If the younger generation have Mummy Porn.....

She helped him gently off the stair lift and onto his zimmer

notso,
That is the funniest thing I have read in ages, anywhere.
Can hardly type from laughing.

With a rheumy glint in his eye, he reached one gnarled old hand towards her pendulous bosom....

Casting her blouse aside as they crossed the landing.

'I always did like melons', he murmured.

johanna, the real book makes me laugh, it's SO badly written! That's what made me think we could do better. It doesn't have to flow or follow on, just little unrelated snatches of mature erotic writing.

She eases the zimmer through the bedroom door. Gazing deep into his eyes.

But it is really Mr. Beige, Ana asked herself. I don't have my glasses on. Or is it that very sexy Mr.Ecru from next door who has been gazing at me longingly each time I see him? I know I left the back door unlocked as I couldn't find the key (no glasses). .........

Oh but I know fom the feel of this little wizened thing it's not ecru! His is bigger!

Could we perhaps have a ménage-a-trois once I've found my glasses and located Mr.Beige as well.....??

Following Mr Beige's instructions, Ana tied herself to the bedpost with his thrombosis stockings. He leered at her longingly. 'You love it don't you?' he cried 'You love being at my mercy!' 'I do master' said Ana submissively, too scared to tell him that she liked being tied to the bed because it stopped her falling on the floor in the night when she got leg cramps.

I'm sorry my darling, she sighed, as she gazed myopically into his cataract stricken eyes!

I relly do think we ought to go to spec savers!

Or perhaps not, she thought, as she gazed at his truncated love-truncheon..

With me tied up! She cried, how am I going to be able to get you on top of me as you are too feeble to do it on your own?
(should we get M Ecru to help?)

He said you know that's not the position I prefer.

Avast! cried Mr Beige as he threw a peanut in the direction of his parrot. (Sorry, wrong genre. Just love the Depp chap) I'll not have that neutral, neutered, bland Ecru man-handling you!

But I'm tied up! What other position is there?
(where's my copy of the Kama sutra? )

Hold on Ana cried. I can't drink my Horlicks while I'm tied up like this and you haven't had your pills........

'Aha' cried Mr Beige (then had a coughing fit and had to grope around to find the commode...) 'Aha! I have thought of this already and have had that young whippershnapper Ginger fix up a contraption that will launch me upon you - if I can just get this elastic hoist in the right position...ouch!'

Sutra!!

You can't get DLA for help with sex unless it involves a third person to facilitate. It also has to repeated or prolonged.

Do you mean my Viagra?, Mr.Beige whispered. You know you don't need those she purred......

'Who's she? Another of your aged floozies?' queried Ana, querulously..

'We're getting all behind here!' said the Director