they could give you inheritance might be the only good thing that came from the relationship, the only expression they gave that they actually did care for you and your future. Because that is not the case, anything I recieved I would view as damages owed.

The truth with an abusive parent is that they often do leave you nothing whether they have it or not. Or they leave you less than others. Or they leave some sort of guilt trip in the form of a memory box or a letter that gives them the last word. This can come even when you maintain contact and guve excellent care from many stories I have read.

Its time for you to work on healing you. Your mother is well looked after. You arent in a situation where you need or want to step in to find care for her.

You owe her nothing.

As well as being understandably angry that your mother was abusive and neglectful, you also sound resentful of the amount of money she's spending on her care, but it's her money to do with as she wishes.

If the prospect of an inheritance is the only reason you remain in contact then this may be the time to walk away and get on with your own life.

You know you've been both generous and kind so there's nothing to reproach yourself for so maybe you should ask yourself if it's worth carrying on just for financial gain, that may not come your way anyway.

If this is the only reason you remain in contact then for your own sake walk away. No amount of money is worth it.

So what is your involvement with your mum now ?
She sounds happy and well looked after without you around do you visit her too often can you cut down
I think you really need to stop wishing for her end you ll feel bad when it happens even if you’re not close it ll still hit you and wishing her a speedy death won’t make it happen any quicker just manage visits and things to suit you

I see two separate things here
1. Older generations had much more trouble standing up by themselves against abuse, dna still was a card out of jail

Your mother installed the guilt button in you, for her own benefit.

As an adult, it is your job to uninstall it and choose you, without remorse.

You do not owe her anything and you know how she is.
She hasn't changed in 96 years, why expect a miracle now?

2. No judgment with this question: why are you expecting inheritance?
It is her money and she will spend it as she wishes.
I understand the source of your resentment.

So, break free, expect nothing from her and enjoy life.

You can do it

I would be cross too. Just keep minimal contact, that way you minimise personal hurt but still keep contact which you will be proud of later, some people, whatever age they are can be very hurtful

Maybe find a good therapist who can help you through this to process your feelings and find a way to move onwards without guilt or angst.

Munx5”
How are you materialistic? I don’t think so. You have been very generous and caring to a mother that let you down badly. I would phone and maybe visit once a month if she not too far away. The main thing is she is having the best of care, more than you ever had. It’s to your credit you have looked after her so long but start and be kind to yourself.

Do what you want to do and live your life.

Only you can know what is the right thing, for you and her.

Take what you want, says God, and pay for it, (and I don't mean that judgementally.)

A number of posters have made the point that 'it's her money to do with as she wishes.' It's not a POV I agree with. Perhaps her late husband earned some of the money and would have liked to see it go to his only daughter. Shouldn't his wishes be taken into account? Likewise, people can leave all their money to charity if they wish (I understand not in all countries), but it would be a terrible irony if this left their own family short and in need of help. Money is rarely all earned by one individual, one way or another, and I think wider family considerations should be taken into account than one person's possibly selfish wishes.

Mum 5x. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this.

There hasn't been a good relationship and yet you have felt duty bound to engage with your mother. It might be really hard to see her apparently enjoying life whilst you are left with the difficult feelings that come from childhood neglect and abuse.
Difficult feelings from childhood never really go away and often just get buried unless a person has actively worked with them and felt the pain and moved on. It sounds like they may be (re)surfacing now.

I think, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, people do, usually at a subliminal level, always hope that the love that was never given may one day be shown, and that could keep you locked into the relationship, but from what you describe it sounds like that is not going to happen.

Any therapist would tell you to look after yourself ,first and foremost, create the boundaries that keep you feeling emotionally safe and don't put yourself in any position to be hurt over again and that may mean accepting that it's too late and detaching from your mother for your own wellbeing. You don't need anyone else's permission. Do what you feel is right for you.

I don't think you are materialistic... I think the money that you think might not come may have something to do with the love that wasn't given?

I’ve noticed a lifetime of unpleasantness seems to guarantee a long life. And I’ve also noticed that the less you have to do with an unpleasant close relative then the more likely you are to be mentioned in the will.

I think I understand what you mean, OP. I have a friend in a similar position with a mother who's a classic narcissist. Dreadful woman. Her mother is in this country and so there's still some pressure on her to be involved in her care. Like you, her mother has gone on and on and is now out of it with Alzheimers and the care home acknowledge that there's not much point my friend visiting.

She has said that her mum might as well be dead, but she won't be able to feel truly free of her until she gets the news that she has actually died. At which point I suspect she'll be devastated. I think those of us fortunate enough to have mothers who put us first can find it difficult to understand how difficult it can be to sever the mental and emotional bond with an abusive parent. I suspect one always hopes, up till the last breath, for an apology or an acknowledgement — even though one knows it will never come. Good luck to you, OP. Horrible situation for you.

*2. No judgment with this question: why are you expecting inheritance?
It is her money and she will spend it as she wishes.
I understand the source of your resentment*

I don't know a single caring, loving parent who hasn't want to leave something to their children in the hope that their lives and the lives of grandchildren might be a little more pleasurable/ easier. I know people who don't have children who've left money to charities and to friends' children and lump sums to friends who've not been lucky in life because they know it will make life that bit more comfortable.

Money left in a will is a symbol of love and concern. In my book the parent who has plenty to spare and decides to spend it all on themselves is publicly telling the world how little they care about others.

I wasn’t waiting for my mother to die and I supported her until she did at the age of 101, but it was a huge burden gone when she did and I didn’t mourn her.
She was just not a nice woman, she was quite emotionally cold and thought I should look after her as I was told over and over again that she had done to me after my father died when I was 11.
I was reminded of all the sacrifices she made for me and how it had impacted on her.
I was expected to be her belonging for ever.I married at age 21 and three weeks as she would not give her consent.
She expected that she should live with me and my H.
After my first child was born she looked for jobs for me so that she could move in and look after her.
After a year of this we moved just 60 miles to be freer.
On many occasions she would turn up with a suitcase and announce she had come for a stay.
Once she had spent half a day in my Nextdoor neighbour’s as I was out for the day, that was so awkward and embarrassing
She never altered.
I would never have estranged as I could not have lived with that decision
I was 69 when she died and I felt free for the first time

Oh such a lot I recognise on this thread.

I would never have estranged as I could not have lived with that decision.

Yes annsixty that is how I feel. I have managed to cut my visits down as I used to go every day, because she expected no less. It was only with support from people on this forum that I managed to cut down the number of visits. But I could never estrange her. I, like you, was made to feel guilty and responsible for her, even when I was just a child. She was horrible to me as a teenager, and when I got married, she tried to split us up. The things she said about my husband are unprintable. She was very jealous of the love he showed me and criticised both me and him constantly. She told him he didn’t have to, and shouldn’t buy presents for me. She criticised my home and our parenting.

I agree with Margotlefbetter that money left in a will is a gift of love. My Dad left myself and sister some money in his will. After he died she refused to give it to us, saying we’d ‘only rid it.’ It’s in a trust now which cannot be dissolved until she dies.

OP you have done everything you can. When you have had a childhood and adulthood ruined by a selfish, controlling parent, any money left over that you inherit would feel like a little something for you after all the abuse you have unjustifiably had to put up with through the whole of your life.

annsixty and maddyone, I'm moved by your stories. You both deserved so much better.

Thankyou Margot