Next stage of bereavement?

The pandemic perhaps helped in a strange way, we all had to adapt to a new way of life, and this is what you did. Now things are getting more ‘normal’ again, it has made you realise that of course, for you, things will never be the same.

I send you my sympathy, I have no constructive ideas how to help, but am sure you have been resilient in the past. Give yourself time to grieve now and gradually adapt to the future. If you can still volunteer, that must be good.

I wish you well.

I don't feel lonely but I feel alone - I can identify with this.

And I too understand that there really are no set stages of bereavement grief - small things trigger me off even 2 years later. And random unexpected things.

I go to an art class and it shares the hall parking with the surgery we used to belong to - I get miserable every time I go, as I remember the hundreds of times I went back and forth to sort out his meds and to see the doc with him.

Although we are used to the idea of "stages" of grief, it is, in my experience, more cyclical. Especially given the pandemic, I think it quite normal that you are "recycling" stages. Lucky girl, you expres it well. I hope this helps, may condolences to you both.

Calendargirl Thank you, that first paragraph made absolutely sense of what I feel.
Luckygirl3 I send you a virtual hug. ?
Nannarose Thank you

TillyWhiz it's been 18 years since my husband died aged 47. Grief for me has never ended in fact over the years it's gotten worse you just learn to cope. He was the love of my life my other half. Since the moment he took his final breath I lost half of me and haven't been whole since.

It madden's that people expect grief to magically disappear. In my experience it doesn't. I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18 together 29 years married 22.

We always knew when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years. We had to tell our children aged 17 and 13 their dad was going to die. But my husband was adamant we lived a normal life and just because our time was short we didn't treat eachother any differently. He didn't want anyone else to know he would die. So as far as everyone else was concerned once the cancer was removed he would be ok.

For months I held my husband while he cried himself to sleep so our children never knew how he felt. Only when he went to sleep could I let my tears flow.

We lived a normal life but with the sword of Damocles hanging over us.

Only when we had the terminal news in October 2003 did we tell everyone else . We where given 4 months to 2 years but we knew it was months. His last Christmas we talked about his funeral he said just do what you want. Christmas lunch was the last proper meal he ate. He decided he wanted to get too his 47th birthday which was in February 2004. And he did he died 4 days later at home with me and our children .

He was the love of my life my one and only. From the moment he died I talk out loud to him everyday it gives me comfort.

We are atheists so don't believe we will met again . We had an non religious funeral no flowers but raised over £5,000 in donations which went to the cancer ward who treated him. We told the funeral director not to go slow just to the speed limit. My husband was a speed demon. Luckily never got a speeding ticket.

I am lonely but only for one person my husband. But not lonely because I live on my own. So what you feel makes perfect sense to me. My darling will be forever 47 he is locked in time . I will be 64 the end of this month. He has missed so much both our children are married and we have 5 grandson's. He always wanted to be a granddad .

He was very wise my husband he knew what I needed to live without him and made me promise some things and proud to say I have kept them. It's very important to me that I do. The main one was live the best life you can and I do. He made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died . So I went to York for 4 days. Did a lot of firsts in those 4 days for a start off never been on holiday on my own or walked into a pub by myself. But haven't been on holiday since.

After he died had both parents and mother in law to look after . My mom was the last to die in 2017. Lot happened in those years but have talked about that on pain of loss thread.

I moved house in 2019 moved over 100 miles to the north west to live closer to our children. In my old house I existed only since I moved have I lived my life to the full. I didn't realise I had lost myself. I always had someone dependent on me it was only after my mom died I realised what a toll it had taken on me . Especially as I have been ill since I was 29. Again my wonderful husband just said we will live our life to suit what you can do . I always expected to die first never him.

Tilly 3 years is still what I call early days of grief . I found the first 10 years very hard . So don't expect the grief to lessen yet. That's my experience others will disagree. For me moving house gave me a new life . Apart from the children no one knew my husband. Here everyone knows me not my husband's wife or the children's mom . But me. And it's lovely because people like me for me and made lots of friends . I do things I never thought I could. My bungalow is the first home I have brought on my own. Everything in it is what I want and found out I am a gardener. My husband said I had a black thumb seems I am green fingered. I have a garden small enough to look after myself. My old house had to have a gardener because my garden was very large.

