This is not so much about whether I'm unreasonable, since it's about what's wired into my system, as whether I'm just weird.
I've recently (about 8 months ago) moved to a new city and I'm going about the business of finding new networks. I have a job and although I work from home most of the week I still go into the office at least one day a week, and I get on fine with people there. I can go to U3A, or a boardgames group or a writers group or a book club, or to public lectures at the university, and I get chatting easily enough with people. I've even been told in the past that I'm a good mixer because I go up to anybody at a gathering whether a duchess or a dustman and chat to them just the same. But what I never seem able to do is to convert these contacts into friendships between events.
What I worry about is that I may come across as scary to people. I do have an ASD but it has only been formally diagnosed in later adulthood. As a child I was just "difficult" because these things weren't understood then. I was considered messy and lazy and uncooperative and generally wayward. Always being compared with my older sister who was studious, neat, methodical and well-behaved. I went to university why she didn't and she always resented that, I think. She has a point – we both changed schools at the critical ages of 11 and 16 and having worked towards a particular A-level programme she found that the new school couldn't offer it. But not my fault I think.
Somebody pointed out to me recently that when I get stressed or depressed I've always tended to escape by burying myself in learning stuff. I did my original degree, then an Open University degree in something completely different, and I recently did a Masters in something else again. I know quite a lot about a lot of things but I'm not really a master of everything. I'd say I was very well read, but I seem to like the kind of books others aren't keen on, just as I like to watch films but not the sort that others want to watch with me. I can be outspoken sometimes and I don't suffer fools, although I do try not to get into explosive situations in company (unlike me when I was much younger!) I'm a square peg, basically.
Socially I'm terrified that other people think I'm weird, that they find me scary, perhaps, and I'm afraid to make the move, to suggest coffee between events perhaps, because I might be rejected, or thought excessively pushy. So I bury myself in solitary stuff again and, yes, I get lonely sometimes. Oh yes, I ~hate~ and always have hated talking on the telephone, as part of my autism because I'm out of control of the real-time conversation. I'm fine on line because I'm in full control.
Does anybody else feel like this? Or am I the only one? Do I really come across as weird? Are there ways to get round it, do you think?
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(13 Posts)Lady, you are an intelligent and interesting person , don't let your autism define you. Stop worrying about it and when you chat to
someone do suggest meeting for coffee, ok ,they may turn your suggestion down - but they may
not!!!! If they choose not to meet you again don't assume it's because they think you are weird, they may well have their personal reasons for not meeting up again with you. When you do get to know someone why not tell them about your autism . My SIL has autism - diognosed recently. Now he has told me about his diognosis I understand him better! He is a clever and wonderful man and a wonderful person who has joined our family.
LadyHonoriaDedlock yes, yes and yes again.
Your description ^ I was considered messy and lazy and uncooperative and generally wayward. Always being compared with my older sister who was studious, neat, methodical and well-behaved.^ In my case younger sister, but there the sibling comparison ends.
I am on the neural diversity spectrum. I have a diagnosis of dyspraxia and almost certainly have ADHD. My grandson has recently been referred for assessment and DS has given up his fight to pretend it didn't matter and has also been referred for assessment
There is an article in the i today on ADHD. I read the first couple of paragraphs, the author's despcription of trying to work from home during lockdown, before she had been diagnosed and nearly burst into tears, she could have been describing me in work and study, and even home situations, struggling to try and work, with an uncontrollable mind that simply wouldn't permit it.
I realised very young that I was 'odd' and when I realised I could not fit in, even when I tried. I decided that I knew who I was and was happy with myself, and if being the odd one out was the price I had to pay for being comfortable in my oddness, it was a price I was willing to pay.
My sister has a step daughter who is learning disabled and severely autistic. Because this girl's mother dropped out of her life when she was quite young my sister has effectively been her mother for over 25 years and based on all that she has learnt about autism over those years, she says she thinks our father could have been borderline autistic as I suspect his mother was also
All I can say LadyHonoria, is be yourself and to hell with the rest of the world.
Personally I like my friends to be a bit on the “weird” side. (I’m using your word, I prefer ‘interesting”)
I like the way they see things differently from most other people,
So I’m with MOnica. Be yourself.
Most casual social contacts don’t translate into anything more really, so you’re not that out of step.
What an interesting post, at the risk of sounding patronising, you sound like a fascinating person with lots to offer, lots to talk about. Interestingly, I was reading an article over the weekend about the lack of diagnosis of ADHD, ASD in women and girls, due to social conditioning which can make us adapt/hide our symptoms and also because the classic diagnostic tests are based on male data. My darling, intelligent, charming son is a square peg too and is finding things tricky work wise at the moment ( he gets bored very easily), but has a great partner who takes him as he is and loves him for it. I don't know what I am trying to say really, but honestly, you sound a delight, please don't overthink people's response to suggestions to meet up, just give it a go. Somewhere there will be people who deserve a friend like you
What a lovely post HPQ and so very true. My grandson has ASD and is a delight despite having many zany qualities.
I wouldn’t worry, just be yourself and carry on as you are as long as you are happy with yourself_. I wouldn’t worry about being thought weird, my own son of 50 odd looks weird but. I don’t feel embarrassed or worried when he turns up to meet me in say John Lewis just because of his looks. Why not ask a few class mates to join you for coffee, you can but try.
That has given me such hope dear ladies .Monica and LadyH you sound exactly like my teenage GD. I hope she grows up like you both. Thank you
As tonight is Samhain it's good to be weird! I feel very reassured by your comments and I know I can breathe more easily in Gransnetty company from now on!
MrsKen Not sure turning out like me is something to hope for in your DGD.
My mother said that there were times she used to hope that if I had children I would have one like me so that I knew what it was like, but then she realised that she wouldn't wish me, even on myself. But she needn't have worried, my lovely daughter was not the easiest child to bring up (that is an understatement) but not remotely like me!
Monica she is beautiful, very intelligent, says she is non binary, Has ADH, cannot concentrate, etc etc. Just got 10 GCS E and is finding life a little difficult. If she ‘finds herself’ as you have, what more could we want ?
I realised very young that I was 'odd' and when I realised I could not fit in, even when I tried. I decided that I knew who I was and was happy with myself, and if being the odd one out was the price I had to pay for being comfortable in my oddness, it was a price I was willing to pay
This could have been written by me and about me. A teacher once told my mother "she is going to find life awfully hard when she goes out into the world." Strangely enough I never found life "hard" because I always set my sights on a goal and went for it, blocking out anything and anyone that could deter me.
Your description about having interesting conversations with contemporaries (but never being able to convert them into lasting friendships) rings true of my experience at uni. There were several fellow students whom I felt I got on with in groups and tutorials. However when I suggested they visit me or come for a meal etc it never worked out. Later I realised that because I went to uni with the declared aim of getting a 1st that I probably scared the life out of them! Later as a postgraduate I was then in competition for various studenships and awards and my colleagues must have seen me as utterly ruthless and single minded.
I now recognise that I have some clear autistic traits - the tendency to fix myself upon a task/goal and detest being interrupted or diverted - impatience with meaningless social rituals and small talk - hatred of change.
I always put my difficulties in making friends down to a peripatetic childhood as an army brat (10 schools and always moving on), but I have been fortunate in that over my life a small number of more sociable and gregarious people have befriended me - and all those friendships have lasted. However all of these individuals have themselves been people with strong and distinctive personalitie and several had their own problems.
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