Live webchat with Phyllida Law - Wednesday 13 March 1-2pm

I've had a lovely time. And lots of cake. Wonderful questions, very impressive! Thank you.

Phyllida

crostini

I have really enjoyed your work and I admire your daughters. Do you come from a line of impressive women?

Yes. Well, my mum was a delight, my grandmother was a minute version of Ian Paisley, and terrifying. We banned her as a subject of conversation because she was so fascinating. She said she had a degree in electricity and turned it off every night at 9.30.

Grannygee

Hello Phyllida, Dementia seems to crop up all over the place nowadays and I'm glad (not that dementia is around of course) because my dad has developed it and once one is affected by something one suddenly develops a huge interest! That's life. Anyway, I have a big worry with my dad and that is my mum! she too is frail at 83 and gets confused herself, but I think she can be quite hard on my dad and blames him for any domestic issue that goes wrong. I do love mum and she has many fine qualities but we all think she has always taken my dad for granted. He drives still (passed his test again this year) and has been her taxi all their married life. I just wish she could find some tenderness again towards dad whose short term memory has gone, hence she gets so very frustrated with him. It must be so waring to live with it and although we are only 15 minutes away we are not actually living with dad so who are we to judge mum really. I wish that I could persuade her to lighten up a bit becasue these are their last few years together now. It'll be their diamond wedding in June (for which I'm planning a surprise party) and that's no mean feat these days! I wanted to ask you, should I address dad about his dementia i.e.talk to him about how he feels about it as he doesn't say anything but I wonder, Phyllida, did you talk to your mum about it before she became too ill and what advice from your experience could you impart? Any would be gratefully received. Thank you. By the way my cousin in Scotland met Emma walking her dog whilst up in the highlands and they exchanged a few words

You don't want to be told you've got something, do you? I suppose you could ask him if he's worried about anything and would he like to see the doctor, but otherwise he could be very hurt and worried. He probably is now. I think we all need reassurance and encouragement and, Heaven help us, just sheer kindness. It's terribly difficult.
I didn't really talk to my mother about it. I didn't want to frighten her. I just thought up treats. I think you should be given a medal. Two is too many.

topshot

Where does the title of your book come from? Is it something your mother said to you?

The title is a question in an intermediate exam to check if you have Alzheimers. They suggest also that you count backwards in 7s from 100. I get to 93 and panic. They also ask you 'How heavy is a standard hammer?' I think I might punch the doctor. You see, I weighed my hammer. It's 1lb8oz. Makes you cross, doesn't it?

milliesmum

I haven't read your first book but i have just ordered it - but in the meantime can I ask about your thoughts on multi generational living? Something oft discussed in our house - so I would love to hear about your experiences.

I think everything should be multi generational. It should be started at school and continued - I've got dementia now, I can't think of the word I want.

iMac

Hi Phyllida - Did you have a good Mother's Day? What did you do?

I got a lot of flowers and I ate too much. I may even have drunk too much, I don't remember.

Enviousamerican

I have a neighbor I say hi to in passing.I have found out she works from home and lives with her mother who is now bedridden with the disease. It's just the two of them but she has a nursing aid that helps her.Is there something that comes to your mind you wouldnt of minded a stranger offering to do?Thanks.

I think the thing to do is to live in a village in Scotland, in a community where people do offer, with extraordinary generosity. If only for cups of tea and a good night's sleep. A good night's sleep is the best gift you could offer anybody.
And then I'm a daughter - society thinks that's what daughters are for. Well, that's what they think in Scotland anyway.

firenze

Was it difficult to become a writer in later life? Did you find excuses not to sit down and put the words down on paper?

I think Michael Frayn said "There are no royalties big enough to make up for the anguish of settling down to write." But I have a deadline, my daughters' birthdays.

eddiesgran

Has writing about your family helped you through difficult times? And (if I am allowed a second question - please! - are your family happy to be written about?

I'm not sure anybody's happy to be written about. I think I may be sued. On the other hand they might be offended if they didn't appear. I can't win, can I?

Iwasframed

Do you like being a grandmother? Has it been important aspect of your life?

I love being a grandmother. I think I'm rather a pathetic one, a dreadful example. I swear like a trooper. I teach them a lot of bad habits, but I make a good flapjack.

POGS

How nice to be able to engage with you Phyllida.

I was charmed by the 'emotional ties' objects you chose for the Daily Mail mag. recently. I especially loved your teapot, very special.

You also said you have several pairs of two- toned shoes 'Perhaps I'm trying to be Katherine Hepburn'. My question would be is there a particular actress/actresses you admire. Also I am surprised so many talented and gifted actresses say there are too few roles for older women these days, do you agree with them?. I was particularly thrilled to see the wonderful Liz Smith returning to the television soon, at the young age of 90.

By the way my favourite was the dear Thora Hurd, especially in 'The Cracker' and 'Wide eyed and legless'.

Enjoy your day at GNHQ.

I could be here all day answering that question. It's as difficult as Desert Island Discs. It changes every day. I loved Liz Smith, I worked with her. My two tone shoes are an homage to Kate Hepburn.
There are too few roles for women. I think it's probably worse when you're middle aged. Any role should be taken by Judi Dench.

congereel

What was it like being in the household that produced The Magic Roundabout? were people always making jokes about you all being stoned?

Yes, they were. They couldn't have been more wrong.

They used to think Dylan was an addict. My husband, on the other hand, wouldn't take an aspirin.

As to drugs, you'll have to buy my next book.

Alphafemale

Do you like working with your daughters? (I loved you in 'Emma' with Sophie as Miss Bates - you were both frightful, in the best possible way.)

Very much. No red tape. You know when not to talk, you know they don't take sugar in their tea. If you're working with a strange actor you have to do a lot of research.
It was lovely doing it with Sophie because she had to do all the talking and I just wandered around looking dotty. Easy!
Starting to look like each other is difficult.

eurggh

Did your mother know what was happening to her? I sometimes think dementia would be OK if there was no lucidity - but I think there often is.

Sometimes, yes. They get windows when they know, and that is very touching. If you went shopping you'd ask Ma if she needed anything and she'd say 'A new brain.' We had to be careful in the evening. Children get younger, old people get older and depression sets in. That's where the gin comes in handy.

downwithcupcakes

You have two daughters who are in the same profession but one is more prominent than the other. Is that difficult and how do you manage it? (I am in a similar situation and it's fine because we're not the same people at home, but sometimes I do feel sorry for the one who has had the less stellar career).

The thing about my daughters is that they don't look at all like each other. One is a theatre bird, one is in film. But you're right, it's still dodgy.

annemac101

My mother in law had dementia and often drove me crazy,but when we think back it started years before we thought it did and we put things down to her just being a bit weird. I'd like to ask if you think back did your mothers dementia start long before you realised it?

I do think back. I think it did. I think I've started. Names were impossible. Dr Esakowitz was known as Dr Sack of Bits. I think we all are terrified now because it is a huge subject. We'd never heard of dementia or Alzheimers when my mother 'slipped a bit'. Diagnosis is difficult. Don't look things up on the Internet and remember there's such a thing as being absent minded. If you go into a room and wonder what you're there for, go back to where you started and you'll get the clue.
Don't drink too many martinis, don't get overtired.

feliccity

There was a thread on Gransnet recently about growing old disgracefully. What are your tips?

Oh, gin. I've had my first martini. You have to be a bit careful not to break both legs when your family are occupied in other spheres.