I am living the life I should have years ago. But what hasn't changed is the bone crushing loss and the grief but I cope have wobbles but I don't fight the tears if I want to cry I do. I had shouted and swore at my husband for leaving me sounds wicked but it does me the power of good and when I do I can see him with that stupid grin on his face. I still sleep on my side of the bed still wear my wedding ring and still go by Mrs. As far as I am concerned I am still married. I was lucky to have found such a wonderful man at a young age don't get me wrong our marriage wasn't all sweetness and light. We both where stubborn and had tempers and had some hum dingers of fights but always made up before we went to sleep. Love never dies . I cherish every minute we had together. What gives me comfort is our children have his DNA and our grandsons parts.

So Tilly give yourself a break in my experience grief never ends as love doesn't. But you learn to cope. Hope this has helped. ?

Thank you Whiff. ?
My husband died 12 days ago. His death was totally unexpected. He had been out and on return, complained of feeling unwell. I suggested he have a lie down as we thought he was having a flare up of his rheumatoid arthritis.
I took our baby granddaughter out in the pram whilst our daughter who was visiting us did some paperwork. I returned an hour later and found him dead in bed.
As he was still warm, the emergency services talked us through cpr until the ambulance and paramedics arrived.
It was the worst day of my life.
We had been a couple for 52 years and married for almost 49 years.
Thankfully, we had talked about death and how we hoped we would try our best to get on with life.
At the moment, it is all too raw.
Family and friends have been amazing and our new grandchild is a blessing.

fiorentina51,My heart goes out to you such a shock for you to cope with,my darling man died suddenly on his way to collect our daughter to take her to work one Monday morning 2+ yrs ago,he left our house at 7.50am for the short journey shouted on the way out of the door that he would make me a cup of tea when he got back for him never to return,he died in his car 5mins away from DDs house.
I am forever expecting him to walk in the door or see him walking over the car park after taking the dog for her walk at 5pm.
The Covid lockdown never helped me at all and I felt completely alone for nearly 2 yrs it is only now that I am coming to terms with what has happened he was my rock for 48 yrs and adored his family.
Sending you virtual Hugs at this sad time for you and yours.

Glammanana
Sending virtual hugs and flowers to you too. ?❤

Sincerest condolences to all fellow bereaved upthread and off thread 22 years for me. The grief eases eventually, your own life force kicks in, but life simply isn't the same.
A new normal and so hard but we still have living to do so when the pain has eased a little TillyWhizz try and grab what happiness and joy you can wherever it comes from

fiorentina51 and glammanana my heart goes out to you both. When you know the love of your life is dieing it's bad enough . But what you are both going through is far worse. At least we had time to plan and get used to the idea my husband was going to die even though it was still a horrible shock.

So hopefully what I wrote to Tilly can help you both. The main thing is don't let anyone rush into making unnecessary decisions. Give yourself time to think things through especially fiorentina51 as it's so recent. There is no right or wrong way to grieve it's different for everyone.

Take care ????

Whiff

TillyWhiz it's been 18 years since my husband died aged 47. Grief for me has never ended in fact over the years it's gotten worse you just learn to cope. He was the love of my life my other half. Since the moment he took his final breath I lost half of me and haven't been whole since.

It madden's that people expect grief to magically disappear. In my experience it doesn't. I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18 together 29 years married 22.

We always knew when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years. We had to tell our children aged 17 and 13 their dad was going to die. But my husband was adamant we lived a normal life and just because our time was short we didn't treat eachother any differently. He didn't want anyone else to know he would die. So as far as everyone else was concerned once the cancer was removed he would be ok.

For months I held my husband while he cried himself to sleep so our children never knew how he felt. Only when he went to sleep could I let my tears flow.

We lived a normal life but with the sword of Damocles hanging over us.

Only when we had the terminal news in October 2003 did we tell everyone else . We where given 4 months to 2 years but we knew it was months. His last Christmas we talked about his funeral he said just do what you want. Christmas lunch was the last proper meal he ate. He decided he wanted to get too his 47th birthday which was in February 2004. And he did he died 4 days later at home with me and our children .

He was the love of my life my one and only. From the moment he died I talk out loud to him everyday it gives me comfort.

We are atheists so don't believe we will met again . We had an non religious funeral no flowers but raised over £5,000 in donations which went to the cancer ward who treated him. We told the funeral director not to go slow just to the speed limit. My husband was a speed demon. Luckily never got a speeding ticket.

