refusing to have a carers assessment

It must be awful to see how they are living, however, if people have mental capacity they can live their lives the way they wish.

There will come a time when they feel that help is needed. I think you should just ask every so often if they want anything arranged for them.

If you arrange services without telling them it could mean that they do not tell you of any future struggles.

As long as they can make their own decisions, there is nothing you can do.

I am sorry you have this worry and must be shocked yourself.

I don’t know if money is an issue but Attendance allowance i s payable immediately for terminal diagnoses this is a tax free amount for all, whatever their financial position.
If they don’t have this you may suggest they look into it or offer to request the paperwork yourself. The application is dated and AA paid from then however long it takes to arrange.
As his daughter you might consider contacting the gp.
Care giving is stressful and they will feel very cheated of the life they imagined, anger is understandable but it is very negative.
If they, or rather he, accepts help then information on anything else available will be given. They will find it hard coping with this alone. It is very sad.

I have filled out Attendance Allowance forms, they are still deciding whether to send them in. Money isn't a major issue at the moment.
Dad would welcome help its his wife who doesn't want anyone in house.
He has phoned me from hospital , where he is having chemo today, to ask me if he can come to mine, as he wants a divorce. Problem is he can't do stairs, we have steps from road to house then only upstairs toilet so it really isn't practical.
I will try and sit down with them and have, another, open and honest chat about how we cope in next weeks. I don't want to force them into a situation they are uncomfortable with but I also can't step up like they would probably want, I am about to get LPA as I am already dealing with all things financial.
I have finally got them to agree to a OT visit tomorrow, but then today his wife was planning to phone up and cancel it so not sure it is actually going to happen.

So sorry basicallygrace12, how sad your Dad rang to ask to stay with you. I do hope his wife hasn't cancelled the OT appointment and someone on the 'outside' can talk sense to her.

Oh dear. What a difficult situation.
Who does the house/flat belong to?
Do you have a spare room upstairs?
Could he come to you in the short term and then get help from a hospice .
You need help. What about ringing his gp and getting a referral to Macmillan.

Ohhhh this is so very, very sad, heartbreaking. All the stress and life change is causing a huge friction, your poor dad suffering like this and having to resort to asking if he can live with you, he has a terminal illness.

The only thing I can suggest is to be there for him. Its the shock, stress and upset that is causing all this anger, shouting and swearing. You say it is so out of character, it isnt them talking this way, its the situation that they now find themselves in, its the stress of it all.

They can have all the help in the world descend on their doorstep and all the money they could possibly need BUT that wont help the terrible stress and anger that is so evident in their home.

Your dads wife is still very raw with the situation they now find themselves in and i feel that she needs to talk to someone, be it you or whoever.

Your poor dad, his wife and poor YOU. Given that your dad has been told it is terminal, this whole situation at the moment is going to bring nothing but regret and regret has a stranglehold on peoples lives, now is the time to talk to your dad and his wife....

I so, so feel for you.. x

If your father is terminally ill and needs medical care he should qualify for the Continuing Health Care payments. If he is under the hospital for Chemo, it would be in his interests of him to speak to someone at the hospital who can arrange for an adult care Social Worker to help him decide his way forward.
One of the things that our Social Worker keeps saying to us about my Mum is that we need to get things in place so that we don't end up trying to sort things out when we are at crisis point. This may be something that you can say to your father's wife which might help. I think people worry about the fact that the person who does the assessment is a Social Worker and they have visions of busy bodies who will step in and make them do things or whip their loved ones off. In reality they are under such pressure that they haven't got the time to be looking for problems. However, they are brilliant at putting you in touch with the right people and are good at giving information.
Another way forward is for the GP to arrange for someone to come and see your father like an OT or SW who would then work towards a carers assessment. My stepdad was amazed to find that he could have someone to sit with my mother for 3-4 hours a week just so he could do what he wanted for that time. It is a free service and has made such a difference.

thank you for all your kind words.
I think I will have to sit and talk with them both and between us come up with a plan that takes into account everyone's needs.
I think the idea of someone being able to sit with him whilst his wife goes out for a couple of hours may help.
Its so hard because they aren't the easiest to have a relationship with, lots of past and present family estrangements for a reason! And it always seems to me that ends up stepping up when anyone needs extra support but normally when that is put in place things settle down, this time its just getting them to realise they don't have to do everything themselves when they really can't manage it.

I’m sorry but your Step Mother cannot run the show here.
There is a terminally ill man to put first and foremost and if she doesn’t like the idea of carers in the house, then she should go, not your Father.
He must be totally desperate to ask if he can live with you.
Could you possibly go with your Father to his next Chemo at the hospital and tell a senior nurse what is going on and I think they will get Social Services involved.
I feel sorry for all involved but more so for your poor Father, you must help him.

basicallygrace12, it is difficult and I find it so frustrating that my stepfather and mother (who has dementia) won't accommodate things which would make their life so much easier but I have found that each little step forward is met with a "Well I never, who would have thought that would be so much better!" Yes, months of bashing my head against a brick wall whilst you fight me every step of the way has made your life easier. Who'd have thunk!!!!
Good luck from another daughter who always seems to be the one stepping up!

agree with DolllyD.
this is a safeguarding issue.
for whatever reason, his wife sound most unloving, cold, selfish.
ask to speak to social services, say ylou fear for his safety and well-being.
could you paoosibly have him to stay at yours.
the practical, access issues, are not insuperable.
he is in a wheelchair. temporary ramp up to front door.
he may need personal care soon, so access to toilet is irrelevant.
or he could remain upstairs mostly.
hosp transport can carry people down when needed.
how would you feel about careworkers coming in to your house.
is he an in-patient at hosp; that would make it easier to get hosp social worker involved.
what about specialist nurse at hosp.
if i were you, i would contact his GP asap. tell it all. bold. clear.
the wife sounds an impediment to his proper care.
good luck.

I also agree with DollyD especially since your father is now blind and in a wheelchair. The very least that needs done is a social work assessment to check he is safe. It must be frightening for him if he has phoned you from hospital. Definitely tell the chemo staff what is happening and ask them to report it as a safeguarding issue. They will have a duty to action help. We had to do that as nurses and training was given 2 yearly for it. Don't know what is happening now but we had online training as well.

You can refer your Dad to the safeguarding team at Social Services yourself.

I think you should!

thank you for all your replies.
On a positive the OT visit went ahead today, despite his wife wanting it cancelled, and i think they were amazed with what they were offered and how quickly it would be done!
I am going to visit them tomorrow and try and talk to them. His wife openly says she knows she is un empathetic and says its just way she was brought up.
I am also going to make contact with the hospital, will get to his next appointment with him to see his consultant. He is not an inpatient, they would like him to be but he refuses! (he has 2 cats and they are his life so comes home for them after daily chemo). He is still very unhappy, well they both are, but little steps (although need to push because to much time isn't an option!).

I am very sorry for your dad, and Dolly D is right it's about safeguarding your father.

He chose to marry the woman, and you can't live his life for him, nobody can not even his GP or social services.

I do hope you can train the woman to be a better carer. It's good at least she accepted the OT help.

Very glad to read your news. I was very sad for you when your Dad asked to move in with you, he's obviously scared she won't/can't care for him in the same way you would. Let us know how they get on, I hope they are both more relaxed when they get some help.

He must be desperate to have asked you if he could come to yours He is terminally ill you are not expecting him to live for long can’t you accommodate him I understand about the bathroom but a commode and bed washes A lot of work for you but surely he needs to be safe and peaceful and happy in his last days and you will get a lot of help
Very very difficult and sad situation I feel for you and your Dad