advice for my mum

Dawn, I’didnt want to read and run although I have no advice for you.

I would go to the meeting so that you & your Mum can feel more settled about your father's death. Have you a sibling or other relative who would go with you for support. Have a prepared list of questions you want answered so that you don't get upset and forget what you were going to ask. Be prepared to maybe hear something you didn't expect or are not happy with along with reassurance. I hope this meeting gives you both some comfort.

In my experience of dealing with concerns about patient care over a number of years, the only way for your mum’s mind to be at rest will be if she is involved in the meeting itself and has the chance to listen to them and directly ask questions with the people involved. Unfortunately you attending on her behalf won’t achieve that, because even if you relay what is said in minute detail it won’t be enough. Although it will be painful for you both, my advice would be to convince her that is the best course of action.

Dawn, I suggest you go to the hospital for a meeting. I think if you don't you may regret it in the future. My former husband died in hospital and I wish I'd been able to do this (all very complicated). Condolences x

Hi Dawn this happened to us too, different operation. Dad was in hospital and passed away unexpectedly through the night. My mum couldn’t get over it, she desperately wanted to be there when he passed.
Mum put in a formal complaint and was asked to a meeting. We both went, the nurse that had been on the ward that night had written a statement, it was all done very sympathetically and there was lots of apologies from the hospital even though it wasn’t their fault.
Mum seemed to calm down a lot afterwards and started to come to terms with what had happened. I would go to the meeting, write down what you’d like to ask. I do think it’s part of the grieving process to be angry at what has happened. I hope it helps.

The only thing that worries me is because your mum doesn't want to attend will she accept that you are telling her the truth? If you think she will definitely go ahead it might give you both some closure. If after the meeting you are still feeling lost perhaps a bereavement service might help.

Dawn - this is a tough one. Your Mum is grieving and is probably convincing herself that the treatment or lack of it, from the Hospital/Doctors, has led to your Dad’s demise. The road to proving negligence is going to be a long and arduous one. I hope the planned meeting will allay your fears and put all your minds at rest and offer you comfort at this difficult time.

Agree with Casdon, do go but encourage your mum to go too so she hears what is said, has a chance to ask any questions and you won’t have t he stress of her asking you to tell her about everything afterwards.
If she doesn’t want to go then try to take someone with you for support and to make notes perhaps, but also as a second pair of ears to remember what you may forget.
Your dad was a loving and loved dad would not want you both to be so upset. I do remember your other posts and know how much you miss him.

Is the meeting with the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) ? If not I suggest you contact this service in this hospital and tell them all that you have told us.

Many people have the problems you and you mother are having and they understand and can be really helpful.

When DF died in hospital (in very different corcumstances) a meeting with the PALS advisors was part of the process associted with a death.

I would try to get her to go with you if at all possible.
My mother would have found new questions to ask me afterwards so it's betters she's there. They will be able to answer her directly if she has thoughts that pop up.

When my dad died in hospital my mother thought "he wasn't that bad" before.... Yes he was but she couldn't/wouldn't believe it. He had heart attacks and they did everything they could.

The staff were very kind and considerate when we met but sort of "gently firm" with her in the way that they explained the medical interventions and how his body had just had enough... She came away believing that he was really struggling but trying to be brave in those last hours for her. I honestly think this was true - and spoke to the person he was.

She was never the same after my dad died but was definitely better having had a proper conversation with the hospital.

Thinking of you both and wishing you strength- and eventually a sort of peace.

I agree with others - your mother wants answers and she should go to the meeting. Otherwise she will be asking you more questions which you can’t answer and telling you that you should have asked them. Even if you agree a list of questions beforehand more may well arise from what is said.

I had questions about my mother’s death in hospital but knew nothing could bring her back so didn’t ask for answers. I still have those questions 24 years later but I know that asking for answers would have been pointless.

I had a very similar situation as my Mum passed away 3 years ago during a heart valve operation (she survived the original op but was rushed back in 30 mins later with internal bleeding which she didn't survive). I was offered a meeting at the time but refused as I was just too grief stricken to talk about it. However, I regret it now as I was convinced before the operation, during a month long stay in the hospital, that she was not being looked after properly and now I torture myself thinking about it. I know nothing will bring her back but I wish I had taken the opportunity to ask questions etc.

It’s not too late to ask questions meandmine, if you want to. Nor is it too late to begin a negligence action if it appears that the hospital was negligent, but if you consider going down that route think very carefully about what it will entail and how long you will be living with it.

Thank you all,i have read over and over your messages and i will read them to my mum tomorrow,we know nothing can bring dad back and we want nothing from anyone or to lay blame anywhere,just to try and make sense of it it think.Again thank you.

Are you prepared to accept the answers even if you do not like them.

My mother had atrial fibrillation. She was on medication, but died in her sleep.

My father spent a longtime trying to find out why she had died when she was on medication for her heart problem. Being told that medication or no medication, she could still occasionally have a missed heart beat never satisfied him, no matter who explained it.

So make sure that you and your mother before the meeting are prepared to accept the explanation given.

If it ends up that your Mum doesn’t go, ask beforehand if you can record the conversation, explaining it’s for your Mum, she can then, when ready, listen.

We have just had a meeting with the hospital about a situation we felt was handled badly with the result my husband was sent home with a fractured and dislocated shoulder. We wrote out all the questions we needed answers to and we’re not going to be fobbed off or dismissed. The doctor answered all our questions and apologised for certain things that weren’t dealt with. He said he was going away to have a full meeting with all those involved and would write to us. He was happy to meet with us again if we wanted. But we felt happy with what we were to,d and his apology was a big thing that helped. So I suggest you have a meeting and try and take your mum along. If your dad would have wanted to go that route then maybe follow his lead. Good luck.

Initial consultation and explanation is good, but do be prepared to let go. Some people keep a complaint going for years and years and will not accept any evidence to the contrary. If, however, after the meeting you feel the hospital was negligent then go for it. Was there an inquest as the pathologist and coroner’s report should cast some light. When fil died the coroner rang me and said there had been something the hospital should have discovered. We decided not to pursue it as it couldn’t bring him back. Always wondered if we did the right thing.

It is human nature to look for blame when grieving and to get obsessive about things.

I would go to the meeting and get the answers to the questions in writing so that your mum can go over them and accept the reasons for your fathers treatment.

I feel sorry for you that you have to deal with this as well as your own grief.

It is worth contacting CRUSE - they were very helpful after my OH died. You can talk with them on the phone or in person.
www.cruse.org.uk

M0nica

Is the meeting with the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) ? If not I suggest you contact this service in this hospital and tell them all that you have told us.

Many people have the problems you and you mother are having and they understand and can be really helpful.

When DF died in hospital (in very different corcumstances) a meeting with the PALS advisors was part of the process associted with a death.

Yes, I was going to suggest PALS.

The meeting may be with them, but if not, then do contact them as they can support you and they should be impartial.