I am lonely but only for one person my husband. But not lonely because I live on my own. So what you feel makes perfect sense to me. My darling will be forever 47 he is locked in time . I will be 64 the end of this month. He has missed so much both our children are married and we have 5 grandson's. He always wanted to be a granddad .

He was very wise my husband he knew what I needed to live without him and made me promise some things and proud to say I have kept them. It's very important to me that I do. The main one was live the best life you can and I do. He made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died . So I went to York for 4 days. Did a lot of firsts in those 4 days for a start off never been on holiday on my own or walked into a pub by myself. But haven't been on holiday since.

After he died had both parents and mother in law to look after . My mom was the last to die in 2017. Lot happened in those years but have talked about that on pain of loss thread.

I moved house in 2019 moved over 100 miles to the north west to live closer to our children. In my old house I existed only since I moved have I lived my life to the full. I didn't realise I had lost myself. I always had someone dependent on me it was only after my mom died I realised what a toll it had taken on me . Especially as I have been ill since I was 29. Again my wonderful husband just said we will live our life to suit what you can do . I always expected to die first never him.

Tilly 3 years is still what I call early days of grief . I found the first 10 years very hard . So don't expect the grief to lessen yet. That's my experience others will disagree. For me moving house gave me a new life . Apart from the children no one knew my husband. Here everyone knows me not my husband's wife or the children's mom . But me. And it's lovely because people like me for me and made lots of friends . I do things I never thought I could. My bungalow is the first home I have brought on my own. Everything in it is what I want and found out I am a gardener. My husband said I had a black thumb seems I am green fingered. I have a garden small enough to look after myself. My old house had to have a gardener because my garden was very large.

I am living the life I should have years ago. But what hasn't changed is the bone crushing loss and the grief but I cope have wobbles but I don't fight the tears if I want to cry I do. I had shouted and swore at my husband for leaving me sounds wicked but it does me the power of good and when I do I can see him with that stupid grin on his face. I still sleep on my side of the bed still wear my wedding ring and still go by Mrs. As far as I am concerned I am still married. I was lucky to have found such a wonderful man at a young age don't get me wrong our marriage wasn't all sweetness and light. We both where stubborn and had tempers and had some hum dingers of fights but always made up before we went to sleep. Love never dies . I cherish every minute we had together. What gives me comfort is our children have his DNA and our grandsons parts.

So Tilly give yourself a break in my experience grief never ends as love doesn't. But you learn to cope. Hope this has helped. ?

What a lovely post, Whiff.

Grief has its own timescale; and learning to live a different sort of life too.

We do not get over it; we learn to find a new way of living.

I send heartfelt hugs to all of you going through this.

One of my comforts is that my OH lives on in my DDs and GC - not just in their genes, but in all the love he shared with them - that will never leave them and they will pass it on to their offspring - so on he goes.

Thank you all, especially Whiff. I shall take each day as it comes again. I've just enjoyed myself doing some charity fundraising so today has been good. I'm going to set myself some tasks to do and relax a bit more too.

The worst stage for me was the anger stage.
I felt so angry at my husband for refusing to visit the doctor (doctors being for women and children). Had he taken better care of his health he could have been cured but instead his cancer wasn’t discovered until it reached the incurable stage.

Men are entitled to ask for a PSA test which can detect the early stages of prostate cancer. It can be treated and completely eradicated if caught early. It is a simple blood test. Have you had a PSA test gentlemen? Has your partner had one ladies?
If not, why not?

Espee Yes I feel anger. Not for the same reason as you but because he left me with problems to deal with 'because I'm going to die anyway so I'm not going to bother'. I know the pandemic hasn't helped in sorting things but now I have to and it does feel overwhelming at times. I realise as always I take on other people's problems too so I'm taking a step back to help myself.

I hope you are alright today TillyWhiz and those recently bereaved.
Times when everyone else is absorbed with their loved ones and families is often the hardest.
I shall be missing DH today.

