My son is 37 years old. For a backstory, when I split up with his dad he intimidated me into letting him keep the three boys. He then moved to Scotland which made it really difficult to see them and even when I took him to court the judge took his side I suspect because I was English. . It took a long time because the law is different in Scotland. I was bereft and had another baby with my new partner, we didn’t have much money but I managed to travel,up there a couple of times to see them. Then I got a devestating letter from my ex husband saying I wasn’t to contact him any more. That was when I instigated the court case but the Scottish judge was not on my side. I should explain that I have since found out that I am on the autistic spectrum. Anyway my son contacted me aged 15 to say he wanted to live with me. I was overjoyed and drove up there immediately to collect him. He was very quiet to begin with but then he got a job in a pub and started to make friends. At the age of 18 he met a girl and in due course they got married and had two children. For a few years I thought he was happy but then he turned up at my house one day and said he didn’t want to be with her any more. He had financial issues after he left, I loaned him ten grand to pay off his debts and he had paid back around half of it. Then he moved into a flat with his girlfriend but he was terrible with money still, developed a cocaine habit and was always broke.So him and his girlfriend who is absolutely lovely have given up their flat and my son has moved back. I told him he needed to give me £50 a week just to cover the extra expenses (money docked from my benefits because I care for my adult autistic son. I didn’t want to pretend he wasn’t here because he needs to be on the electoral roll to get a house whether rented, bought or shared ownership. I told him he only needed to pay what was reduced on my UC and council tax benefit, plus bills. I figured £200 a month would cover everything.he get paid weekly and he paid me for the first week but when the following week rolled around I got nothing. He is fobbing me off and it’s affecting my anxiety. Any advice would be appreciated.
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AIBU
To not trust my son
(15 Posts)Hi, I think it’s ultimatum time. To live at yours, his rent payment to you comes first. This payment needs to come to you automatically, not left up to him, if, when, maybe he gives it to you. Get an AP set up, if he’s reluctant to do this, time for him to find new accommodation. A bit of tough love here, he’s taking the mick, he’s not a child. Good luck.
I suppose it depends what he earns but £50 a week sounds fair
Is the andult autistic son from your second partner and is the partner still with you ? Sounds as if your son with you may be on the spectrum too as he’s chaotic and not managing his emotions (but that could be the cocaine if he’s still using)
Can he make a Direct debit or standing order for you, so much easier if it comes out at source and he doesn’t even see the £50
It would be a shame to have to turn him out after the difficult childhood without a mum Out of interest do you now have contact with your other two sons !
He's 37, I don't think the back story is relevant, he's using you.
I agree with OldFrill.
He gets his money, he spends his money. Probably mainly on drugs.
Are you in touch with your other sons, and does your youngest sons dad live with you, too?
If he does, what sort of help is he giving you with his stepson?
Easy for others to say. My son came back to live with me just over a year ago. It went well but now he is also taking advantage.
He works full-time, isn't on drugs but does have lots of debts and a child to support. He is very poorly paid, works for an agency with no holiday and sick pay. He has to run a car for his long commute to work.
Last week I confronted him about the fact he is now getting into debt with me (he pays me bits and pieces though I'm expecting £50 a month the same as you)
I send him a reminder text every week saying exactly how much he owes.
This is also causing me anxiety and is not the retirement I had hoped for.
You need to speak to him asap. Tell him in advance and try to keep the conversation calm and focussed.
This is what I am doing with my son tonight. I told him it has to stop and can't go on.
Your son needs help with the drugs too- there is lots of help out there for him, far more than there is for you.
Good luck.
He's 37, not 18. He's taking advantage of your happiness at him being "down here", rather than "up there".
Tell him to shape up, or ship out. I suspect he's using his money for drugs (addicts make excellent liars and will spin any old yarn to hide their addictions) and he needs an ultimatum.
Buttojugs hasnt been back for over a month so I think she’s not engaging any more seaWoozle
I couldn’t stand it. I’m afraid I’d show him the door.
I think I'd do the same nanna.
Agencies do pay holiday money.
They have to, by law.
I have heard that agencies are supposed to pay holiday pay- but there are loopholes such as having to have been with the agency for a number of weeks, to claim in arrears and often the process is long winded and time consuming, the holiday pay is amuch reduced hourly sum. If you think I'm wrong then please let me know and I'll tell my son what he needs to do, as he seems to think it isn't worth claiming, even if he's entitled.
Your rights after 12 weeks
You get more rights once you've worked on the same assignment at the same hiring organisation for 12 weeks. This is called the '12-week minimum qualifying period' under the law.
The rights cover:
pay
holiday
sick leave
working hours and rest breaks
access to permanent job vacancies at the hiring organisation
parental time off
A week counts as any 7 days that you work in, from the day your assignment began.
This is from ACAS.
It's a really good site to check out rules and regulations at workplaces.
You have the same right as other workers and employees to a minimum of 5.6 weeks' paid holiday each 'leave year' when you're on an assignment
Yes, I found this on the ACAS web-site too.
It is difficult for me to know for sure as I rely on my son for this information:
He does get paid, weekly.
He doesn't seem to understand that in order to have paid holiday leave, he has to tell them in advance so he takes a day off and foregoes the pay. He has only had one day off since Christmas, when he had to take un-paid leave but did get some extra pay for working the BHs. He worked Boxing Day, and New Years day but could only work a half day so although they called it double time it was only the same as his daily wage. He had to take a week off because the company closed down and so earned nothing for a week. He took on a delivery job to earn more money in the lead up to Christmas, and what they said he would earn and what he actually earned was not the same. He will never do deliveries again, as he had to pay his own petrol and that ate up his wages.
Luckily he is pretty healthy and hasn't needed to take time off, but his colleagues on contracts take sick leave all the time and my son has to cover for them.
They did make him aware a proper contract was coming up, which he applied and was interviewed for. He was told he would get the job but didn't. It was given to an outsider who had less experience and was never given any real reason why they didn't give him the contract.
He wasn't aware he could have parental time off and will look into this- but again I doubt he will be paid for this.
It is all well and good having these regulations but it would seem my son has either been very unlucky, or there is a lot of flouting of these rules by business' going on.
Meanwhile, my son carries on because he has no other options.
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