Social Interaction these days

The question is not insulting.

Never had been, never will be.

But if you were worried about it "on parle français?" would have worked.

It would not have been insulting to ask where she was from - it was established on another long thread that it's absolutely fine to ask that question, out of interest, but I'm sure what you wouldn't have done is to ask her where she was 'really' from had she said she was from France.

I'm sure we all know the difference.

I think I may have said "your accent sounds French" people are often quite happy to talk about where they're from, I remember having such a conversation with a new dentist a few years ago, albeit with intervals of my mouth being wide open, I think I said something along the lines of "I'm trying to place your accent" to which she responded with "go on then, because not everyone gets it first time" I didn't either. I think unless you detect a reticence people generally are happy to talk about where they are from , without the person asking then pursuing that line of questioning to the enth degree.

Nothing wrong to ask where someone is from - but then to accept their reply. Also nothing wrong wrong in talking to them in French, if you are able and you think (or they say) that is where they are from.

If this girl had a white skin and talked the same, would you have been so worried about asking her where she came from?

I don’t think it is insulting to ask where someone is from, especially when it is obvious that they are not local, asking for directions. That gives you an opening. As does the accent.

If asked where I am from, I don’t know where to start. I was born in A, where my parents and all my relatives came from, but grew up in B, spent most of my adult life in C, finally moved to D, not far from B. People don’t normally want my life story when they ask where I am from, but it does help to explain my mixture of accents.

It's possible you did just the right thing notgran. For all we know, she might have been thoroughly fed up with people asking that question and very grateful you weren't about to try and label her, instead had a genuine encounter with you and enjoyed it.

There's no getting around it -there are circumstances where it might be entirely appropriate, even necessary, but we don't know that person's previous experiences, and it is used at times as a racist trope. I've found at our multi-cultural gym there are those who offer the information themselves when communication is an issue, others dont.

if you ask someone where they're from, that's what you mean. You don't want their family tree information from back in the day

One poor young women at the gym in the sauna was asked that question and clearly didn't want to answer but did in the end. Poor lass was from Russia, and had had a lot of flack, when in fact she appeared only too glad to have escaped, but DIDNT want to talk about it.

I will continue to ask where someone is from but I do understand your concern notgran.
If someone is looking to be offended like the lovely Ngosi then you’re in trouble!

notagran.

Do not be taken in by the people who are trying to make out we all have to walk on eggshells. Its mischievous and it's stirring the pot.

Ask what you like. Just don't harangue people you've only just met about their racial background, which I'm sure you wouldn't do.

I don't think it is the question that was insulting but how it was said that caused the problem.

volver

The question is not insulting.

Never had been, never will be.

Correct.

I am white and am aware that over my lifetime I will have made remarks that now would be considered insulting but then were mainstream

My parents use to use expressions like "coloured" and "half caste" which made me cringe. However other than remarking that these espressions were no longer considered accetable I would not have continually corrected them.

Fashions in terminology change. Now we have the right on woke brigade telling us that white people should be ashamed of their ancestors. Asking someone for a recipe from their culture or admiring how a black person braids their hair is a "micro aggression" or some such balderdash.

Mixing with people now (especially in accademia and the coporate world) is like treading barefoot on broken glass. Its not surprising that some people choose to hold themselves aloof from mixing in this confusing and toxic society.

the woke brigade.

Nobody should feel they are "treading on broken glass". Just don't insult folk, it's really not confusing. And if you inadvertently do, find out why they felt insulted, apologise and learn for next time.

And also to remember that tolerance extends both ways.

My black work colleague uses the N word.
Could I go to our charity and say I’m offended ?

Yes, if you like. Nothing to stop you.

As she said her English wasn't good you could have asked if she spoke french, if that's a language you know.

As others said, it's okay to ask where someone's from as long as you accept their answer without quibbling.

I think we learn and adapt. I carefully ask people so as to not give offence. I might have said “Are you from France?” And if the young lady said she wasn’t I would have apologised - I’m so sorry you sounded French. I’m not very good with accents.
As she was looking for foreign exchange I don’t think she could have been mistaken as being local. I do this with anyone regardless of their colour or appearance. It’s about being polite and considerate.

Notgran

You were kind, helpful and respectful... and you could have asked where she was from...

Thank you everyone for your responses. Just to clarify, I am just super aware now of what I can/should say to people and how it could be misinterpreted. This was literally a passing acquaintance and being aware that in the former French Colonies in Africa, people speak French I felt I mustn't ask where she was from. It is the first time I have ever felt uncomfortable regarding what I should and should not say to folk and in all sorts of circumstances I can be tactless so it may have been a good thing in helping me to focus on exactly what comes out of my mouth.

If I am chatting to an obvious foreign visitor, I always ask where they are from and then wish them an enjoyable stay in our country.
Whilst living in France, I was asked this question many times as my Scottish accent could be detected whenever I spoke French.
Didn’t bother me at all as people were interested in hearing about my country and my experience of living in theirs.
All done in a friendly manner.
According to my Zimbabwean Pilates teacher, she would have laughed and told the royal aide to mind her own business, end of.

At lunch we touched briefly on the Lady hussey thing ( no politics rule). We thought apart from anything else surely someone who had spent 60 odd years in “social” occasions should have quite simply had more awareness of good manners and known when to stop regardless of whether she thought Ms Fulani was being “difficult “