How very sad and stressful for you, Betty65. How often do you visit? Can you cut visits down, or take someone with you?
My poor mother had Alzheimer’s from her very early 80s, was in her care home from 89 until she died at 97, and for the first few of those years visiting could be extremely stressful, because it was an endless repetition of, ‘Get me out of here!’
It was always much easier if e.g dh came with me, though that wasn’t very often. I should add that the care home was excellent, the staff were lovely, and by the time she went there, she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea and was no longer safe to be left alone at all.
Sometimes I would dread visits so much, I had to psych myself up to go, and would sometimes chicken out altogether, because I just couldn’t face it.
Sadly and ironically it was much easier once she no longer recognised me (or any of her family) - I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.
Once she was in her early 90s and her dementia was so advanced that she was doubly incontinent and was no longer able to take pleasure in anything, it was agreed with the care home that except in the case of e.g. another broken hip (she’d already survived one at over 90) there should be no hospital - in any case a terrible place for anyone with dementia - and certainly no ‘striving to keep alive’.
I knew my mother’s former self would have been horrified at the pitiful state she was in, and would have been the first to say ‘For heaven’s sake, just let me go.’ By then I honestly think that any ‘striving’ would have verged on cruelty.
If you would wish to, have you you had any sort of similar conversation with the care home staff?
Our CH staff were entirely in agreement with the family’s thinking on this, but in the event the situation never arose - after 8 years in the CH, she went suddenly downhill and died within 36 hours. By then I had honestly begun to think she’d see me out - I was 67 - and I’m sure the CH staff had begun to think she’d go on for ever.
I don’t mind admitting that although part of me was sad, the main sentiment of me and my siblings was to be relieved that she was released from that pitiful, undignified life at last.