Attending her grave and what to do

I do understand your wish to have your Daughters grave near or at least well tended, but I never think of my dear ones there , they are near me and I think of them everywhere not jut at the grave
Pick your favourite photo and have it on the sideboard or mantelpiece with a flower
Your SIL is grieving , maybe he can’t bear to go to the grave

Condolences on the loss of your daughter. We all react differently to these things and it’s possible he may just find it too difficult and painful at the moment. I don’t think I’d ask to disinter and move your daughter’s ashes. Is there anywhere near you where you could plant a tree in memory or similar?

Hello Aggie, I do, photo frame and flowers. But her grave neglected haunts me I’m afraid. It’s a respect thing too, it’s hurtful. But my point you’ve touched on that my SIL struggles to go is why I’m asking my question, would it be wrong to ask him can I have her near me instead, put bluntly if he didn’t want to go at all surely she could have been near me where I can go and tend her grave

Hi yes we can do that but I worry about her grave being neglected when I can no longer drive there, it haunts me

I would ask him.
He may welcome it, for now.

Perhaps you could have the ashes at yours until such time as your son in law feels better able to face what to do with them.

Ooh dear , it isn’t that he doesn’t want to go to the grave , it is just too painful ! Your Dear Daughter asked that she be interred where she wanted to be near him , it would be awful to move her ashes !

Condolences for the loss of your dd

I understand both sides - yours and your sil's

Imho, we assign value to material things and a person assigns more value than others

I believe that as long as your dd is in your heart, her memory and tomb will never be neglected

You executed her wishes and I am sure she is thankful for it.

I can understand how you feel and would be like you want her near me if she wasn’t being cared for I don’t know much about interment of ashes are they kept in the container or left loose
Could you plant wild flowers on her actual grave which hopefully would come up every year and then have a place near you with your choice of headstone and tend that in her name When my daughters partner died he was buried in his country but she chose a small stone for the children to put flowers on or visit here near where they now live The children know he’s not actually there and now as young adults they don’t visit much but its there if they want to

Mother duck, how sad. So young too. Thankfully, they had no children. I don’t think your son-in-law would have coped at all. He is grieving, but life being what is, he is young and will move on. It will be so hard for you. I think it will be easier to write than to talk. Put it in writing, tell him it’s going to be very difficult to visit her grave. There is no love like a mother’s love….

So very sorry about your loss. You could ask for your daughter's ashes but if your SIL says no you will have to accept it. Your SIL also has the responsibility of being both parents to your GC as well as grieving his wife.
Your daughter is in your heart you have not lost her she is not abandoned. She was loved by you and she loved you she would not want you to be ill with worry.

She left a baby son.
What a hard situation to be in.

No, I wouldnt ask for the relocation of the ashes - just in case it wasn't clear in my reply

Oh Aggie I wish that was so, he has told me that he wants to move on and he has done having met someone. I wish him well and have no judgement to make, I do understand. I’ve really tried hard to stay neutral and I’m grieving for my daughter, she died aged only 28 years of age after shoving her first baby, it’s incredibly hard. I have tried very hard to put my feelings away and maintain the relationship so that I can see my little grandson. It works. I personally feel it would be respectful of him honour his wife and leave her some flowers. He can’t. My daughter wanted to be there - for him.. for him Aggie, but he doesn’t want to know. Yes it’s his way of dealing with it, I don’t doubt it. My question is whether I’m out of order to tentatively ask, in the nicest possible way I can find, to ask him to think about whether I could possibly have her near me? I would never demand and I wouldn’t want to offend him or upset him. I already understand it’s his way as I’m grieving myself, I know all the tips for keepsakes and trees planted and memory benches, but am I out of order to approach him and talk about whether he could see his way to letting my daughter be near us instead

Thank you, my daughter passed away (cancer) 6 months after her first baby had been delivered x

I'd ask.
You couldn't feel more heartbroken I'd imagine, so I would pluck up courage and broach the subject.

(And has indeed moved on but that's another story) Does that mean he has another partner, now?

Please reread crazyH she left a baby son
motherduck when you say he wants to “move on and that’s another story” are you implying he’s started or wanting to start dating again if this is the case perhaps there is a valid reason to move her near you Will the baby come and stay with you as he gets older so you would be able to show him and talk to him about his mum are you worried she will be erased from his life Hopefully I m not on the right track here
Isn’t life difficult ?

He is seeing somebody new.

OP

Would you consider grief therapy?

I think you have to respect their wishes.Why not plants bulbs?There are bulbs for all times of year.Perhaps some rose bushes as well.There may be one of her name.A very tricky situation for you.I do sympathise.

motherduck says her SIL has met someone else.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I would echo what others have said, and make the journey to plant something permanent on your daughter's grave. Possibly some daffodils which will bloom in spring, some lupins and a rose which will bloom in summer, and some autumn crocuses.
Then you will know that the grave isn't neglected at all.
Your son-in-law is grieving and to go to his wife's grave will be too hard for him to bear just now.
I hope you can find peace one day.

Motherduck, it seems to me the only thing you can do is to ask him about the ashes. If he does not agree then you can do no more.
Believe me I do understand. My lovely daughter died 5 years ago leaving three children. She was 40 yrs old.
Ever since I walk a tight rope being careful what I say and do, so that I can see the children. He met someone else 6 months after her death.
So you will have to be very careful how you approach the subject with him.

You have my sympathy motherduck