Support thread for unpaid carers

Citronella so sorry you are struggling along, I am sure years ago when I was caring for my mum there was a carer's group attached to the local hospital. How about a word with the GP (I know that isn't easy)

It's very hard isn't it Citronella I help to run courses for people caring for thos with a diagnosis of ant sort of dementia. I hope you are in contact with the Alzheimer's Society or who ever it is in you area. In our area Dementia Services are provided by AgeUk but it varies.

There is brilliant forum on the Alzheimer's Society website called Talking Point where you will get lots of advice and hints and tips from other Carer's.

You might be unpaid but are you /your mum getting all the benefits to which you are entitled. Check with AgeUk. Hopefully, you are claiming attendance allowance.

Hi @luluaugust. Yes I could try groups but it seems that local ones are catering to both the carers and the cared for together. I am looking for an escape?.
Did your mum have dementia? How long did you care for her?

Just to say I do understand how frustrating and difficult this is but Kitty gives you good advice. I contacted Alzheimer's too, and mum was able to go to one of their day centres once a week which helped.
I know you know but this is a terrible disease which changes people we knew and loved. It’s a hard road you travel but she is your mum. You will feel exhausted and get irritated but don’t beat yourself up. She can’t help it, accept any assistance or offers of help and try to set aside time for yourself.

Thanks kittylester . Yes we have AA and the financial aspect is not such an issue. I just feel like I am trying to be all things to all people (badly).

I will look at Alzheimer's society again re Talking Point.
My mum is 89 and has very limited mobility. Her 'normal' self has always been quite introverted preferring books and peace and quiet to people so I am not sure the noise of a group would work for her. The care/nursing home option is just one I can't contemplate at least not yet.
Silverlining48 have you been/are you going through this?

Yes I have, as have many on here so do understand just how difficult it is.
I still feel bad about an incident when I was impatient with my mum which made her cry.
It was a long time ago but when I picture it I try to heed my own advice by not beating myself up about it.
My mum died 9 years ago. I couldn’t cope and she spent her last few years in a nursing home where I visited regularly and though it wasn’t perfect it allowed me to concentrate on her without all the personal and other care which had exhausted me. I visited at different times and on different days and always listened and watched how other residents were spoken to/treated. Staff were kind and that was enough for me.
If your mum lives with you have you requested an assessment from social services? Having someone come in to do some of the washing/dressing jobs would take some of the weight from you.

Have you considered having some help at home from carers coming in?
My Dad soldiered on for far too long trying to be all things to my Mum. She said she didn't want carers and he went along with it, despite being exhausted himself.

In the end they had to agree as a condition of her being discharged from hospital after a fall, and it was a game-changer for both of them.
Talk to the adult social care team and see what they can suggest.

Crossed posts silverlining48!

Great minds V3ra.

Thanks silver and V3ra.
I get the crying and guilt bit. I do have an outside carer come in once a week for couple of hours, she is someone I know and who is a carer. She is lovely and patient and respectful to my mum.
I have just joined Talking Point so thank you for suggesting that kitty

Would music help your mum?

Have you had a visit from a Dementia Support Worker?

The reason I asked about AA is that your mum can spend it on getting help for you in the house or garden.

Music often works well with people with dementia.
AA is not means tested so worth looking into as it helps buy in a bit of care or equipment etc. to make life easier.

Moved to Missouri to help with grandkids one and 9 years. Mid April to end of October. Now daughter quit job to stay home with kid. Son-in-law needs us out to stay sane even though we moved cross country to help. Downstairs bedroom is ours. 4 bedroom house.
Should we feel used?

Just noticed your post OP .
Looking after elderly parents is a terrible strain .
It's gone 3.00 am and my father is rambling .
He was ansolutely fine this morning when I went shopping .

I had told one of my friends that I would be out and she called round banging and thumping on the front door and even calling through the letterbox as she always does .
I've asked her not to do it .
She's rather neurotic at the best of times .
It sent him into a panic .
He thought that a health professional had called .
He was terribly upset and his mood worsened as he's gone into one of his psychotic periods .
He's accused me of poisoning his food and called me a fiend .
He doesn't have dementia .
He has a long term mental condition which is like a form of schizophrenia .
It began about 60 years ago .

I managed a Carers Centre for some years; I completely understand how you feel.
Do you have a Carers Trust centre near you?
carers.org
They offer free advice, support and breaks from the caring role; described as ‘a life-saver’ by many. They will help with signposting and applying for benefits etc.