Friendship

Is this daughter your only child *Grannannan?

I don't know what is behind the estrangement but assume something has brought this about. Regardless of the cause I feel for your heartache.

How often did your daughter talk to your friend before the estrangement?

Would your dd reply to her?

Why would your friend talk to your dd? That is weird

Yes Blossom she is x

Over a year HITHERE

Coolgran65. There must be a reason but they won’t say. All my Daughter says is her Husbsnd means more to her than I do x

And how long your dd stopped talking to you?

Maybe your friend has mentioned you and your dd didnt like it?

Why are you estranged?

Not enough info to address your concerns

I'm sorry you are suffering this estrangement. I am wondering if your friend's contact with your daughter is limited to Facebook? I understand why you would be hurt to think she is communicating with them in this way but, for some people, contact on Facebook is different to real life. I see lots of people wishing others happy birthday etc. when they wouldn't bother in any other way.

Have you been negative about your son-in-law? If your daughter is saying that her husband means more to her than you do then she must have felt the need to choose.

That’s hard Grannannan". It sounds to me as if her husband has taken against you for some reason. I don’t know what the background to this is but nobody should be made to choose between a spouse and a parent. I can understand why you feel your friend betrayed you and hope you can put this behind you. Maybe your friend thought keeping contact open with your daughter might eventually lead to some improvement in relations? I’m sorry to hear your disability is getting worse

My SIL is manipulative & a Narcissist I’m not the only person who says that. My Daughter has told me he has been unfaithful. He even tried it on me once.
The help I want is why would my friend say such awful things about my SIL she’s seen me brake down in tears many times. I’m left out of everything birthday parties Christmases they never visit me in hospital
My friend asks me when we speak ( we now live 200 miles apart) if iv heard anything from my Daughter & when I say no she says such awful things about him which I agree with. Why would she say she hasn’t heard from her in so long then sends these nice messages to them on fb? She knows it would brake my heart

Grannannan, I think your friend is trying to be friends with your daughter and family so as to try to persuade them to make friends with you.

Your friend will not like to tell you what she is trying to do in case she disappoints you.

Grannannan, why not ask your friend if she will help you to make friends with your daughter and son- in -law?

Grannannan

There are 2 separate issues her!

1. Your estrangement from your daughter and SIL and grandchildren

2. Your hurt with your friend who appears to be lying to you or at least not being wholly truthful

Regarding No. 1 I suspect there is little you can do. If Daughter/SIL have made that decision, then I am sorry that you have to live with that

Regarding No 2. the only way to sort this out is to talk to your friend. Tell her that you have been told about her FB contact with your daughter. Ask her why she told you that she has no contact with them. Tell her that you find that hurtful

Depending on her replies to you, you can decide the right way forward for you and whether you wish to continue the friendship. Good luck

So your friend agrees with you that your SIL is abusive but is being kind to your daughter on Facebook?

If that is correct, then wouldn't your friend be correct to be kind to a person she believes is in a relationship with an abusive person?

And as the mother of someone you believe is in a relationship with an abusive person, wouldn't your friend being able to contact her or keep an eye on her, be a good thing?

VioletSky

So your friend agrees with you that your SIL is abusive but is being kind to your daughter on Facebook?

If that is correct, then wouldn't your friend be correct to be kind to a person she believes is in a relationship with an abusive person?

And as the mother of someone you believe is in a relationship with an abusive person, wouldn't your friend being able to contact her or keep an eye on her, be a good thing?

I thought that as well Violet. I think that your friend might well say a version of that, if you talk to her Grannannan

Thank you all for your replies & I hope you’re right that my friend is trying to keep communication open. But why after at least a year of my Daughter not bothering with her no wishing her happy birthday or happy anniversary etc etc. then all of a sudden out of nowhere she makes contact especially to my SIL wishing him a lovely birthday away in Rome
Maybe she’s been lying to me all along as my Daughter has blocked me on fb I’m unable to she their comments. It was only because a friend that visited me brought it up that they were in Rome & my best friend comments.
I’m worried to say anything because people who have been caught out turn on you & I don’t think I can handle anymore stress or pain by losing my best friend. I’m at a loss. I’m so terribly hurt to the point of what is the point in living in constant pain physically & emotionally. If I find out she’s been lying to me it will definitely knock me over the edge 😭

Grannannan I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. The problem with Narcisssm is that there can be a lot of manipulation involved.

So its not "just" hurt/rejection, it leaves one not knowing where one stands, like trying to walk on an ever slippery surface, and in the end you can end up feeling, "well who can I trust"

(I'm currently divorcing an abusive husband, but am fortunate enough to have family and a counsellor on my side: I've even been safeguarded as an Adult. Even so, I doubt my own perception, and it makes contact with others at times "wobbly", This sense of ground under oneself being ever shifting can and does lead to what you feel, life isn't worth living)

You mention that one friend has told you about the other: you have one friend who is being straightforward to you. I'd ask their advice about the friend you feel is going behind your back.

Seems to me we don't know why she has had low level contact with your family -we are all "supposing" - but it would be good if you can find out a bit more "why" so the ground doesn't seem so slippery. Some people see facebook as a place for quite trivial levels of contact whereas you have suffered in it.

If you carry on feeling no point in life Grannannan as time goes on, please seek some help. No one should have to feel this for too long xx

You need to forget about this friend and what she does

If she wants to mention your daughter, tell her you dont want to hear about it

Concentrate on healing and ignore the unneccessary chaos

Grannannan, your friend communicates with them only intermittently. Time flies, and she will have other interests, then she suddenly thinks "Oh I'd better a Facebook message to keep in touch for my friend's sake."

It's simply not believable that your friend would go to so much trouble to tell lies behind your back. People don't actually enjoy telling lies!

When we are alone we often introspect and worry about the future. Do return and let us know what is happening with you.

Op,
Is this the same friend you wanted your daughter to delete from her fb?

I can see why you are so sad, but if your friend and your daughter had a friendship, it would be weird for them not to keep in touch with the odd message.
If my best friend completely estranged from her daughter, I would still send a message now and then. I’ve known her since the day she was born, and wouldn’t totally cut her out of my life. It’s probably the same with your friend, you’ve had a long friendship, which must have included your children at times.
I don’t think it’s disloyal, and this way, at least you know your daughter is alright.

I'm so sorry that you are living with estrangement from your D and GC Grannannan. My advice is to take Hithere's advice in her post @ 19.56 and concentrate on your own well being.

I understand your unwillingness to ask her about this, but if this is going to eat away at you, for your own piece of mind maybe you should talk to her about this.

If she really is a friend and is doing this to try and help the situation, she'll explain. If she turns on you, then she isn't the friend you thought she was.

I hope she does explain and is able to put your mind at rest.

Caleb thank you for your reply & to everyone else you has replied.
Iv spoken to my friend she’s apologised she said she did even think but understands why I was so upset. I forgiven her, 30 yrs of friendship is too long to give up on after one mistake