Yes there are stages but every stage is completely individual, the `last` stage is supposed to be when you have moved on and made a life for yourself. It is not really like that, it seems to others that we cope but as whiff says, the grief is still there and always will be. I know I married for life and will never be with another, my husband is in my heart and travels with me wherever I go

I have been widowed for seven years and two months, he went out for a cycle ride as usual and a policeman came to the door, air ambulance had taken him to hospital but he died before I got there. A sudden death like that is so very traumatic, my heart went into overdrive and I heard the pounding in my ears. The first stage is to be sure to look after yourself, I just sat and gazed at some trees and I meditated and did calm things and one day that pounding stopped, I stopped slamming doors and my recovery started

I went on a bus, wanted to know that one day, things get better. I sat behind two older ladies, seemingly widowed, I asked them and they said that I would learn to cope with it. It does not get better but we adapt, we don`t forget but we do learn to live with it. Then I sat in wells cathedral for a while and let the peace and ambience and healing wash over me

As for being alone, that is a fact of life, the world is made for couples. I have only been out for a meal a handful of times, no point just sitting there to look around. I don`t go on holidays by myself now, I did a year after my husband died. I took the safe option of a saga cruise, it was a change but not a holiday I would replicate and very expensive to go solo

I had a fleeting thought of getting a small campavan once but the reality hit, the lovely views, by myself, no-one to share the driving

So life had to change, it did after year 3 and I decided to be sensible and move away from a small village with three buses a day and no shops. There was so much to do, by myself again. The lockdown came but in a way that was good as I was able to keep to myself without guilt and that helped move me on through more stages, by myself but always talking to my husband, who sent me a fluffy white feather from time to time

I don`t feel lonely which is a negative emotion, I have a life full of hobbies and cycling and lovely good neighbours. I am not a group, coffee morning twinset and pearls person, would rather be out in the fresh air or gardening on my hands and knees. I talk to people, anyone I pass gets a good morning but I have to be content with my life now, it is what it is and I just get on with it

* I have to be content with my life now, it is what it is and I just get on with it*
As for being alone, that is a fact of life, the world is made for couples

I so identify with these sentiments.

For me, my grief is not "clean" - it is not as simple as loving someone and then they are gone and you miss them. In one sense I do not miss my OH - the man I married had vanished some years before. The man who died was beyond difficult - his behaviour towards me was deeply unacceptable. But I knew he could not help it - that the disease eating away at his brain had taken hIm away.

But it does make grief more complicated because it is impossible to pretend that his death was anything other than a huge relief - for him, for me, for all of us.

I try very hard to remember the good times, but it is very hard as his difficult behaviour was so all-encompassing, filling my every waking moment. And there is the guilt and worry as to whether I could have dealt with it all better in some way.

Living life on your own is a challenge, but I have so much going for me: wonderful loving daughters, neighbours who could not be kinder, a role within our tiny village (running a choir and a mini arts festival, part of a group of women setting up community projects), happy to dine out or go to concerts on my own (that has ben my life for a long while) and I live in what I consider to be the most beautiful place in the world.

But, just as I feel I am beginning to surface a bit, I have been hit with medical problems that are eye-wateringly painful so the chance to be out and about enjoying myself free from caring responsibilities has gone down the pan.

Nothing to be done but count my blessings and plod on, as we all do.

I send all good wishes to those struggling in similar situations.

Thankyou for your posts today Karmalady and Luckygirl for sharing some of your experiences to help others.
I empathise with the not wanting to do the things we did together. I am trying to see the world from my point of view - no longer "us"

I have noticed many more people live alone widowed or otherwise single than I had realised, rather like when you are pregnant, suddenly the world is filled with pregnant women and with babies!

I am not lonely and I am always busy but I miss him very much despite that (his words) he is always with me.

Such sad stories Esspee I too would urge men to get a PSA test. I don't know why these tests are not given routinely, like mamagrams. Fortunately when my husband felt that something was amiss he saw his GP. It was indeed prostate cancer and thankfully he was saved. Prostate cancer is the cancer that kills more men in the UK than any other. Urge your menfolk to get tested if they can.

To love and be loved - that's what all you sweet ladies have experienced. You were No1 in your partners' lives. You are blessed. Some, like me have not experienced that. I am not jealous of you but so happy that you had that luck.

Two years on and I still struggle, but I guess grief is the price you pay for love.

Like karmalady I don't believe there is a last stage. It has been 18 years for me, I've made a new life, have a new partner who has been very good for me, I am getting old but I'm happy and settled.
Yet sometimes, out of the blue, something sets me off. It could be someone commenting on a daffodil, a recent example. I ended up in tears as it took me back to us being in the queue to be served at the fruit shop and I asked him if he could pop across the road and buy some daffodils. Off he went only to return in a minute to check what colour I wanted before he crossed the road. It was, as they say in Glasgow "the talk of the steamie" once he was out of earshot.

fiorentina51 ?